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I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

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I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby Joydo313 » Sat Apr 22, 2017 10:28 pm

Hey guys, A teenage male here that's been struggling with this HOCD but now i dont know anymore, When HOCD first started out i was doing all the things an HOCD person was doing, First it was thought of "what if Im gay?" Which freaked me out, then it was the thoughts, checking and asking friends if you can "turn gay". I was doing everything a HOCD person was doing, I lost all great feelings for girls and it feels as if my heart and mind just switched.

Girls used to feel so perfect for me, A wife to love and care for, have a family. Before this it was all about girls, i was so girl crazy man. Whenever i went places (like going out), the main reason i was excited was because i wanted to see cute girls. I remember when i was going for a trip to Hawaii , my first thought was " Hey, maybe there's gonna be some cute chicks there". Whenever im with my friends at school and one of the most prettiest and most gorgeous looking girls glance at me, it gives me the most exciting feeling and loving feeling. The first thing i do when i get home is fantasize about girls and my crush. Whenever i talked about my crush to my friend, i felt joy and happiness. Everything was about girls, they motivated me and kept me going. I was always more romantically attracted to them then i was sexually. It used to feel euphoric and awesome when fantasizing about girls. It used to feel so great. Never felt anything for guys at all, only good friendship and thats all. whenever i saw a good looking dude in the past i just thought "He must be lucky to get all the girls" or "damn i wished i looked like him". That was all. I dont wanna date or do anything with them besides be good mates. It feels like im lying about this.

Now i'm emotionally numb, i cant feel emotions anymore but whenevr i think of my self kissing a girl, it made me have a happy feeling and broke a smile on my face. i switch it to a dude i just cringe and heart goes all funny. Now i little to no anxiety and the fear to being gay is somewhat gone but i still dont wanna be gay. It takes so much effort to think of girls when in the past it came naturally and felt so euphoric and happy. I really dont wanna do anything with guys, But whenever i see a muscly dude or guy my age who looks "good looking" i get this heart feeling, i dont know what it is, it gets stronger but it destroys me. it bothers me so much and i dont want it. some thoughts do come in but they just bother me and make me cringe. But this heart feeling is weird and uncomfortable it kills me and i spend hours feeling miserable and empty, i always hit my my chest when these feelings come and hit my forehead when these horrible thoughts come in, it doesnt feel natural, it feels as if i actually want guys when i know i don't, when i know having a ######6 husband isnt ######6 right at all, i dont feel any happy emotions anymore, this weird heart feeings destroys me and sometimes causes me to cough. I still mentally check between girls and guys and i still check forums (which iv'e been constantly doing). I feel as if HOCD went from my brain into heart, and it feels horrible. I cant speak anymore, idk if this heart feeling is fear becuase its so horrible and strong sometimes. My mind still tells me "oh you wanna do this with a dude or that with a dude " And usually id reply confidently no. but know i feel as if my heart has given in. I feel horrible, miserable and epmty. I dont want anything with dudes, it feels like actual denial. My heart doesnt feel good, i dont feel good. All i want is my feelings for girls back, my fantasies and everything. There are times where i feel normal for like 2 minutes but then i go back to the same stage again. I just feel like i lose my grip with girls everyday. The thought of kissing a girl still makes me smile but it just doesnt feel the same anymore. Hell i get these weird heart feelings for no reason sometimes. I just want guys to feel like friends again and girls to feel like they used to before this #######4. I REALLY DONT WANNA DO $#%^ WITH DUDES HONESTLY! I WANT GIRLS TO FEEL RIGHT AGAIN, I DONT CARE IF IM BI OR ANYTHING I JUST WANT FEELINGS FOR GIRLS AGAIN! i feel so ######6 gay when i know deep down im not but at the same time it feels as if i am. I dont wanna have a life with a ######6 dude, I dont want kisses or hugs or anything, i just want them to feel like mates. I want girls to feel fulfilling and right again. Sorry guys, i know all the above is all over the place but i just dont know anymore. Please help.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby Joydo313 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 12:17 am

