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HOCD BACK AGAIN? Or is it for real this time?

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HOCD BACK AGAIN? Or is it for real this time?

Postby Gwendolyn » Mon Mar 20, 2017 6:31 pm

Hi guys. Some of you might have seen me make posts here.

I haven't posted in about a month or so and neither have I visited the forum. I started to feel better because the thoughts were going away. Just a bit of background. I am 19 years old female and I think I have HOCD. I don't even know if it's OCD anymore. I started questioning all of a sudden in December when I thought of how comfortable I am around girls, and I can't even talk to guys. The doubts and questions about my sexuality started and kept on escalating and I started overthinking and obsessing. I have a natural tendency to obsess with things. Like bands or artists stuff like that. I don't have previous OCD history which scares me. But I went a psychologist and she said it sounds very much like HOCD. But unfortunately I couldn't pay for the sessions because it was to expensive.

So in about mid feb I started to feel better. The thoughts about me being a lesbian, and all the questiongin started to die down. I didn't have anxiety even if occasionally a thought came up in my head. I actually was happy and relieved that I was getting better and that I could be free. But now it seems like it's starting again. It hadn't completely drowned down because I still had thoughts, here and there but they were very few and far in between. There are days and moments when I know I am completely straight and nothing can change that. But then maybe a day later I am back to questioning again. This time it began I believe when we watched a gay documentary in my sociology class. That started to remind me of this whole thing and from there it was one thought and it just escalated to yesterday, where I was again convinced that I am a lesbian. I really think I might be and that I am just denying and not able to accept this. I am probably in very very deep severe denial about this.

Funny part is before December my whole life revolved around boys. I loved boys. And even when this thing does down a little I was able to start finding guys attractive and cute again. Hell I am currently obsessing over this guy in a band that I know. I really really like him even thoughI might never get to meet him. Makes me sad and disspaointed but that's how it goes.

My problem is that my mind has been telling me I like this friend of mine. To be honest I don't like her in a sexual sense. No way. But yet my brain keeps telling me I like her. It's like I get this Feeling that I like her. I honestly don't even know. She's my first Korean friend. And I am obsessed with Korean culture. I love Korean culture. So I like taking to her about Korea and I try asking her about Korean language since I am learning it myself. So in that sense yes I guess I do like her. But as in liking her romantically I don't think so. I don't know if this makes me a lesbian or not. I really hope not. Because right now I actually think I might like her. And it feels disgusting. Like gross. I can't even imagine doing those things with her. And even if I do I either feel it's wrong or I completely go numb and feel nothing.

CAN ANYONE HELP? Does anyone feel this way too or is it really just me this time because I am the exception? Ffs I don't even know if it's OCD even thought the psychologist said it sounds like what she deals with everyday.
Gwendolyn
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Re: HOCD BACK AGAIN? Or is it for real this time?

Postby purplestripes18 » Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:56 pm

Hi gwendolyn, I'm sorry you're going through this :( I know how it feels, it's so confusing and you truly lose your sense of self. I know I have. But, as the therapist said, to me this all sounds like HOCD. Nothing you said indicates that you are gay to me. Every questioning thought you have, you get anxiety from it. You're questioning everything and constantly checking if you are attracted to girls. That's HOCD exactly. And the worst part is it all builds up and feels so real to the point where you feel like it is real. That's something myself and many other HOCD sufferers have thought: "what if it's not OCD??" You're not alone in thinking this. I lost a lot of attractions too and it really sucks. Occasionally i will think guys are cute and kind of feel like my old self again, and there's one boy I've liked for almost a year and I still feel fully attracted to him which is weird... like every other boy I've pretty much lost the excitement for but him I still like sooo much. But anyways, I know how you feel. It sucks especially because you are having these intrusive thoughts but then you lose attractions (because of the overthinking, it's a common side effect of this OCD) and you're thinking that you're totally turning gay!! And then your mind tricks you even further with false attractions, which is what they are. If you're truly attracted to someone you wouldn't be questioning it and having anxiety over it and feeling horrible, you'd be excited. You said it yourself you don't like your friend in a sexual sense. That's the truth. The thoughts that make you think maybe you're lying to yourself or maybe you do really want her are your OCD. I have this too and I promise if you try ERP or try to do some exposures for yourself at home you will feel better. Unfortunately we have to face our fears to conquer them. I know you can conquer OCD!
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Re: HOCD BACK AGAIN? Or is it for real this time?

