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Question for POCD sufferers

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Question for POCD sufferers

Postby ConfusedAndAfraidGuy » Wed Jan 11, 2017 4:38 pm

Since yesterday I feel bad about something that happened. Basically I didn't get aroused from normal p orn pictures and vids and I did get aroused from some cp like drawings, articles about pedos,.. And I just don't know.. I really don't want to be a pedo but I've seen real pedos say that too. I dont even want to masturbate to thoughts,pics about children. I really don't. I refuse.

Also my attraction to adults is so small atm. I notice guys that look good (Im gay) but I dont think 'omg I want to have sex with him' or is this normal?
Before this 'POCD' (I hope) I didnt really masturbate to guys my age but rather to old/young or taboo themed porn like incest..

Though I think I like guys my age romantically, like I wanna kiss and cuddle but I just dont know about sex.

I just dont want to be a pedo :'( though Im really scared I am.
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby ConfusedAndAfraidGuy » Wed Jan 11, 2017 6:47 pm

I forgot my question. Do other people with POCD experience unwanted arousal and have less attraction for adults? Idk if its groinal response because I dont get very aroused about normal porn etc. Just a bit :'(

Here at the supermarket were 2 young boys and I looked at them to see if I liked it but I wasnt interested I think and I wouldnt want to do things with them. Although I experienced a feel in my groin and Im also kinda focused on my groin when things like this happen. And right now I still have that feel in my groin.

Also I dont have many intrusive thoughts I think. More like I think of something sexual with a child to see my reaction and mostly I end up having a feel in my groin. There even was some precum when my friends were talking about pedo things (to laugh) and idk why I even had precum I feel so wrong. Am I really a pedo? Because years agao liked to text with guys my age and it gave me a good feeling. The idea of having a boyfriend was so nice. I was on SSRI's though which lowe sex drive etc. And this pedo thing began after I stopped with the SSRI's. Maybe now I discover my true sexuality? :'( I was mainly turned on by old young porn and liked the age gap etc.. But could it be an early stage of pedophillia?

I dont want to be a pedo. I dont want to experience arousal because of thoughts and things with children. I dont want to masturbate to children. I dont want to be ashamed the rest of my life and be a failure and a disgusting pedo..
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby ConfusedAndAfraidGuy » Wed Jan 11, 2017 8:43 pm

I was reading some topics in POCD and mostly I don't recognize myself :'( I'm really hopeless right now. I beg to not be a pedo.

-- Wed Jan 11, 2017 9:43 pm --

I was reading some topics in POCD and mostly I don't recognize myself :'( I'm really hopeless right now. I beg to not be a pedo.
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby ConfusedAndAfraidGuy » Thu Jan 12, 2017 10:21 am

Anyone?

Also I feel disgusted by myself and dirty because of all this. I feel the need to shower more and washy my hands more and don't really want to touch some of my things because I have the feeling I'm making them 'dirty'.

I am a mess and don't know what to do.
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby Bert the Turtle » Mon Jan 16, 2017 6:04 pm

Look, I'm pretty sure you're when you're not stressed out of your mind you're bright enough to know that what you need to do is very, very simple; but also very, very hard to face up to.

It would be nice if people as deep in as you are now, and as many of us on the forum have been before, had another way out. It would be great if it didn't almost always seem to come down to a choice between unbelievable terror that makes you better, and unbelievable terror that makes you worse. But it does, and that's exactly the choice you're at now.

> Your need to tell psychologist about your fears at your next appointment. If you can't do that, you need to write it down for them, email them, or bring someone else to tell them. No matter what it takes, they need to know now.

> You need to go to your psychiatrist and tell them that your medication has not prevented you from being wrecked. You need to discuss carefully with them whether your SSRI has stopped working, and whether they believe it would be a good idea to transition you to a new medication.

> You need to stop watching triggering porn and looking up triggering images, right now, forever, period. If you cannot force yourself to do that, then you need to install software on your computer that will lock you out of the worst of it, and give the key to someone else.

> Finally, if you think that any of this advice is in any way ambiguous or contains room for compromise, then you need to take a deep breath and stop pretending to yourself.

If you can't do that, then frankly I'll understand and empathize because I'll remember all the times I couldn't help myself either. But your OCD will not care about that. It will only keep getting worse from here -- because it always gets worse. You need to get the care you need, or find someone who can help get it for you.
Mere "anxiety," as Heidegger says, is at the source of everything.
-Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus

"You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady. "But it's turtles all the way down!"
-Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby ConfusedAndAfraidGuy » Mon Jan 16, 2017 8:06 pm

I've read many things about pedos and that most hate their attraction, can't help it etc.. And that sounds alot like me. It can't be pocd anymore because there were 2 moments where I got an erection and arousal feeling because of cp drawings. And I dont really have this when looking at normal porn. Also when I was a young teen I madturbated to adults and my peers and found out I was gay. Then after some bad years, controlled by ocd I started masturbating again I think and eventually I was masturbating to old/young porn, incest porn and barely legal porn. And I couldnt get off easily to normal porn like I could when I was younger. Then my medication was lowered because I told my psychiatrist about decreased sex drive (I thought this was causing me to not being able to get off to normal porn) and then this whole pedo thing began. It feels like I know Im a pedo but dont want it. Also the times I had sex I also wasnt very excited and didnt feel much but I thought this was because of the medication..
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby Bert the Turtle » Mon Jan 16, 2017 9:46 pm

Yes, I know all of that. My advice is the unchanged from the last post, and the unchanged from when we spoke several months ago -- back when I warned you that if you didn't do the following you were very likely to get worse.

> Tell your fears to your psychologist.

> Talk to your psychiatrist about a med change. You can ask about glutamate modulators if you want to avoid SSRI side-effects.

> Stop looking at triggering porn and images.
Mere "anxiety," as Heidegger says, is at the source of everything.
-Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus

"You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady. "But it's turtles all the way down!"
-Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby ConfusedAndAfraidGuy » Tue Jan 17, 2017 3:20 am

Why a med change though? And I'm afraid to tell this fears to my psychologist because we might find out im a real pedo and she will warn the authorities..
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Re: Question for POCD sufferers

Postby Bert the Turtle » Tue Jan 17, 2017 6:47 am

Alright, this has to be my last response. It's late here, and I apologize if I sound tired or frustrated.

If you read the post above the bullet point, you'll see that I'm only suggesting you bring it up with your psychiatrist and see what they think. It's also possible I've read the situation incorrectly; do you think your meds are currently working? Because on this end it sounds like you're absolutely miserable.

If your current meds aren't effective enough at their current dosage, and you can't increase them because of the side effects, then yes, it seems like a med change ought to at least be on the table for discussion. Unless your psychiatrist has reason to think otherwise, in which case you should trust them. Speaking of which, do they know how bad things currently are? Because they need to be in the loop to treat you properly.

But all that is secondary to the main point anyway: YOU NEED CBT. (Or ACT. Anything.)

I'm pretty sure you've been working on telling your psychologist since we last spoke several months ago. I need to be really straight with you about that: At what point does 'working on' becoming 'quietly refusing to do because it's terrifying'? Because it will always, always be terrifying, and that means that if you don't just force it you'll just stay where you are now.

CBT and ACT are both difficult therapies, and take months to show results. Every day that you delay sets that process back even further. Don't hurt yourself like that. Talk to your psychologist and get the help you need.
Mere "anxiety," as Heidegger says, is at the source of everything.
-Albert Camus, The Myth of Sisyphus

"You're very clever, young man, very clever," said the old lady. "But it's turtles all the way down!"
-Stephen Hawking, A Brief History of Time
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