Is this Real Event OCD from My Past Shame?

I'm almost a month into NoFap and I have this constant circle of past guilt. I'm an almost 30 year old man and up until I was probably 25-26, I honestly can't remember, I had hebephile fantasies.

I never looked up anything illegal but I found pictures on google images of people aged 12-17 nude and there were times where I would masturbate to them. I'm sorry for offending anyone by saying this. I just always included it in the weird kinks that I was into because I've watched all kinds of porn. It started with me watching sex scenes from movies at a young age all the way to me watching lesbian sex, gay sex, tranny porn, pregnant, incest, etc.

As you can tell I've been all over the place and I can't stop the cycle of guilt/shame. It's a mixture of realizing what I did was wrong and worried that someday people are going to find out because most people in my life hold me in a higher standard when they really shouldn't.

I'm so in love with a woman who's twenty years older and I find grown women attractive, especially mature women and I wish I could understand why I did this heinous thing because it's affecting me now and there are so many days that I wish I was dead. I truly wish I could be judged for my actions, but I'm too much of a coward to say anything to anyone. I'm terrified to even look at younger people because I'll automatically think I'm attracted to them. I'm sorry for whoever I offend, I just need to confess this because it's killing me inside.

It's like I'll convince myself that you should just live with uncertainty and some days I'm better than others. Im terrified to imagine what would happen if everybody found out about my deviant past. I know I'm a coward, I just need somewhere to vent and express myself.