Warning, pretty graphic.
I never had these thoughts before, maybe because my other one's are so much more disturbing.
Last night I needed to use the bathroom and my roommate was using it and was taking a bowel movement. He left and I rushed in right away and there were a few “floaties” in the toilet and I thought to myself, gross, and of what a slob my roommate is. But the images of the feces stuck in my head an now I can’t get it out. At first it was just the thought of the chunck’s of feces that bothered me and then I pictured a bunch of different scenarios. Like me masturbating and then ejaculating feces, and CORN kept coming into the picture. I don’t even think there was corn in the feces that I actually saw, but then my mind keeps adding it. Then if that wasn’t enough it’s like I was using the feces as a lubricant. YUCK, UGH, What the hell is going on here. The thoughts dissipated by morning but then I had this ruminating thought all day, and still do right now as I’m writing this post. My thought all day was an overlying tone of me rubbing it into my chest and through my chest hair. Always having the thought there, picturing my hand rubbing it in in a circular motion. And having it in my groin area and masturbating with it. Or putting it on my tongue and eating it. It just keeps multiplying and multiplying.
I don’t think I want to do any of the things I just mentioned at all, it’s just that I feel completely humiliated and embarrassed by them. I mean, what kind of “weirdo” thinks about this stuff? I don’t have contamination fears or anything. It’s just the constant recurrence of the thoughts over and over and over again.
Now this is the really annoying part. Regardless of your obsession.
With the rumination of rubbing it in my chest throughout today. On a couple of occasions I completely forgot about it for a brief time. Actually just now while typing this I had to email a friend and briefly got lost in the email exchange for maybe 30 seconds, and the thought was gone and then SMACK, right back in the same spot before, rumination over and over and over again. Chest, Chest, Chest, Groin, Groin, Chest, Chest, CORN, CORN (Where the hell did corn come from I ask), Chest, Chest, Groin.)
It's as if I was enjoying myself, and then my OCD said not so fast Mark, remember the feces thought. Well here it is again.