Hey everyone.
First, I want to star off by saying that I'm in college, and I've been dating my girlfriend for a couple years now. I love her to death; she's honestly one of the best things that's ever happened to me, and my best friend. I can trust her with anything, and that's what makes this feeling so hard to cope with.
I've never worried about cheating before. I know my morals, and I could never hurt her for the sake of some stupid fling. That being said, recently I've become paranoid about instances where I've had a few drinks and can't remember chunks of the night. One memory in particular is causing me trouble, and I'd like some advice.
Last year I visited my sister in Auburn on her birthday. MY girlfriend was busy, and upset that she couldn't come, but she told me to have a good time. My sister and I, with a couple of her friends, went to an event called Rodeo, basically an all-day drinking festival with a concert at the end. Long story short, I got hammered and passed out a couple times that day; it's difficult for me to remember anything after four or five. I fell asleep without meaning to at one point, as I would learn from later pictures.
Anyways, the things I remember don't really concern me. I was talking to a pretty girl, but left shortly after I realized my group had moved on. One thing that sets off alarm bells in my head is that I told my friend, "I don't regret being in a relationship, but if there was one even I could be single for, this would be it." He responded by encouraging me, saying my girlfriend would never find out. Naturally, I laughed it off and ignored it, knowing I could never hurt my girlfriend like that.
Anyways, the day passed and I woke up on a friend's couch. At the time I felt nothing; there was no guilt, no worrying, just contentment. However, when my sister came in and started talking to her friends, I felt the first seeds of doubt start to appear. Apparently, she had made out with a guy the previous day, but she said she had absolutely no recollection of it. That was enough to almost send me into a panic. After all, what if the same thing had happened to me? What if I simply didn't remember cheating? I would never do it soberly, but what if drunk me wasn't nearly as ethical? The idea terrified me.
I spent the next couple of days feeling tortured, until I finally texted one of my friends there about what had happened. She reassured me hadn't kissed anyone, and that mostly I just passed out. So for a while I've been happy, easily able to forget about it.
That is, until a few days ago. For whatever reason, the panic has come back with a vengeance, and I don't know what to do. It's unreasonable for me to rely on one person's testimony, since she couldn't have kept an eye on me the entire time I was blackout. It's torturing me to thing I could have cheated on my wonderful girlfriend and just not know. It feels like a lie of omission. The more I think about it, the more possible it seems. Why would I have said what I did about being single if it wasn't a thought in my mind? How can I be certain? If my sister could've been so trashed that she didn't remember kissing someone, who's to say the same thing didn't happen to me?
It's been nearly a year, and I didn't think I'd ever need to deal with this worry again. I texted my sister today, asking if she could tell me anything and if her friends had seen anything. She replied that I didn't do anything wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. I want to believe her with all my heart, but I just can't. I'm wracked with doubts and guilt.
Does anyone have any advice for this? Sorry for the length of the post, by the way, I just needed to get it off my chest. This nagging feeling hasn't left me alone for days, and I just want to be happy again. I want to love my beautiful girlfriend and not doubt my own fidelity. Our anniversary is coming up fast, and I want to be able to have a nice dinner, laugh with her, and enjoy myself without questioning whether or not I'm a lying piece of crap. I just want these feelings to go away and stop torturing me with "what ifs"