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I'm afraid I'm going insane

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I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby shelbycobra1990 » Wed May 25, 2016 10:53 pm

Hey, everyone. So, I've had a pretty colorful history with OCD and depression--since about the age of 7, and I'm 26 now. I would have a really bad spike every 2 to 3 years from my early childhood to my mid teens, but since my early 20's, it has really put me through the ringer. I've had three brief hospitalizations over the past 4 years due to my OCD (because of the intense anxiety and feelings of helplessness that came from my harm theme). I seem to spike really bad for 3-4 weeks, and then I'll be good again for a few months to 2 or 3 years, depending on how my life is going. I had another bout in January that lasted about 3 weeks, but I was able to pull myself out of it by going about daily life.

The past couple of months have been really stressful. I had an uncle die last month, and even though we weren't close, it was still incredibly emotionally trying, as he was my mom's older brother and his funeral was only the 2nd I've ever been to in my life. I also got promoted to a full-time lead position at my job. Unfortunately, with the death in the family and some unrelated health problems (the flu, a severe allergic reaction), I've already had to miss a lot of work, and though my boss has been understanding, I'm still on thin ice with the company attendance wise. There have also been a couple of major cash shortages under my watch, and while those aren't grounds for termination, I've still had to take responsibility for them.

I've also been incredibly stressed about my love life lately--or lack thereof. I'm 26 years old and have never had a real boyfriend or even a trashy one-night-stand. Guys are always really nice to me, but they just don't find me attractive. I am the "funny fat friend" everywhere I go. My last "relationship" ended 2 years ago and lasted for about 2 years as well. He was a friend from high school, and though there wasn't a huge physical attraction on either end, I really liked him. We would often text from 9 or 10 at night until the sun came up, we would go to the movies or just out driving. He always told me how beautiful I was and how much he cared about me, but physically, nothing ever happened. Though I knew that was abnormal and I was hurt that he didn't seem to give in to my advances, I liked him so much I didn't even care. When it ended, there was no clean break-up. We just stopped hanging out and texting, and the next thing I knew, his mom is teasing him about some cute girl he met at school.That definitely left a bad taste in my mouth about dating. Last summer he called me out of nowhere really upset and said he felt so guilty about what happened between us, but the reason he was never really into me the way he "should have been" was because he was gay and his conservative family couldn't deal with it. We've become closer since his confession, but I've never had another relationship. I keep wondering if it's ever going to happen for me. And then there are the questions about what will happen when/if it DOES. Will he think I'm a weirdo because I've never been in a real relationship? How do I bring up having such bad OCD and the mental hospital stays without him running away?

Educationally, my life is also really crappy. I started college 7 years ago this August and had dreams of majoring in English and being a writer. For all of my middle to high school years, I had English teachers who adored me and practically thought I could do no wrong, so going from that to professors who treated me like I was trash was a huge change. After about a year, I started feeling depressed and unmotivated. I didn't know what I wanted to do anymore, I started missing classes. In April of 2012, I decided to quit school. I've been trying to go back over the past 4 years (I've been accepted as a transfer to a few universities), but I keep feeling like I'm too old to go back and won't be able to keep up. I was a really good student in high school and come from people who value education, so I just feel like a loser not having a degree yet.

I've been kind of depressed this week, and then last night, I gained a new fear that is making me feel totally insane. Granted, I've been watching a lot of scary movies lately. Last night while sitting on my couch, I happen to look into the blackness of my turned-off television and had the though "It kind of looks like a person is sitting next to me." My mind formed an entire body and everything. Immediately I went cold and thought "Wow, that's totally crazy! You know there's no one there." But even though I know it sounds dumb, every time I'm in front of the TV, I keep CHECKING to make sure there's nothing there. It's making me feel really crazy and paranoid that I have to keep checking. And then I read online about the comorbidity of OCD and schizophrenia, and I thought "What if I have it?" I've always had such a strong tendency to daydream that I can feel like I'm somewhere else entirely (though I've always been able to distinguish these daydreams from reality), so what if it's just something else I'll eventually be diagnosed with? I just feel really anxious and am needing advice. Thanks everyone for listening.
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Re: I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby Snaga » Thu May 26, 2016 3:08 am

Welcome to the forum!