Okay now im lost, i cant fantasize about girls anymore, everytime i try to think of a girl my mind changes it to a guy, im still checking and checking but now ive feel like iv'e completely switch. Girls don't give me hard ons like they used to, even with a guy my penis doesnt go erect but it has a feeling of constant tingling and it feels as if gonna be erect. I dont get repulsed by thoughts anymore and they still don't make me happy. It feels like im gay rn and im not afraid but not happy. it feels like ive lost, it feels as if my whole feelings to girls were a lie and weren't there, my mind only picks out the times where ive been with dudes and it ignores the wonderful times with girls. I just dont know. i try my best to fantasize about girls and my mind switches it to a guy and i weird ting ly feeling in my heart comes along and my head becomes all tingly but im not happy when thinking of it, im just thinking would i rather a dude or girl now. Would i like to see a dude sleeping besides me everytime i wake up or see a wonderful girl sleeping right before my eyes. The answer would always be girls but now i dont know, i still feel as if girls are right but then guys come along in my mind and my heart just goes all weird. I give up guys.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby Cupcakes1568 » Tue Apr 25, 2017 12:52 am

Yeah you're not alone. Ive had this hocd stuff for a while now and I can understand everything you're describing. But remember, you can't be something if you don't enjoy it. You don't enjoy the thought of being gay, it makes you sad and confused. Part of all this hocd stuff is making us lose attraction to the opposite sex or feel like we can never like them again. I would stop trying to check if you're attracted to girls. It's just going to make you doubt yourself more as it is a compulsion and you're trying to seek reassurance while at it. I've found that not answering any questions that pop into my head concerning hocd is also helpful.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby mc1 » Wed Apr 26, 2017 2:40 am

I've had this for 11 years and I'm 30. I was girl crazy most of my life and when HOCD hit me at 19 my world spun upside down. My libido was gone and I spent years checking out guys to see if I was attracted to them. I had "false attractions" and thought it was only a matter of time before I started fantasizing and dating men. Of course this never happened.

I recently spiked from a Facebook post made by a gay former classmate of mine that said black guys that exclusively date white women are almost always gay/bi etc. which caused me to freak out as I'm black and I have been with white women. I thought me liking girls was a cover up for my true feelings and I ruminated on that post for hours. I then unfollowed his posts to avoid spiking.

You're the same guy you were 2, 3, 6 years ago. Well in the sense of your orientation. Still, no reassurance will calm your nerves. It's best to seek help from a therapist that specializes in OCD.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby Joydo313 » Wed Apr 26, 2017 5:35 am

What about these horrid heart feelings when I see a dude or hear one, they're so intense they hurt afterwards and they persist on throughout the day, they don't make me happy at all. It makes me feel sick man. I don't see anyone else with HOCD with actual physical symptoms like this. Never had this feeling before and it leaves me breathing heavy. Never had these before for a guy, idek if I've ever gotten them with a girl but all I know is that I get positive heart feelings for girls that make me smile and happier while this intense feeling for dudes leaves depressed and confused for most of the day and I spend hours thinking of it. I just want them gone.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby mc1 » Wed Apr 26, 2017 6:33 am

Joydo313 wrote:What about these horrid heart feelings when I see a dude or hear one, they're so intense they hurt afterwards and they persist on throughout the day, they don't make me happy at all. It makes me feel sick man. I don't see anyone else with HOCD with actual physical symptoms like this. Never had this feeling before and it leaves me breathing heavy. Never had these before for a guy, idek if I've ever gotten them with a girl but all I know is that I get positive heart feelings for girls that make me smile and happier while this intense feeling for dudes leaves depressed and confused for most of the day and I spend hours thinking of it. I just want them gone.


The sharp pain in your chest you feel when you see a nice looking guy? That confused thoughts that scurry about in your ahead of "am I or no,have I always been, is it so or no?" Yes I've had those feelings. OCD is the doubting disease. Yes it takes a physical toll on you.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby Joydo313 » Wed Apr 26, 2017 7:27 am

