Suicidal Ideation or Suicidal Obsession?

I think about suicide A LOT.

I worry that I will lose my mind and jump off an overpass or steal a neighbor's gun and shoot myself or overdose on pills etc. etc. My mind keeps finding ways for me to kill myself and I keep freaking myself out thinking about all the ways I could do it.

But the thing is I DO NOT want to commit suicide. At least, I don't think I do. I like my life for the most part. It has its challenges and frustrations but whose doesn't? Why am I constantly freaking out about killing myself? I often find myself wondering, "Am I suicidal?"

These thoughts have been causing me extreme stress. I've missed work and I've been extremely uncomfortable when left alone or when I have to go out in public. The thoughts have been making me miserable for weeks which only adds to my anxiety and my fears of losing control of myself.

I'm guessing from what I've read online that it's OCD related. I've also had similar obsessions concerning different topics like my health and sexuality before that seem to follow the same structure as these suicide thoughts.

Does anyone have any experience with this sort of thing? Do I sound like a suicidal person?

Dear Terminalwillness,

Couldn't help but respond to your post in that I too have struggled with the anxiety and depression associated with the thoughts of which you described. Through my recovery I have learned and continue to learn a lot of about this symptom of anxiety. Reality is the fact that these thoughts make you anxious is pure evidence to support you are not suicidal. Their is plenty of research to support that all humans get obscure, spontaneous thoughts of which you described. We however were born sensitive to certain stimuli thus an obscure thought regarding suicide pops up in our head and we follow up these thoughts with a lot of irrational question and statements about ourselves ultimately inserting question marks where God put periods. i.e. "freaking myself out.." "why am I constantly freaking myself out.."
In regards to suicide I have learned there are three categories:
1) Suicide gestures: Individuals who self-injure with no lethality as a mere cry for help. For example an adolescent whose girlfriend broke up with him attempts to swallow 10 aspirin out of frustration.
2) Suicide completers: These individuals clearly see suicide as a rational solution and are at peace with their decision.
3) Majority of population: All humans get fleeting obscure thoughts of suicide. We live in an era in which we are bombarded with negative stimuli through multiple devices thus someone reads a story in regards to someone who committed suicide and as previously mentioned follows these thoughts up with a lot of irrational "what if's?" creating a lot of anxiety and frustration for themselves i.e "why am I having these thoughts? Am I suicidal?" ect..
I have successfully eliminated the anxiety, depression and frustration associated with these thoughts thus feel free to e-mail anytime for support. I have plenty of resources and information to share. God bless.

I just happened to come across your post and I feel as if I could've wrote it. I feel the exact same way. I obsess that I might be sucidal and I am afraid that I am, even though I don't have a bad life and I really don't think I want to. It's so scary! I know that they are most likely intrusive thoughts but I still get scared that maybe they aren't. I assume that if I get scared from these thoughts I am probably not actually suicidal. I just want to tell you that you aren't alone in having these kinda thoughts!

Thank you both for your replies.

I'm sorry to hear that you're experiencing similar symptoms, Jules513. I recommend you read "Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts" by Sally M. Winston and Martin N. Seif. It covers a lot of good strategies for dealing with disturbing thoughts and it definitely helped me. The key is to not engage with these scary thoughts and treat them for what they are: just thoughts. The more you respond to them and try to reason with them the more powerful they become. I know it's easier said than done but that's really what it comes down to.

Coach21, those are very excellent points and I appreciate you sharing them. I'll be taking OCD management courses in the coming weeks and I'm hoping to learn how to better handle these thoughts but I may have to ask you sometime about your resources and information. Thank you so much for offering your help!

As someone with suicidal obsession (and who has felt suicidal ideation in the past), they're two very different experiences. I was actually 5150'd (when you get involuntarily placed in a mental hospital for 72 hours because you may kill yourself) because I was so scared I would kill myself, so the OCD fear of committing suicide is definitely a valid one!

The main difference, I've found, is that if the thoughts are upsetting you and you're finding yourself obsessing over them and you're noticing your anxiety heighten, it's a suicidal obsession -- being *truly* suicidal doesn't make you feel like "Oh no I might want to kill myself!" When I was 5150'd, my parents were really concerned and I kept telling them that it wasn't actually that I was depressed, that I was just experiencing really bad OCD and I was really scared. I explained that in general, I DON'T feel depressed and I DO find joy in life, but the anxiety around the thought of committing suicide was incredibly severe. My mom, who has anxiety herself, was actually able to put it into words for both her and my father AND for me -- she said, "If you were suicidal, you wouldn't be so terrified that you couldn't stop thinking about it to the point you went to the ER and were 5150'd. That's anxiety that makes you afraid to kill yourself." And with those words, I was able to put it into context: each time I had a thought of self-harm or suicide (an intrusive thought; often thoughts that other people would dismiss by saying "Nah, I'm not suicidal"), I became so obsessed with the idea that I had that thought, so I might actually want to kill myself, and then I'd think about that for hours and get worse and worse.

Someone once told me "If you have to ask if it's OCD, it's OCD" and that's always been very helpful for me So in summary, I think the amount of fear you're experiencing and the amount you've been worrying about this indicates that it might be best to acknowledge the thoughts and not give them any value -- "Well, I did think about suicide, but that's just an intrusive thought trying to upset me and I'm completely in control of my body and my mind"

Thank you for your great response, strawberry-girl! I'm sorry to hear you've had trouble with this sort of thing before as well.

I find myself struggling with these thoughts and they make me depressed which then seems to give the thoughts legitimacy because it makes me feel like if I'm depressed maybe I actually am suicidal.

But the bottom line is that these thoughts are always scary and distressing to me and I've never thought of the idea of suicide as something that was a sensible or appealing option. Heck, I go out of my way to avoid being near things that I could hurt myself with. That doesn't sound like how a genuinely suicidal person would behave.

Still, it's very hard to learn to not listen to the OCD/intrusive thoughts and it's really making things tough for me these days.