Moral / Ethical Conundrums -- Intrusive Thoughts

I was homeschooled in a Christian family for the most part up until 8th grade. My mother would restrict my social zone to pretty much the edicts of those guidelines. When I was finally wanting to experience more of the world through High-School, she was going to prevent it. I had to take serious action if I wanted those moments in my life, of meeting people that were not sanctioned for me. So I laid on the street one night -- determined to either die or get some kind of government arm in the way to release her control. You can say all you want about that within the immediate context, what your personal beliefs are about the right to die, parental responsibility, whether I really needed that interaction in a public High-School or I just wanted it or whether I was just ungrateful and needed to be ######6 smacked around. Whatever.

It's because I made that decision that ultimately changed how my life was going to be. All the experiences I value and treasure were because I made that decision.

I experienced horror, isolation, hallucinations -- just having everything you love ripped out of you -- and *that* is what led to my serious contemplation of whether or not I made the most harm-reductive-preventive course going back to where I laid on the street.

Should who I am not be here? Do I have any right to exist as I am? Did I have any right to make the decision to hurt my mother, family and myself? Would it have been different if I stayed homeschooled and not questioned or acted against the control of my parents?

I can theorize that if I had just accepted not going to a public high-school and being denied of everything I that has made me now -- it might've been overall more comfortable and less harmful for my family in the immediate time. But is there any way to know what your entire life / bloodfootprint would be based on either decision?

It is a horrible intrusive thought that keeps coming up -- begging me to think about how I "should not be here as I am now" relentlessly.

I say I cannot know the least harmful path ultimately of the course of my entire life. Even if I could go back and change the decision -- it wouldn't be based on the same person who made the decision in the first place. Even if I did make the wrong decision and I shouldn't exist as I am now -- the experiences deleted that made me -- it would be illogical to torment yourself over it since it only hurts me and fixes / makes no one feel better. An even more malevolent thought says I deserve to suffer and brood and obsess about this. I even have told my mother and sister -- who I think were affected most -- that I wouldn't have laid in that street. It's stuff like that, that makes me embarrassed and confused.

I think consciousness should never have existed, and that any attempt to do the moral / ethical math, calculations and extrapolations necessary to meet the best quality outcome (considering the context that we're already here) are wrought with pain, bitterness and guilt.

It feels like nothing will be a satisfying answer and to anyone who wants to be efficient and caring and reasonable will be asked to hurt themselves and give up what they love personally.

All I ask now is to live in peace, with no hate, no fear, no obsession; just empty bliss.