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OCD about cheating

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OCD about cheating

Postby Cagliari412 » Thu Jan 29, 2015 4:04 pm

Hey everyone.

First, I want to star off by saying that I'm in college, and I've been dating my girlfriend for a couple years now. I love her to death; she's honestly one of the best things that's ever happened to me, and my best friend. I can trust her with anything, and that's what makes this feeling so hard to cope with.

I've never worried about cheating before. I know my morals, and I could never hurt her for the sake of some stupid fling. That being said, recently I've become paranoid about instances where I've had a few drinks and can't remember chunks of the night. One memory in particular is causing me trouble, and I'd like some advice.

Last year I visited my sister in Auburn on her birthday. MY girlfriend was busy, and upset that she couldn't come, but she told me to have a good time. My sister and I, with a couple of her friends, went to an event called Rodeo, basically an all-day drinking festival with a concert at the end. Long story short, I got hammered and passed out a couple times that day; it's difficult for me to remember anything after four or five. I fell asleep without meaning to at one point, as I would learn from later pictures.

Anyways, the things I remember don't really concern me. I was talking to a pretty girl, but left shortly after I realized my group had moved on. One thing that sets off alarm bells in my head is that I told my friend, "I don't regret being in a relationship, but if there was one even I could be single for, this would be it." He responded by encouraging me, saying my girlfriend would never find out. Naturally, I laughed it off and ignored it, knowing I could never hurt my girlfriend like that.

Anyways, the day passed and I woke up on a friend's couch. At the time I felt nothing; there was no guilt, no worrying, just contentment. However, when my sister came in and started talking to her friends, I felt the first seeds of doubt start to appear. Apparently, she had made out with a guy the previous day, but she said she had absolutely no recollection of it. That was enough to almost send me into a panic. After all, what if the same thing had happened to me? What if I simply didn't remember cheating? I would never do it soberly, but what if drunk me wasn't nearly as ethical? The idea terrified me.

I spent the next couple of days feeling tortured, until I finally texted one of my friends there about what had happened. She reassured me hadn't kissed anyone, and that mostly I just passed out. So for a while I've been happy, easily able to forget about it.

That is, until a few days ago. For whatever reason, the panic has come back with a vengeance, and I don't know what to do. It's unreasonable for me to rely on one person's testimony, since she couldn't have kept an eye on me the entire time I was blackout. It's torturing me to thing I could have cheated on my wonderful girlfriend and just not know. It feels like a lie of omission. The more I think about it, the more possible it seems. Why would I have said what I did about being single if it wasn't a thought in my mind? How can I be certain? If my sister could've been so trashed that she didn't remember kissing someone, who's to say the same thing didn't happen to me?

It's been nearly a year, and I didn't think I'd ever need to deal with this worry again. I texted my sister today, asking if she could tell me anything and if her friends had seen anything. She replied that I didn't do anything wrong and that I have nothing to worry about. I want to believe her with all my heart, but I just can't. I'm wracked with doubts and guilt.

Does anyone have any advice for this? Sorry for the length of the post, by the way, I just needed to get it off my chest. This nagging feeling hasn't left me alone for days, and I just want to be happy again. I want to love my beautiful girlfriend and not doubt my own fidelity. Our anniversary is coming up fast, and I want to be able to have a nice dinner, laugh with her, and enjoy myself without questioning whether or not I'm a lying piece of crap. I just want these feelings to go away and stop torturing me with "what ifs"
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Re: OCD about cheating

Postby Otter » Fri Jan 30, 2015 5:20 am

We had one like this last year, a man as well - at a bar, got too drunk and couldn't remember, and so thought the worst.

I say this because you are not alone in this and my reactions is relatively the same:

- unless you want to spend time hunting down someone who may not exist, you should give it up.

- however, if it is burgeoning OCD it may not let you give it up. and you could spend a lifetime looking for someone who doesn't exist, because your brain will "what if" you constantly. that is OCD.

- this may make your eyes roll, but if you are drinking until you black out, you could have issues far worse than anxiety not too far down the road.

have you ever been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder? if not, now may be the time to see someone. especially if this continues. and drinking makes anxiety worse in the long run. my 30s proved that.

good luck -

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