HOCD or Denial?

I am a 17 year old boy and ive been living a hell for the past 4 days.
i have always been attracted to girls and i started masturbating to normal hetro porn since i was 12 and i never had any interest in guys whatsoever.
i live in iran and all schools here are Single-sex schools.
i watch a lot of porn and masturbate at least 1 time a day ( like i said starting from 12 so i guess that makes me an addict ).
4 days ago i was watching a movie and i dont know what happened but suddenly i thought that im gay and these thought are still annoying me .
im scared to look at gay porn because i think i might get turned on by it and the thought of being with another man and kissing him doesnt bother me but since i was a kid i always pictured myself being with a woman and having kids and i never pictured myself being with a man. i even remember picking the most hot girl on tv exactly 1 day before these thought came into my head.
now i read about hodc and gay denial and i dont know which one this is i think its odc but i cant justify the fact that being with another man doesnt bother me.

another reason that i think it might be hocd is that i think i might have ocd background:
when i was a kid i stayed at my grandmothers house most of the time.
my mom and my dad used to fight a lot because my mom used to think that he was having an affair, since my father was at work my mom and my grandma used to talk about him, things like: getting a divorce, following him ...
but one day i was sleep at my grandmas house and i woke up and i heard them talking about a disease that my father has and i knew they were talking about HIV (i dont know how but i knew what HIV was and i knew that it was a sexually transmitted disease).
after this thing happend my childhood was ruined for about 4-5 month and all it was all i could think of.

hi ineedzhelpz..

i can't tell you whether you have OCD/HOCD but what i know for sure, you're not in denial. if the thought of being with another man freaks you out then 99.998% you're not gay. which is i think you do because you said that your thoughts are disturbing you. and you never pictured yourself being with a man

ineedzhelpz wrote:another reason that i think it might be hocd is that i think i might have ocd background:
when i was a kid i stayed at my grandmothers house most of the time.
my mom and my dad used to fight a lot because my mom used to think that he was having an affair, since my father was at work my mom and my grandma used to talk about him, things like: getting a divorce, following him ...
but one day i was sleep at my grandmas house and i woke up and i heard them talking about a disease that my father has and i knew they were talking about HIV (i dont know how but i knew what HIV was and i knew that it was a sexually transmitted disease).
after this thing happend my childhood was ruined for about 4-5 month and all it was all i could think of.

i am really sorry to hear what you've been through. although not really sure how it's related to hocd. but i'm sure it could be one of the reason why you're feeling this way

and one thing, please stop watching porn. not forever. but in the meantime because your anxiety is running high so watching porn might worsen your anxiety and fear. and please seek help if you can't handle this on your own.

In line with Ada, I suggest you try NOFAP (google it), as porn is a form of reassurance. It will change the way you'll look at and feel about women.

I remember being exposed to porn at the age of 13, and it has changed my life forever. Eventually I gained a porn addiction and by the time I reached high school, I spent hours watching internet porn and would masturbate up to 3-5 times a day. Sometimes more. It may have contributed to my current primary obsession (fear of being gay/bi) so I am trying to quit it forever.

Take a look at this video called "The Great Porn Experiment":

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wSF82AwSDiU

And also check out this website called "Your Brain on Porn" by Gary Wilson:

http://www.yourbrainonporn.com/

NoFap is also a good thing to check out, but I would be cautious of visiting the NoFap message boards. A lot of members are not too well informed on OCD (especially HOCD obsessions) and have caused me to spike on more than one occasion. For instance, my compulsion is the need to look at men's butts to check for arousal. One member told me that perhaps I always had a desire for men's butts and that online imagery enhanced the desire. I read that on Christmas day and cancelled all of my plans and spent the day reviewing my past instead. Of course this member was not very smart and what he said is not helpful or true.

@Torrent
@ocdbrazil
@HopeLite
Thank you all for your replies.
i have a question:
does hocd make you find the same sex attractive ?
btw i found this good read about hocd and i can totally relate to it:

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http://yourbrainonporn.com/hocd-stop-looking-answers

The name of the disease is "the doubting disease". You start questioning everything, and some things seem real, like attraction. You may also doubt if you find women attractive at all.

I have many others. For instance, some times I opened the window of a really tall building and for three or four seconds i "felt" the desire to jump. It seemed real.

In the accute phase, you cannot really know. So you have to quit asking for a definitive answer for that question.

I am starting to genuinely believe that I am attracted to men on the street when I stare at their butts or whatever, and I keep getting very mild erections (maybe it's a groinal response). And what worries me is that I am feeling "content" with it. Like I stop freaking out and just accept that I'm possibly attracted to men. I have to keep reminding myself that I have OCD and that this is just a symptom (I HOPE!!!)

OCD is about 'genuinely believing'. Whenever I held my child and my mind said "throw him down from the window" or when I opened a window and my mind said to me "throw yourself down", it always seemed very real.

Have you ever felt one day that you were "gayer" than the other? It is very difficult to convince the OCD mind of something.

ocdbrazil wrote:OCD is about 'genuinely believing'. Whenever I held my child and my mind said "throw him down from the window" or when I opened a window and my mind said to me "throw yourself down", it always seemed very real.

Have you ever felt one day that you were "gayer" than the other? It is very difficult to convince the OCD mind of something.

I have some days where I say to myself, "I am completely confident that I am 100% straight and I am only having an OCD obsession." Then after those "highs" or "peaks" as I like to call them, I start to sink really low and I feel more gay or bisexual than ever (as I do at this moment). Then I start to slip and say, "ok, this is just OCD" but I don't feel very confident in myself. It feels like through obsessing over my orientation my mind has now started changing to like these thoughts and has gotten me to like men.