IS THIS HOCD? PLEASE HELP ME *TW*

So I'm 17 and female. Iv'e never been diagnosed but I know Iv'e had mild OCD since I was around 9. My friend has diagnosed OCD and see the things she does and I recognize them in myself.

Right so when I was younger I was a tomboy and I wanted to be a boy I guess. (I remember trying to pee standing up once). Anyway, I had a bi-curious phase at around 14. Now I never remember having huge crushes on anyone as a kid. I remember having one on Zac efron in HSM. But I would go nto y room and pretend to be him. I have Malidaptive Daydreaming and I am always a gay male character in my head and have always been a male character in my head. So I don't know if I like boys bc the character does etc.

Anyway, after my Bi-Curious phase I went back to liking boys. I mean boys can be HOT. However, I could see a boy in good clothes and be like "he's hot" but the net day he could be in gross clothes and I would t find him attractive. But apparently a lot of girls think this way. Onto the liking girls thing. Sometimes I will think that I can't be 100% straight. The first time this happened (besides n my Bi-Curious phase) was after I went out with this boy a few months ago. He wasn't the best looking guy but he made me laugh and I thought why not give it a try? So we went to this hill ting and we were kissing and I was like ewwww and he was touching me (not inappropriately, I said he could) He was just holding my stomach and my bum and he stroked n between my boobs and I hated it.

I got home and told my mum and she asked if I was a lesbian.I said no but I stopped and tut about it. About how wen I got drunk I made out with a girl in the bushes more than once. And how I could only get wet with a boy when I was 14 (Over the clothes touching) and when I was drunk at a party and got fingered. And I was on google for ages stressing about it. I was walking around and asking myself if I found people attractive. Then after a while I was lie "No, I'm straight and I need to shut up". But it keeps coming and going. Like I compare a picture of myself to a cute boy and a cute girl to see my feelings etc. I also watch porn to see what I get turned on by the most.

But it gets confusing because I do want to kiss girls and I do want to sleep with them and ha a girlfriend but I don't know if it's just my head telling me I do. I saw a GIF of two girls around my ages taking each other and one of two girls kissing and I want to do that.

I'm also confused because I see a boy and think wow you're hot but if we went on a date I would lose all interest. And I also don't know if I'm trans. Because when I was around 14 I had had enough of being bullied for "looking like a man" that I decided to become a girly girl. Now I have an OCD thing were I will chant girl as I do things or try not to read the letter m or the word man because it will make me look like one. S I would hate being called a boy. But I can't help but think that if I wasn't bullied would I still be a tomboy? I don't know if I find boys clothes attractive or i I just want to wear them. I do know that I don't want a penis but I don''t know if that has anything to do with it because I'm used to my vagina. I know that if I could go back and pick I would choose to be a boy at birth. But I don't know how much of that is because of my daydreams.

I'm so sorry this was so long. Thank you to anyone who read it all and answers the question.

hi. i moved this into OCD forum, and leave a shadow in sexuality forum. this will appear in both places. good luck

I don't see much here that relates to discernible (acute) symptoms of OCD; maybe some compulsion. That is not to say that you don't have OCD (it's not for me to diagnose). But there does seem to be some valid questions-asking regarding your sexual preference, choices, etc. But hey, you're 17! That's what being 17 is all about: learning-by-experience and self questioning, what is right for you.

Unfortunately we still live in an age where an individual is not allowed to explore without being judged. But that is what I would do - heck, that is what I did!

However, if it is upsetting you and you find it hard to cope, seek out a therapist. They can look at these things without prejudice. If you haven't had therapy it can sound like a big deal, but the idea here is just to throw it back and forth with someone who is not a "friend", or "family", so they aren't clouded by their personal relationship with you. They can also seek out any lasting or rooted sense of OCD.

But ultimately it's your body, your mind, your life. Explore who you are becoming, and work your way to who you are going to be - something of YOUR CHOICE.

good luck, Otter.