(Just a heads up any asexuals, I have absolutely no intention of bashing your orientation, I only wish I could be so direct and sure of who I am)
This is a long one, sorry if it's TMI. Recently my obsession with possibly having Asperger's has worn itself out from overthinking and taking about 800 online tests for it 800 times (and getting out more, being around people and reminding myself through socialising that OF COURSE I dont have a neurodevelopmental disorder that can affect social ability or anything like that) but now it's moved back to one I had a while ago where I started worrying I was asexual. Ive had past obsessions with missing homework, finding out idols are paedophiles even though nothing about them raises suspicion, being a lesbian, being a psychopath, being autistic, people talking about me etc. Unusually this one feels like it's tied in with where I am in my life now, and linked to outside influence, which is making it feel less bizarre and silly than "oh my god what if Clint Eastwood is a pedo". I'll just get down some details on my thoughts, I'd appreciate if someone could let me know what they think of this...
It started about 2 years ago when a friend casually asked me "any luck meeting anyone?" I replied with "I've dated a couple times but it never goes anywhere really." Now in reality I know this is because this tiny tiny handful of lads that showed an interest in me simply just weren't for me and I felt no spark because I didn't really like them, but went on a date just to give it a go. My friend then said "do you think you might be asexual or something like that?" He was just chucking it out there and probably doesn't even remember saying it, I shrugged it off at the time and my knee jerk reaction in my head was jesus that's a bit dramatic, no of course not. and said "nah that's not it." I spent the rest of the day feeling funny and worrying that this means everyone thinks I "seem asexual" and the red mist descended from there.
-things that tell me I'm not asexual-
I think about sex a LOT. Not in an intrusive thought OCD way, just in a nice way when I'm bored, getting off to sleep or... getting myself off. Sometimes it's faceless figures and I'm watching, sometimes it's with an imaginary character I made up who is a strange hybrid of all the male celebrities I find sexy, sometimes it's with a particular celebrity. Sometimes I look down at myself and get turned on by that, but I don't want it to just be me in bed with me, even though I struggle to picture someone on top of me no matter how hard I try, I can't focus on that even though I want to. I don't fantasise about anyone I know because I'm not attracted to anyone I know, but I have briefly in the past. I felt awkward about it and tried to stop myself, and this was when I was 14. I'm 20 now. My celebrity crushes have always been "he's sexy/I like his personality/sense of humour." Reading what some asexuals say, apparently sense of humour, an attractive face or voice don't count in sexual attraction but then i think SURE they do. If the personality or the sense of humour or the voice makes you want to have sex with that person then its still sexual attraction, surely? When I was younger I didn't really think of it as in "I'd hit that" and didn't fantasise about the crush in that way as such. Now I do. When I was younger I was scared of sex a bit and thought to myself "will I enjoy it ever? Or will I be just doing it because the other person wants to?" I want to now but it makes me uncomfortable that I ever felt like that and aggravates the asexuality worry because having sex just to please your partner without getting anything out of it yourself can be a sign of asexuality.
I have a very dirty mind. I also have had a lot of intrusive sexual thoughts but they don't bother me in the slightest. In fact I like my kinky imagination. Surely someone Asexual AND with Pure O OCD would be irritated or repulsed if their brain was as pervy as mine can be? I also have a dirty sense of humour. From what I've read Asexuals are not sexually inclined in the mind and often don't see the world through a sexual lense and even though I have a barren, barren sex life and have not even been close to meeting a guy I would genuinely want to have sex with out of the handful of people that showed interest in me, I still have a great interest in talking about and learning about sex and I just want to try things out. It seems so intangible though. I kind of can't imagine myself getting it on, or someone wanting to touch me.
Most of the music and films I like are about sexual desire. I know asexuals are not necessarily eugh, this has sex in it not watching that and some are fine with the idea of sex on its own, but when I watch a movie sex scene with an actor I find attractive I think to myself "ooh I wish I was on that!" Instead of just "this is interesting" which seems to be what asexuals think when they watch a sex scene or porn or whatever. Point is I see a sexual thing happening and as well as getting turned on by it I think sigh I wish that was happening to me... even if I'm not sat there madly turned on by it. It's also the mildness of how I do get turned on by film scenes or porn that worries me, but this could be down to me feeling down and costantly second guessing my sexuality instead of being in the moment.
-things that make me worry that I am asexual-
My basically nonexistent track record with guys. I haven't even felt close to wanting to have sex or make out with any of the...3... lads that have taken a bit of an interest in me, but that's too few to make a proper judgement. I sloppily made out with someone 2 years ago while drunk, threw up on him and fled the party, and I hadn't even been keen on him. He made the first move and I thought why not? I did feel a dim drunk enjoyment of it though and I wish I hadn't gone and thrown up WKD on him, it might've got more heated if I hadn't. When I go out I must be giving off asexual vibes I wonder, because I get very little attention from anyone I'd like attention from
Recently I've not been able to focus on my usual fantasies or enjoy watching sexual content because I don't seem to get proper enjoyment from it anymore. My mind drifts off to something else and there isn't thatlonging to be doing something sexual with someone. But it's probably the OCD and stress/depression from it, combined with being stranded in the summer holidays and having anxiety that when I start back at uni and there's a new batch of people to get to know, YET AGAIN there won't be a lad I like. Deep down I know that this is probably because I'm a strong personality who does know what they want. I don't write people off before knowing them but I do know when I'm not interested. I have a loose idea of the kind of someone I'd like to have a sexual relationship with, and that would be someone who is at least a bit like me. Even for a one time thing
Sorry that was so long. I keep ruminating over it, watching sex scenes and imagining myself having sex with a particular person and then assessing whether or not I feel sexual about it, then panicking when I don't, then getting annoyed with people in messageboards who all have their own minutely detailed or worryingly generic and relatable definitions for asexuality... it's such a strange grey area, like the inner debate in my head about the autism spectrum. I can't handle this much doubt... my brief lesbian worries were nicely put to rest by me going "Bicurious! There you go. And look at these statistics. Most women have bicurious feelings and it gets more intense as they get older. Simple as that." Asexuality by comparison is very ambiguous for such afinal state and that's what gets to me, and when I read about asexuality for the first time I did NOT have an epiphany that this was relatable to me like I did with Pure O, so I hate this fixation that I have on it. I know it doesn't really make any sense that I would be asexual, but sex feels like an intangible thing to me right now