Hey guys, A teenage male here that's been struggling with this HOCD but now i dont know anymore, When HOCD first started out i was doing all the things an HOCD person was doing, First it was thought of "what if Im gay?" Which freaked me out, then it was the thoughts, checking and asking friends if you can "turn gay". I was doing everything a HOCD person was doing, I lost all great feelings for girls and it feels as if my heart and mind just switched.
Girls used to feel so perfect for me, A wife to love and care for, have a family. Before this it was all about girls, i was so girl crazy man. Whenever i went places (like going out), the main reason i was excited was because i wanted to see cute girls. I remember when i was going for a trip to Hawaii , my first thought was " Hey, maybe there's gonna be some cute chicks there". Whenever im with my friends at school and one of the most prettiest and most gorgeous looking girls glance at me, it gives me the most exciting feeling and loving feeling. The first thing i do when i get home is fantasize about girls and my crush. Whenever i talked about my crush to my friend, i felt joy and happiness. Everything was about girls, they motivated me and kept me going. I was always more romantically attracted to them then i was sexually. It used to feel euphoric and awesome when fantasizing about girls. It used to feel so great. Never felt anything for guys at all, only good friendship and thats all. whenever i saw a good looking dude in the past i just thought "He must be lucky to get all the girls" or "damn i wished i looked like him". That was all. I dont wanna date or do anything with them besides be good mates. It feels like im lying about this.
Now i'm emotionally numb, i cant feel emotions anymore but whenevr i think of my self kissing a girl, it made me have a happy feeling and broke a smile on my face. i switch it to a dude i just cringe and heart goes all funny. Now i little to no anxiety and the fear to being gay is somewhat gone but i still dont wanna be gay. It takes so much effort to think of girls when in the past it came naturally and felt so euphoric and happy. I really dont wanna do anything with guys, But whenever i see a muscly dude or guy my age who looks "good looking" i get this heart feeling, i dont know what it is, it gets stronger but it destroys me. it bothers me so much and i dont want it. some thoughts do come in but they just bother me and make me cringe. But this heart feeling is weird and uncomfortable it kills me and i spend hours feeling miserable and empty, i always hit my my chest when these feelings come and hit my forehead when these horrible thoughts come in, it doesnt feel natural, it feels as if i actually want guys when i know i don't, when i know having a ######6 husband isnt ######6 right at all, i dont feel any happy emotions anymore, this weird heart feeings destroys me and sometimes causes me to cough. I still mentally check between girls and guys and i still check forums (which iv'e been constantly doing). I feel as if HOCD went from my brain into heart, and it feels horrible. I cant speak anymore, idk if this heart feeling is fear becuase its so horrible and strong sometimes. My mind still tells me "oh you wanna do this with a dude or that with a dude " And usually id reply confidently no. but know i feel as if my heart has given in. I feel horrible, miserable and epmty. I dont want anything with dudes, it feels like actual denial. My heart doesnt feel good, i dont feel good. All i want is my feelings for girls back, my fantasies and everything. There are times where i feel normal for like 2 minutes but then i go back to the same stage again. I just feel like i lose my grip with girls everyday. The thought of kissing a girl still makes me smile but it just doesnt feel the same anymore. Hell i get these weird heart feelings for no reason sometimes. I just want guys to feel like friends again and girls to feel like they used to before this #######4. I REALLY DONT WANNA DO $#%^ WITH DUDES HONESTLY! I WANT GIRLS TO FEEL RIGHT AGAIN, I DONT CARE IF IM BI OR ANYTHING I JUST WANT FEELINGS FOR GIRLS AGAIN! i feel so ######6 gay when i know deep down im not but at the same time it feels as if i am. I dont wanna have a life with a ######6 dude, I dont want kisses or hugs or anything, i just want them to feel like mates. I want girls to feel fulfilling and right again. Sorry guys, i know all the above is all over the place but i just dont know anymore. Please help.