Although, i do get those sharp pains, this feels different...it feels as if the bottom of my heart is gonna explode or something is bursting out of it, not pain, not love, just that feeling and it makes hyperventilate a bit. Since i have a bit of a cold, it makes me cough constantly. Plus it stops me when i walk, i grip my chest when it comes in as well. I constantly hit my heart side because if how much i hate them and when those unpleasant thoughts come in, it become as a living hell. I can't stand going to school anymore, I feel weird around my friends when i shouldn't be. I feel somewhat normal around girls for some reason. I have minimal feelings around them now. I can't watch Youtube, Movies or books. No anxiety, some worry but yea thats all. I just want to sit in my room all day and stare at the ceiling, my appetites gone, i feel weird around friends and have horrible thoughts of doing $#%^ to my friends and it fels as if its normal in mind and i sit there being depressed. My attraction to girls is gone and im starting too look at guys as if its a natural instinct. Im starting to feel as if a guys body is better than a girls. Am i homoflexible ( having minimal attraction to the opposite sex than oppose the the same sex)?, has my life been a complete lie? Iv'e gotten hard ons with girls in the past but what if its been because of porn? I dont get much fear of being gay like i used too but yea. Could have all this checking and reassurance could have pushed me away from the truth? I feel as if gay applies to me now despite having a wonderful hetero (or i hope) life before this. Im too scared to go further to find the truth. My mind only picks the times iv'e thought of something gay or did something gay, i can't remember any time of being straight anymore. I just wanna die or live alone for the rest of my life. Can there be a point hocd where it feels like reassurance doesnt reassure anymore? I feel like its too late for a therapist or CBT. The damage has already been done. My life is ruined already.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby mc1 » Thu Apr 27, 2017 12:20 am

Joydo313 wrote:Although, i do get those sharp pains, this feels different...it feels as if the bottom of my heart is gonna explode or something is bursting out of it, not pain, not love, just that feeling and it makes hyperventilate a bit. Since i have a bit of a cold, it makes me cough constantly. Plus it stops me when i walk, i grip my chest when it comes in as well. I constantly hit my heart side because if how much i hate them and when those unpleasant thoughts come in, it become as a living hell. I can't stand going to school anymore, I feel weird around my friends when i shouldn't be. I feel somewhat normal around girls for some reason. I have minimal feelings around them now. I can't watch Youtube, Movies or books. No anxiety, some worry but yea thats all. I just want to sit in my room all day and stare at the ceiling, my appetites gone, i feel weird around friends and have horrible thoughts of doing $#%^ to my friends and it fels as if its normal in mind and i sit there being depressed. My attraction to girls is gone and im starting too look at guys as if its a natural instinct. Im starting to feel as if a guys body is better than a girls. Am i homoflexible ( having minimal attraction to the opposite sex than oppose the the same sex)?, has my life been a complete lie? Iv'e gotten hard ons with girls in the past but what if its been because of porn? I dont get much fear of being gay like i used too but yea. Could have all this checking and reassurance could have pushed me away from the truth? I feel as if gay applies to me now despite having a wonderful hetero (or i hope) life before this. Im too scared to go further to find the truth. My mind only picks the times iv'e thought of something gay or did something gay, i can't remember any time of being straight anymore. I just wanna die or live alone for the rest of my life. Can there be a point hocd where it feels like reassurance doesnt reassure anymore? I feel like its too late for a therapist or CBT. The damage has already been done. My life is ruined already.


Re read my last comment. I've also experienced "stomach drops", anxiety and uncertainty when looking at men. It's an uncomfortable feeling that makes me ask questions about if I'm attracted to a guy. Nevermind the fact that I've liked women since I was 5 or 6, or I knew that I did.

You should seek therapy. However, just know that you're not alone as other people suffer from HOCD worldwide. We know this due to the scientific evidence showing HOCD to be a real thing. if you were in denial, you would've known you were gay years ago. The fact that you're here and not on a coming out or gay support site leads me to think that you know you're not gay. However, OCD is the doubting disease and you cannot 100% confirm it.
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Re: I don't know if it's HOCD anymore

Postby Joydo313 » Thu Apr 27, 2017 8:26 am

Thank you, I'll be seeing a psychiatrist (is it more helpful seeing a therapist?) soon and hopefully i can sort out this problem, it's been hard and I hope everyone else that's suffering this can get better too. I'm also suffering from emotional numbness and symptoms of depression, could this make HOCD as bad as it is now? These thoughts are becoming more bothering than scary, I definitely never wanna act on them but my mind tells me that I want them, when I know that's not what I want. So yea, this forum has some really helpful people here but at the same time it gives HOCD more power to work with. So thank you all.
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