Postby Gwendolyn » Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:21 pm

purplestripes18 wrote:Hi gwendolyn, I'm sorry you're going through this :( I know how it feels, it's so confusing and you truly lose your sense of self. I know I have. But, as the therapist said, to me this all sounds like HOCD. Nothing you said indicates that you are gay to me. Every questioning thought you have, you get anxiety from it. You're questioning everything and constantly checking if you are attracted to girls. That's HOCD exactly. And the worst part is it all builds up and feels so real to the point where you feel like it is real. That's something myself and many other HOCD sufferers have thought: "what if it's not OCD??" You're not alone in thinking this. I lost a lot of attractions too and it really sucks. Occasionally i will think guys are cute and kind of feel like my old self again, and there's one boy I've liked for almost a year and I still feel fully attracted to him which is weird... like every other boy I've pretty much lost the excitement for but him I still like sooo much. But anyways, I know how you feel. It sucks especially because you are having these intrusive thoughts but then you lose attractions (because of the overthinking, it's a common side effect of this OCD) and you're thinking that you're totally turning gay!! And then your mind tricks you even further with false attractions, which is what they are. If you're truly attracted to someone you wouldn't be questioning it and having anxiety over it and feeling horrible, you'd be excited. You said it yourself you don't like your friend in a sexual sense. That's the truth. The thoughts that make you think maybe you're lying to yourself or maybe you do really want her are your OCD. I have this too and I promise if you try ERP or try to do some exposures for yourself at home you will feel better. Unfortunately we have to face our fears to conquer them. I know you can conquer OCD!


A friend of mine scared me and said that homosexuals who discover late in life that they are gay/lesbian go through the same thing I am going through. That freaked me out and since then I am believing her words and thinking I might be gay. I honestly cant and dont want to give up liking guys. Its such a happy and euphoric feeling i dont want to let it go. I honestly dont get as much as anxiety as i get feelings of anger, frustration, guilt, and disgust at myself for thinking this way. I was honestly better for like a few weeks but now I am back at it again and it feels so real. Like it feels very real but yet I can distinguish these feelings and thoughts from the ones I get when I like a guy. It is COMPLETELY different. My friend even said I feel this way because its a part of me I cant accept. So she says its natural for me to get anxious. Now I am worried she is probably right.

I think you understand how tiring it is to think the same thing again and still stay confused. I want to be staright , hell without anxiety I believe I am straight. It is just when the anxiety creeps up to me and the thoughts start running again it starts to feel real. Even last time I had days when i convinced myself it was real. But then eventually the feelings, the thoughts, the false attractions died down. Still there but it didnt bother me and neither did I give it importance. I feel like I will end up turning or discovering I am not straight if this keeps going because it is so real. And i cant even talk to people who dont knoe about this because they scare me by saying I am questioning my sexuality. My whole life, 19 years I went without a single thought about this. Hell i never even thought something this bad and scary would happen to me.
Gwendolyn
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Re: HOCD BACK AGAIN? Or is it for real this time?

Postby purplestripes18 » Mon Mar 20, 2017 11:37 pm

But the thing is your friend probably has no idea what they are talking about. Sorry but do they really know about what OCD is and that obsessions around sexuality can occur?? To me they clearly don't. The thing is this whole illusion that a lot of people with HOCD (including myself, until I learned differently) believe is that these people who realize they're gay later in life just wake up one day and randomly are gay. That's not it at all. And that's what you and I seem to be experiencing.. this phenomenon that we liked boys and had a romantic and sexual attraction to them and then one day started obsessing that we may be gay. That's not discovering you're gay later in life - that's OCD. Now I understand how hearing a friend say something like that is definitely going to cause a lot of panic, it definitely would for me! But that's because we both have a mental disorder. OCD has two main parts, obsessions and compulsions. You clearly have an obsession about this topic, which is distressing to you and you are nonstop over analyzing and thinking about it. Your compulsions? These posts. The asking for reassurance, ruminating on the thoughts, checking your attractions... Tottally all OCD. I know it's confusing but all of these thoughts are really just your brain not working correctly. You even said you don't want to stop liking guys. I'm the same exact way. The thought of not ever being with a guy or losing interest in guys scares me so much. Not because I'm afraid of who I "truly am" but because I enjoy what I'm attracted to! That's the thing is you're disgusted scared response to these thoughts is because they are egodystonic to what you truly desire. That means it's NOT what you truly want and desire. If these thoughts dont feel like you, they don't feel natural to you, that's because they aren't. Your mind is tricking itself. This is really OCD for you. Otherwise you would not be posting on this OCD board overanalyzing whether it is or not.
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Re: HOCD BACK AGAIN? Or is it for real this time?

