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Coping with HOCD in a relationship

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Coping with HOCD in a relationship

Postby WorriedG287 » Wed May 17, 2017 6:18 pm

I currently live with my bf and can't seem to shake this constant need to question my sexuality. I try my hardest to not let it affect the relationship but it's extremely hard when I'm constantly looking at him and feeling frustrated that I don't feel sexual attraction.

To top it off, when he initiates being physical I just don't want it most of the time. I feel like I should if I were truly not a lesbian. Then my mind goes into analyze mode and I imagine being with a woman, which of course feels more intense and then I get really down about it all. I just hate that I use him constantly to test and can't seem to ever feel like being intimate.

I just really would like any advice on ways to cope when living with a partner and having hocd. Anyone?
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Re: Coping with HOCD in a relationship

Postby purplestripes18 » Fri May 19, 2017 1:49 pm

I had a boyfriend when I first began to struggle with hocd, so I know somewhat how you feel! We never lived together because Im still in high school but it definitely was still hard. For me I would definitely overanalyze if I really liked him, if I was attracted to him, etc. About not wanting to get physical, that is very normal. You're worried about everything involving him and sex and sexuality right now, so you probably are just not wanting to trigger those thoughts even more. But then of course they still get triggered when you avoid it! Ocd is so annoying isn't it? Another thing is a lot of people experience decreased sex drive when experiencing anxiety, so that could be a part of it as well.

I also experienced that whole looking at your boyfriend to see if you feel an attraction thing. It's total ocd BS though! Like normally every time you look at your bf (before ocd of course)did you always feel an intense physical attraction and think "wow i'm so attracted to him!!" Probably not. Maybe I'm wrong but it's not like every second you look at your significant other, you're swooning in attraction. Maybe you get times where you feel that intense attraction, but it's not every. single. time. you look at them. But that's what ocd makes us feel like we should feel!! And in addition to that, it's hard to feel an attraction when you're trying to force it. When you're actively looking at your bf waiting to feel something and overanalyzing all of that, it's hard to feel like you're super attracted because attraction isn't like that. It just happens. It's natural. I'm sure you're very attracted to your boyfriend but when trying to analyze it with ocd, it is very easy to feel like it's not there. Ocd makes us do irrational things and have expectations for how things are supposed to feel in an effort to 100% prove our sexuality. When the truth is, our feelings will never be exactly lining up how ocd wants them to and there's always room for ocd to make you feel like you are wrong. The overanalysis and obsessing of ocd is what kills the attraction!

I remember when I was still dating my ex boyfriend I would have so much fun with him when we hung out and I loved it, then he would leave and I'd sit there in my thoughts and convince myself I was gay and lying to him and I didn't love him. It made me sick and I felt so extremely guilty. I know now what it was obviously, but looking back I know how much pain I was feeling. I would even practice breaking up with him and saying how sorry I was and even saying things like "it's not you it's me" and I was crying like crazy. It was just a mess. He unfortunately ended up cheating on me, and so I broke up with him a while after that because it just was not working anymore. But even him cheating on me made me overthink. I was thinking "am I upset enough" or wondering if I was crying enough. Who even thinks of that?! Like I was definitely very upset but my ocd just made me feel like I wasn't upset ENOUGH. So messed up.

Are you seeing an ocd therapist? That's my first piece of advice. They will help you to even further make sense of what's going on with your ocd. Secondly, and I know this will probably scary for you, you may eventually want to tell him what's going on. I know would never even think about telling my ex what was happening, because we weren't super serious and we only overall dated for four months. But if you guys are serious and have been dating for a longer period of time, and you speak with a therapist about how to deal with it, I think it would really help. That way he would be able to understand the pain you're going through. I know how hard it is to feel like you're going through this alone. So definitely see a therapist, and consider maybe down the road discussing with your boyfriend. Obviously you don't have to do it until you're comfortable, and it's probably better at this point to just wait till you see a therapist because they can discuss with you how to bring it up or explain it so he can fully understand. I really hope this helped, I totally understand your situation and how you feel and just know that it can get so much better!!
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Re: Coping with HOCD in a relationship

Postby JoeMcd » Fri May 19, 2017 4:15 pm

Can't agree more with the above comment on this. It's absolutely correct.

I suffer with HOCD but am in the stage of beginning to control it and manage it.

I also have a girlfriend of 4 years and I used to spend hours and hours and hours analysing whether I found her attractive or not, and when ever I was specifically looking for an attractive on demand it was never there. Since being able to control my OCD a bit better my attraction to her has returned, slowly might I add, results don't happen overnight like in anything in life. The problem is with OCD the mind is always so busy being locked up in itself it doesn't give the freedom of mind to feel natural feelings and trying to force an emotion from yourself is almost impossible.

It's the hardest thing to do but the best thing to do is try your best to not be worried about it and after a while you will see attraction for men/your boyfriend return, you just have to be patient and be brace.

As the previous comment also said OCD makes you completely forget how people in normal relationships view each other. It isn't constant butterflies and googoo eyes, but when you've got OCD you are looking for these reactions to reassure yourself of what you want.


I hope your situation improves, best of luck to you!
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Re: Coping with HOCD in a relationship

Postby WorriedG287 » Mon May 22, 2017 5:08 pm

purplestripes18 wrote:You're worried about everything involving him and sex and sexuality right now, so you probably are just not wanting to trigger those thoughts even more. But then of course they still get triggered when you avoid it! Ocd is so annoying isn't it?


Yup. I pretty much avoid sex, which of course my mind goes back to stuff I once read in an effort to prove that I'm a lesbian. :roll:

purplestripes18 wrote: I would even practice breaking up with him and saying how sorry I was and even saying things like "it's not you it's me" and I was crying like crazy.


I can relate! My thoughts are constantly making me feel guilty and pretty much trying to push me to break up with him, even though I don't want to. It's pretty messed up.

I'm not seeing a therapist at the moment because I'm basically on a tourist visa for 6 months in the UK to be with my bf. Also, in the US I don't have insurance so it probably wouldn't be likely to happen there either. Last time I saw an ocd therapist he recommended going back on an SSRI. It did help for a while, but personally I don't feel that meds are really for me. I didn't like the side-effects and prefer treating things more holistically.

My bf actually knows everything and has been really supportive. Surprisingly he has/had a touch of something similar. Though he is much more logical than me and able to chalk up the "attractions" to having low self-esteem. He offers good insight, though when I'm feeling OCD it's harder to listen!

Thanks so much for your thoughtful response purplestripes18, really appreciate it. :)

-- Mon May 22, 2017 12:13 pm --

JoeMcd wrote:As the previous comment also said OCD makes you completely forget how people in normal relationships view each other. It isn't constant butterflies and googoo eyes, but when you've got OCD you are looking for these reactions to reassure yourself of what you want.


Yeah especially if you live together and see all of each other's 'wonderful' habits lol. It's hard not try and compare as well when seeing other couples.

Today is a pretty good day. Still having some thoughts, but trying to push them aside and not get caught on anything.

Thanks
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