by TwistedSpoon » Wed Oct 22, 2014 2:08 am
Liz,
How did the appointment with your therapist go? I think it's somewhat easier for me to do exposure, because the actual threats aren't around anymore. I'm not in actual danger, and whenever someone pulls emotional/manipulative/abusive/anything tricks on me or the people around me, most of the time I'm even the first one to take notice of it and act accordingly. It's easy for me to take distance, and even though I'm very open towards everyone, I am very harsh and don't let myself get emotionally attached to other people easily. Even when I do get attached, I think(/hope) it is another kind of attachment, a looser kind. But I digress. It's easier for me because the only people around me are my mother, sister and therapist(s), and they are all relatively safe. My father is locked away (for now - but we have also moved to a different city for physical distance), and I'm not forced into contact with the other oc-incorrect people either. The anxiety is in my head and value system, and while the triggers are from the outside world, I can change my response to them. Is there any way you can break contact with your father? I mean, he is not only oc-incorrect, but also abusive. I would personally regard him as a threat, regardless of situation. You could change your response to it, but in this case it would still be wise to protect yourself in realistic/effective ways.
I have been working further into the list. Downloading all kinds of things and working through bookmarks. I haven't asked (checked) my mother about the environmental factors that would have an 'effect' on the situation according to the ocd. I don't even care. I'm just ignoring everything and working through it.
It was a shock with the cat, but my mother called the vet on the following morning, and the day after she could show the cat for examination. He gave her some kind of medicine that the cat has to eat every morning and also a painkiller. My mother has also switched to a different brand of food en put a tiny amount of some kind of alternative medicine in the cat's drinking water. So far she hasn't had another accident since that time. Tomorrow my mother will have to call the vet again for assessment of the situation.
Sorry for the late reply by the way, but I was doing well at ignoring the cat situation and knew I had to say something about it if I were to post here again. It's actually not that bad writing about it now that I am doing it, but I wasn't feeling able to take the risk of falling back before.
I've actually stood right up after the accident that night and a good night's sleep. My ocd wanted me to reject a lot of things again, wanted to blow it out of proportion. But I believed (still believe) that I have made the progress on a good foundation. I had felt strong, the new kind of strong I was talking about. It didn't feel compulsion-correct, but that didn't matter, because I still felt good about it. I still appreciated the things I wanted to appreciate. I took a few small risks again the day after, then the day after that a few more. Climbing back up.
So I have slowly been getting better again. It wasn't as revolutionary as before but still:
- Downloading stuff
- Listening to all kinds of new music and not caring about my situation
- Reading a lot of articles and interviews on the web (and saving those too)
- Looking at art
- Recording a few melodies to my phone (it's a shame I don't have any instruments anymore; I only have my voice left)
- Designing a prototype logo for something (lol)
- Didn't feel inclined to asses anything in ocd-ways at all
- Wearing another new T-shirt
- Eating healthier (instead of only breakfast and dinner, there's lunch now too)
Ok maybe a little revolutionary.
It has me frustrated that I haven't amounted to anything in my life though. I read somewhere that mastering something takes about 11 years. I have only ever quit the things I liked, never allowed myself to grow. Even if I manage to get healthy enough to go to college, what would I do? I was hoping on a design school, but I haven't created anything consistently in the past years to show them that I can grow. Even now, I only make a few things here and there, but my interests are scattered between a lot of different things, and I have difficulty choosing a specialization. Maybe I could do everything, but then I would have to really set my mind on it, and produce things a lot more often than I'm doing now. It's just that I'm in such a basic process of building up my activities again, I'm impatient, but know I can't rush myself. Simple everyday activities feel like a victory to me. I'm far behind on actual life. I don't even have a social life anymore, nor anything like Facebook (though I do have Tumblr, but it doesn't have any people I know in real life). I want to do so many different things but I feel trapped within my own tempo. I guess I will have to accept that, and convert it to a healthy driving force.
So right now there are tons of things I want to do, but there are several practical things that have to be done first.
- Bicycle repair
- Hairdresser appointment
- EMP order (spending my well-earned points before they're gone aka buying a scarf for the upcoming weather)
I have been procrastinating all these things for way too long. The only thing I have to do is actually doing it. I don't know where the bike repair shop is in this city, but I should call up some shops and ask them about it (my bike has been broken for more than a month, maybe even two). Same goes for the hairdresser. EMP is less difficult because it's just placing a digital order, so I think I will do that first.
My next appointment with the psychiatrist is on the 30th, and the psychologist on the 31st. I've sorted out the trigger. I think she triggered a rebellious, angrily motivated side of me, because she treated me as if I were crazy, and as if she was taking pity in me, like looking down on someone. I hate that. My psychiatrist has never treated me like that. My mother is urging me to voice these concerns towards them if it keeps bothering me. Maybe I will.
Torrent, your mom does sound a lot like mine, haha. She says stuff like "it's not rational", very annoying indeed.
Woops, 4am. Quickly going to sleep now. Thanks you two and a late goodnight!