Postby Gwendolyn » Tue Mar 21, 2017 3:28 am

purplestripes18 wrote:But the thing is your friend probably has no idea what they are talking about. Sorry but do they really know about what OCD is and that obsessions around sexuality can occur?? To me they clearly don't. The thing is this whole illusion that a lot of people with HOCD (including myself, until I learned differently) believe is that these people who realize they're gay later in life just wake up one day and randomly are gay. That's not it at all. And that's what you and I seem to be experiencing.. this phenomenon that we liked boys and had a romantic and sexual attraction to them and then one day started obsessing that we may be gay. That's not discovering you're gay later in life - that's OCD. Now I understand how hearing a friend say something like that is definitely going to cause a lot of panic, it definitely would for me! But that's because we both have a mental disorder. OCD has two main parts, obsessions and compulsions. You clearly have an obsession about this topic, which is distressing to you and you are nonstop over analyzing and thinking about it. Your compulsions? These posts. The asking for reassurance, ruminating on the thoughts, checking your attractions... Tottally all OCD. I know it's confusing but all of these thoughts are really just your brain not working correctly. You even said you don't want to stop liking guys. I'm the same exact way. The thought of not ever being with a guy or losing interest in guys scares me so much. Not because I'm afraid of who I "truly am" but because I enjoy what I'm attracted to! That's the thing is you're disgusted scared response to these thoughts is because they are egodystonic to what you truly desire. That means it's NOT what you truly want and desire. If these thoughts dont feel like you, they don't feel natural to you, that's because they aren't. Your mind is tricking itself. This is really OCD for you. Otherwise you would not be posting on this OCD board overanalyzing whether it is or not.


I just came back from the doctor appointment. Well they put me on peroxitine hcl 20mg for my anxiety. So lets see the doctors put me on it and hopefully it works and the thoughts+ anxiety goes away. The doctor i saw was gay so he ended up telling me I can possibly be questioning my sexual orientation. Honestly i kind of expected it since is gay himself. But one thing he did tell me was that gay people know from a younger age somethig is different. But i told him I never felt that way about girls. Ever. I always have liked boys and I dont want to let go of liking boys. Hes like that could be a reason for my anxiety about this. But he did refer me to a CBT therapy service so hopefully it works. But I feel like CBT wont work for me because I probably am lesbian. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I get no enjoyment out of it. But honestly idk anymore who and what I am.

-- Mon Mar 20, 2017 7:31 pm --

purplestripes18 wrote:But the thing is your friend probably has no idea what they are talking about. Sorry but do they really know about what OCD is and that obsessions around sexuality can occur?? To me they clearly don't. The thing is this whole illusion that a lot of people with HOCD (including myself, until I learned differently) believe is that these people who realize they're gay later in life just wake up one day and randomly are gay. That's not it at all. And that's what you and I seem to be experiencing.. this phenomenon that we liked boys and had a romantic and sexual attraction to them and then one day started obsessing that we may be gay. That's not discovering you're gay later in life - that's OCD. Now I understand how hearing a friend say something like that is definitely going to cause a lot of panic, it definitely would for me! But that's because we both have a mental disorder. OCD has two main parts, obsessions and compulsions. You clearly have an obsession about this topic, which is distressing to you and you are nonstop over analyzing and thinking about it. Your compulsions? These posts. The asking for reassurance, ruminating on the thoughts, checking your attractions... Tottally all OCD. I know it's confusing but all of these thoughts are really just your brain not working correctly. You even said you don't want to stop liking guys. I'm the same exact way. The thought of not ever being with a guy or losing interest in guys scares me so much. Not because I'm afraid of who I "truly am" but because I enjoy what I'm attracted to! That's the thing is you're disgusted scared response to these thoughts is because they are egodystonic to what you truly desire. That means it's NOT what you truly want and desire. If these thoughts dont feel like you, they don't feel natural to you, that's because they aren't. Your mind is tricking itself. This is really OCD for you. Otherwise you would not be posting on this OCD board overanalyzing whether it is or not.


I just came back from the doctor appointment. Well they put me on peroxitine hcl 20mg for my anxiety. So lets see the doctors put me on it and hopefully it works and the thoughts+ anxiety goes away. The doctor i saw was gay so he ended up telling me I can possibly be questioning my sexual orientation. Honestly i kind of expected it since is gay himself. But one thing he did tell me was that gay people know from a younger age somethig is different. But i told him I never felt that way about girls. Ever. I always have liked boys and I dont want to let go of liking boys. Hes like that could be a reason for my anxiety about this. But he did refer me to a CBT therapy service so hopefully it works. But I feel like CBT wont work for me because I probably am lesbian. I hate it. I absolutely hate it. I get no enjoyment out of it. But honestly idk anymore who and what I am. Oh and he said I could have internalized homophobia but I in my mind I am like the literal definition is "the beleif held by lesbians and gay people that sterotypes about them are true". I am not a lesbian ffs. I dont identify with that definition. I am so done with everything right now
Gwendolyn
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