Hocd, college and dream. *spike warning*

So...I just started college last week. Great, right? Get to experience college life. Have fun. Party all night. Make new friends. Stress about studies with your new friends. Procrastinate. Sounds fun, right? College. Well, no. If you read some of my posts, you know that everyday, every waking moment, in almost every dream, I am constantly battling with my doubts about my sexuality, hoping it's HOCD. It's on my mind 24/7. It haunts me every second of my life. So as a freshman, adjusting to this new college life..anxiety and constant fear about my sexuality changing is the last thing I need. I'm already freaking out about my classes, my studies, just college in general. I'm now seperated from my high school friends, whom I saw as family for four or so years. I'm now in an unfamiliar environment, with no friends. So, I'm already quite stressed out. Then to top all that, I am constantly worrying about me not being straight. So for the first two days, it was hell. I already saw five different tomboys. My attention kept going over to girls. I kept on looking at girls and checking myself. I was sooo , sooooooo scared. I couldn't sleep because I was scared. I felt like my fear was suffocating me. It felt so real! Everything! I felt like I wanted to be with girls. I felt like I was attracted to them (i'm a girl). I felt like I was "excited" (not sexually). Etc. Etc. So for two days I was just terrified, scared, anxious..I really can't put into words how I felt. I just dreaded the next day. Now, I calmed down a bit. But, I really don't know what to do. But..right now..what I'm worried about, this moment, is..my dream.


*spike warning*

If there are girls in my dream I get really anxious. I might not remember what happened in the dreams, but if the same sex is involved 95% of the time I would freak out. Fortunately for me though, my anxiety and fear doesn't last the entire day. Not even the whole morning. Just like 10 minutes before I take a deep breath and calm myself down. I have moments though. Like recently I started freaking out because I thought one of my dreams came true. I had a dream where I was friends with these two girls. One of them was a short asian girl. You know, those asian girls that wear cartoon shirts and plain jeans. They kind of all have the same atmosphere. You can tell they watch anime, you can tell they still watch cartoons. Yeah, well there are a lot of girls like that. I always wanted to be their friends. They seemed easy to get along and fun to hang out with. So yeah, I was friends with a girl like that in my dream. And as I stated before, my doubt on my sexuality enter my dreams..quite often. I don't remember much about that dream anymore, since I had that dream, like last week or so. The only thing I clearly remember is freaking out when I woke up. I'm not sure, if I felt any feelings for my friend. Or if I just assumed that I did right when I woke up. But, I just freaked out. Well, in two of my classes..I saw a girl like that. I thought she seemed very familiar, like I've seen her somewhere. At least she looked like someone I knew. But I couldn't exactly tell where. Then again, like I said I've seen many girls like her. But she just seemed oddly familiar. Then it hit me..my dream. I just flipped out. I mean, like I said I've seen many girls like her. I always wanted to be friends with them. But I guess my mind told me that my dream "predicted" this or whatnot. She just seemed very familiar.  My mind kept telling me, how I'm getting "excited" and how I'm turning..well not straight. How I had feelings for the girl in my dream (50/50 chance since I vaguely remember the dream). Only reason she seemed familiar is because I saw her in my dream (even though I don't remember the face in my dream). Yada Yada Yada.

All that..it's just my mind playing with me right? I mean, I remember just hanging out with the girl in my dream, just like any friends would. Did I feel like I had feelings for her? Idk. I don't remember..oh god..what I did. Oh gawd..

Please help, even a single sentence is fine. I can't take it anymore. I've been fighting this battle for over a year now. It ruined half my junio year, my whole senior year and now my freshmen year in college. I just want to be straight. I just want to go back to how I was, obsessing over guys, fantasizing over guys, drooling over guys, checking them out etc. Etc. Is that really too much to ask for?

So..I'm freaking out. I had a dream where..I had a girlfriend and I had no anxiety whatsoever in my dream. Well, I don't even know how I got a girlfeiend. I remember in my dream I had a crush on this guy..things got a bit awlward or something. So, I went to a store and someone asked if I had a girlfriend and I replied "Yea' for some reason with no hesitation, then a friend's image popped up when I said that. Then suddenly my purpose for going to the store was to buy my "girlfriend" a gift. I felt calm and a bit excited or something. I woke up freaked out. I don't remember evem having a "girlfriend" in my dream. But I just said "yes" to the question. I vaguely remember going to the store, in my dream, because someone asked me to, not because I was lookimg for a gift for my "girlfriend." My mind is telling me that, I secretly liked the dream. It's telling me that my dream meant that I will not be straight. It's true that I did worry about my sexuality 24/7. I kept on imagining myself with guys then with girls. I even worried about my previous dream. Last thing I did before I fell asleep was to check a post on HOCD to calm m nerves. But..usually in my dreams like this..I feel anxious in them, and scared. But in this dream I didn't feel anything. Eveeything felt normal. Ugh, why? This is still HOCD dreaming right? RIGHT?!

Hi, Yatakim.

Congratulations on starting college. It can be a wonderful experience, but the first months in particular can be surprisingly stressful as you adjust to your life being turned upside down and having all of that newfound freedom.

OCD can indeed follow you into your dreams, and without your conscious will to keep the thoughts at bay the results can be very unsettling. (I've woken up in mid-leap from my bed before.)

I recently responded to a question about OCD dreams in more detail here:

obsessive-compulsive/topic186572.html

First understand the nature of the illness. In particular read my post 'OCD is a mental spammer'