Well, folks and ladies, it has been a long road that I have just gotten through. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder has been a factor of my life since I have known I was even alive. It has run my thoughts into the f____ing ground, over and over again.
But, you know what? I am a stronger person for it. I am now out of the thicket of maladaptive behavior, and on the journey to developing the strengths I need to recover from OCD. I have learned a few things that I would love to share with you all.
*Queue slowly rising, inspirational music*
1) It is absolutely okay to be upset with yourselves and with your circumstances and this disorder. Those amount to feelings, and feelings are always 100% valid and nobody can take them or deny them. Your feelings make up part of how you will eventually be able to cope with these dynamics in your life that made you Obsessive-Compulsive to begin with. They are important to recognize and they are important to acknowledge. I am NOT saying that this amounts to answering those endless "what if" questions; I AM saying that this is more like simple recognition that you, yourself, are hurt and sad and frustrated and confused and horrified. We developed these abilities to be aware of our feelings for a reason: Because they tell us something is wrong. You are going to be okay.
2) "What if" questions are inevitable for any given person at any given time. These questions are the foundation of our learning experience as children during unstructured playtime ("What if I put this piece with that piece?") They are how we apply meaning to concepts like hope, because the foundational "what if" question can be said thus: "What if I can be happy?" Learn how to harness the energy and effort of what you have - Obsessive Compulsive Disorder - toward healthy, positive known unknowns. These known unknowns are questions like "What if I can beat this?", "What if this won't be my life forever?". And now is the time where I have to break hard news to you, based on a potential "what if" question: Recovery from OCD is a life-long event, and you will struggle. The point is not to focus on the struggle, but the progress. You can do it.
3) You are not alone, at all. We, as humans, all feel lied to and humiliated by playing the fool in a great play. We were told simple things ("People have it worse than you.") that people somehow expect us to fix massive issues, and we feel cheated. And the only conclusion I have come to is that no, nobody has it worse than anyone else. We simply have different versions of the same nightmare. You are not alone.
4) It is okay not to hate someone. In fact, it's probably better not to hate or feel any specific revolt again anyone. Some people speak to each other about exactly what is on their mind, and often those thoughts speak nothing about themselves and who they are as a human being - their likes, dislikes, hopes, dreams - but they are seen as freakish or repulsive based on those thoughts. If you are Obsessive Compulsive, then it would be wise to understand that you are not the sum of your thoughts! You are the sum of your actions, and there are only two results from actions: Positive or negative. If you feel that you build your life around positive actions, with reasonable and moral boundaries and restrictions TO those actions, then you are a good person. That being said, build those boundaries against illegitimate actions and strengthen your ethics, because those will remind you of who you truly are. And, if you can live with yourself guided by a strong moral compass, then you can live with anyone, because you'll realize that even though that compass is reading true north, the tides and skies change rapidly and sometimes the storm looms over. So, it's okay to be compassionate toward others who are caught in the same storm, with the same compass. In fact, that is how you will survive. Hate somebody's actions, however; do not hate their thoughts, because they might help you generate a new idea one day. It's okay to feel sympathy for the devil; just learn from your enemy.
5) That's really pretty much it.
You folks are going to be alright. I hope the lot of you know this, and realize this. I do not think anyone here is told that often enough.
The last thing I hope you understand is that people lie, whether they mean to or not. Unfortunately, it is a part of our nature because it is what has helped us survive as a species. You see it in other species that perform very simple lies to deter its competition, such as playing possum. Our lies are simply more complex and they act as something of a Rube Goldberg machine that fails 999 times out of 1000 attempts. But that one spectacular event where the machine succeeds and the lie works, it rattles us for better or for worse. So, I suggest that it's most important to listen to yourself think for a while. Drown the nonsense and the static of what ever anyone else could possibly say, see your thoughts as passing clouds in the sky, and observe yourself in the moment you live. Live now, not the future or the past, because those events no longer exist.
You will be okay. I promise.