Is this HOCD?It's Killing Me

My experience with HOCD has been overwhelming. I can't really even remember how it started but it has now been four horrible, anxiety ridden months. I remember the first night I woke up at 2 in the morning and sat on my bed and cried and went on sexuality websites and cried and researched and cried some more until I finally got some reassurance that every teen has gay thoughts and went to sleep thinking it was over. It wasn't. After that almost all of everyday has been spent worrying about being gay.

I'd think "I've liked boys my whole life, I can't be gay" but then I'll cancel that out with "But you have questioned your sexuality for like 1 second like once before you're obviously a lesbian" I recently looked through my google history from the past three months and it is overwhelmingly all about homosexuality and HOCD. I remember the first time I found out about HOCD and I looked at the symptoms and I started to cry with pure joy.

I was so relieved that there was a reason for all my doubts and all my fear and I fit all the symptoms so exactly. I was so happy and I finally thought it was over. It wasn't. All the time now I am looking at girls and thinking "Do I find her attractive?" "Am I attracted to her?" And one time through all of this someone was making a joke about my whole friend group being gay for one another and one of my best (girl) friends has the same name as me so they said hah they must be gay for each other and now whenever I see her I think "Do I actually like her?" "Maybe I do." etc. and one of my killing points is that I have had two crushes on gay men/effeminate men and even though they are still both men and I have never liked a girl I see that as maybe a symptom of my being gay.

Also, when I was in grade five I had a best friend who I was very attached to and I thought that was a symptom of my lesbianism but truly I never wanted her to kiss me or anything I just wanted my best friend. Also, when I was very young me and my friend would put our hands over our mouths and "kiss" but isn't it true that most young kids experiment?

Also I remember liking doing this and that scares me more than anything. Is it possible I truly am a lesbian because I wanted to kiss a girl when I was 10? I'm so scared I don't know what to do I feel like I might die, and this isn't how lesbians feel about being lesbian, is it? I've liked boys my whole life but I feel like that could have just been denial.

I remember I'd always get excited if I was going to say a wedding because what if I met a cute boy there? BOY BOY BOY BOY BOY!!! IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN BOYS WHY IS IT SUDDENLY SOMETHING DIFFERENT?! I'm going insane. Someone please help me

Yes, many young kids experiment. Doesn't mean anything special. While being very attached to someone means that you have the emotional depth to form a strong relationship with another human. Nothing to do with sexuality whatsoever.

The thing is, HOCD doesn't go away once you label it. It just wriggles around and tries to get more devious. So it's one of the grimmest ironies that there's no way for anyone to reassure you. Even though if I could, I absolutely would. It's such a hard thing to live with. Reading this might help with some background information. obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html From someone who's gone through similar stuff. [I haven't.]

Something to remember is that you don't have to do anything you don't want genuinely fully want to. No matter how much some random part of your brain is pushing you. You never ever have to kiss another woman. Fact. Ever. Doesn't matter if you're thinking about it. It never has to happen. You never have to have a relationship with a woman ever. If you have gay thoughts, that means you're having gay thoughts. Nothing more than that. If you can, try not to let these thoughts define you or your life. You haven't changed, just because you're having these thoughts. You're bigger than ANYTHING you can think. Gay, straight or leprechaun loving thoughts, doesn't matter. Please try to hold onto that. You can get through this.