Well from the description and your user name, I like you already. Just sayin'.

Well you got the answer on that relationship- I'd already decided that before you got to him coming out.

First off- the "funny fat friend" ... that's highly subjective. Some guys like curvy. So I don't think that's any concern. Nor is the age, sweet pea. I was a late bloomer, and I'm a guy. My best friend (aside from my partner), she didn't get in a real relationship until she was in her 40s. Some of us just get started later. In a way, that's handy- most ppl I know that started at a 'normal' age are already divorced and remarried at least once. What's so great about that?

Now to the meat. Hmm that kinda sounds like when you pass the mirror in the Haunted House ride at Disneyworld..... :wink: Seriously, it's nighttime, you're in your place alone- what's not to be spooky? I get spooked out if I'm alone at night- I don't like being in a place alone at night, I never have. I can do it- but I don't like it, and have to always be careful not to weird myself out. It's too easy, and I don't think anyone even has to have OCD, much less Schizophrenia, to be imagining things after dark. Humans are a diurnal species. There's bad things out there in the dark, with teeth, and all Homo Sapiens had was a spear. And fire. Of course it's spooky.

I don't think you have anything more to worry about, than your imagination, sweets.
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Re: I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby Exempt » Thu May 26, 2016 3:15 am

Been there, done that.

Let it happen, with OCD the key to defeating it is to stare it in the face and call its bluff - so challenge your brain to see just how insane it will make you.

Be brave and say bring it on - I promise you have nothing to lose except your own fear.

You will not regret it.
May you find what you are looking for.
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Re: I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby jdd » Thu May 26, 2016 4:44 pm

Snaga wrote:Well you got the answer on that relationship- I'd already decided that before you got to him coming out.


How would you have figured that? Simply lacking of attraction? How's that any different from HOCD sufferers until you got to the coming out part lol especially since you don't know the person.
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Re: I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby Snaga » Fri May 27, 2016 3:03 am

Seriously? My long range Gaydar told me.

It wasn't hard.

Not everyone has OCD. Sometimes a cigar... is a cigar.
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Re: I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby jdd » Fri May 27, 2016 2:33 pm

Snaga wrote:Seriously? My long range Gaydar told me.

It wasn't hard.

Not everyone has OCD. Sometimes a cigar... is a cigar.


That wasn't my point. I was saying how do you justify knowing they are gay but we are definitely OCD.

And FWIW there is absolutely no such thing as gaydar its #######4.
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Re: I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby Snaga » Fri May 27, 2016 4:09 pm

We're hijacking this thread. This is about seeing things in the TV at night. Which I've done, BTW, Shelby. If we want to continue on a tangent, we can start a new thread, or take it to PM, where I'll be happy to argue it to death. But in this thread, I'm putting on my mod hat and suggesting we stick to topic and not bicker over a side remark I made to the OP.
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Re: I'm afraid I'm going insane

Postby greenly24 » Sun May 29, 2016 12:54 am

I'm sorry you continue to experience a kind of yoyo with your OCD and anxiety. I can imagine that's not very much fun. I can't speak to OCD, but with anxiety, sometimes you can learn your triggers or anticipate when you'll be anxious. The trick is to not avoid those things, but to know that they make cause anxiety and to prepare, knowing that nothing bad will happen. It's definitely difficult to go through still and I'm sure the death of your uncle has made things worse. Like you said, even when you don't know someone very well, their death can still be somewhat traumatic. As with anything, I think it may just take a little time to get over that.

As for your dating life, I'm basically in the same boat with you. I am 27 and have not dated and really don't have any prospects. Still, even though I too feel this pressure to check the "marriage" box, I try not to let it bother me. Everyone has their issues and I'm sure the right guy will come along. It just happens that we have to be a little more patient than our peers. Despite your issues, I'm sure you're still a lovely girl and will find a guy someday. In the meantime, try to enjoy yourself.

And as for seeing another person in the TV, I wouldn't worry about that too much either. If I hear any bump or creak in the night, I always think it's an axe murderer coming to get me. Even though that's completely irrational, I think it's still fairly normal.
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