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Emotional Contamination and Stuff

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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby lizinlondon » Wed Oct 15, 2014 6:51 pm

Hi Twistedspoon

I think your list is amazing. Definately do what you can. Capitalize on your positive mood and make progress. And you are right to choose your own direction. This is how therapy is meant to work. The therapist is meant to support you to achieve your goals. Remember to keep repeating the activity once you start, that is the key to retraining your brain to not associate anxiety with an activity. Really well done!

Torrent I am glad you are feeling positive too. I think we are all learning from each other. I wish you strength in your recovery x
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby impromptu » Thu Oct 16, 2014 3:02 am

hi lizinlondon, thanks a lot. i am struggling a bit lately but i'm fine. i hope one day you can share your ocd story too if you like :) hope you're doing well.
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby TwistedSpoon » Fri Oct 17, 2014 2:47 am

Hey Liz and Torrent :>

Thanks for the support! I feel stronger knowing that you are there.

So far I have...
- Started using the facial cleaning products
- Started using the 2TB hard drive
- Downloaded stuff
- Saved random stuff I liked (and had piled up to be saved on 'better times') to the computer
- Started wearing a new T-shirt (today)
- Went to bed at 2am twice (but it's almost 4am tonight)
- Got up at 11am (today)
- Neglected inclinations to asses what I 'have' to depend on in an oc-correct way
- Enjoyed stuff, laughed on several occasions (even though life still feels ugly if I pay attention to it, I just try to forget about it)
- Edited some photos that I had made in the forest before (they were made with a phone cameras, and a really bad one even among its kind, but the sunset was glowing through the trees and my sister wanted photos), editing proved to be quite a challenge but I managed to convey the atmosphere decently enough I think

...

Ok I'm reporting live from TS' living room. The old cat's accidents in the hallway have become both more frequent and more severe. The timespan between the last time and the most recent incident, was only around 48 hours. The subject has also left traces of what seems to be blood on several locations. There seem to have been signs of an internal struggle.

I used to be mainly pissed off about it. I still am. Frustrated and disgusted. And afraid, but less so, because I don't allow myself to stop and think about it. What has changed, is that I'm also worried about the cat right now... But still to a lesser extent, I guess, because the other emotions are so heavy and I'm harsh towards anything that causes bad emotions. Today my mother was saying: "Maybe we should wait until Wednesday to make an appointment with the vet, if it is even necessary." I think it is false 'hope' on her part. I know she doesn't have the money. But I don't intend to just do nothing (even though I'm completely dependent on her choice). She keeps pointing to my ocd and says she doesn't want that to be the reason for her to take action. I keep telling her it's not about the ocd. I hope she will finally listen tomorrow. I hope she will make an appointment soon, and not wait until Wednesday. She works overtime, is tired, doesn't have time and money, but... dshjk how can I justify this?! I just want her to take action NOW. I'm convinced that I'm not acting irrationally about this. I'm the one that cleans the hallway every other day, and puts up with her when she is taking out her frustration on the other cats, and ... I won't go into further detail, but... she doesn't know how much of an impact this has and she doesn't take me seriously because I'm mentally unstable and I know she is going to make excuses again tomorrow and blame me for thinking of it as excuses, or maybe I just fear that she's going to make excuses and she is only doing everything within her own capabilities... but it feels really wrong.

And now that I've written all of that I have aggravated the bad emotions. Unfortunate. How will I even sleep tonight? Every time I make progress the cat screws it all over. But I shouldn't assume I can't get through this yet. But am I? I've done all these things today... Will they become contaminated? No, I shouldn't think like that. Frak.
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby impromptu » Sat Oct 18, 2014 2:39 am

hello TS

TwistedSpoon wrote:So far I have...
- Started using the facial cleaning products
- Started using the 2TB hard drive
- Downloaded stuff
- Saved random stuff I liked (and had piled up to be saved on 'better times') to the computer
- Started wearing a new T-shirt (today)
- Went to bed at 2am twice (but it's almost 4am tonight)
- Got up at 11am (today)
- Neglected inclinations to asses what I 'have' to depend on in an oc-correct way
- Enjoyed stuff, laughed on several occasions (even though life still feels ugly if I pay attention to it, I just try to forget about it)
- Edited some photos that I had made in the forest before (they were made with a phone cameras, and a really bad one even among its kind, but the sunset was glowing through the trees and my sister wanted photos), editing proved to be quite a challenge but I managed to convey the atmosphere decently enough I think


that's really nice TS. :)

i'm sorry to hear about old cat's accident and that you are feeling frustrated. hmm.. sounds like my Mom. since she knew i have OCD, if something happens, she will say something like 'its your ocd' 'don't make excuse because of your ocd' errr. i find it really annoying. it's not even related to my ocd. but yeah as long as she doesn't force me to change. :) she's an animal lover and she's a dog rescuer.

i hope your mother will listen to you and make an appointment with the vet

you have done great today, don't think too much.. hugs. hope things get settled down.
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby lizinlondon » Mon Oct 20, 2014 1:06 am

Hey Twistedspoon

Sorry for the delay in replying. I had to do laundry this weekend, and with the OCD it is always a traumatic experience. I am exhausted from it but I finished it.

How is it going with your list? You were doing really well on Friday, I am amazed, you are doing much better than me! Have you been able to keep repeating it, or has the cat affected your progress?

The cat situation would affect me too. It really sounds like the cat needs help, your mum should take her to the vet. It is not fair on you really. I would feel the same as you.

Let me know how you are getting on. When are you next seeing your psychologist? I am seeing mine today afternoon. I have lots to tell her. I am meant to start exposure work soon, and now I am getting really scared because OCD is my protection against people hurting me, and if I let it go, how will I protect myself? I hope she will have answers.

Torrent - thanks for asking about my story. Look at the post I wrote on 28 Sept. That kinda sums it up. If you want to know more please let me know.

Okay guys. It is 2am here, and I am going to try an wind down. Good night xxxx :D
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby impromptu » Mon Oct 20, 2014 2:13 am

lizinlondon wrote:Torrent - thanks for asking about my story. Look at the post I wrote on 28 Sept. That kinda sums it up. If you want to know more please let me know.
Okay guys. It is 2am here, and I am going to try an wind down. Good night xxxx


ok will do. thanks liz and good night xx
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby TwistedSpoon » Wed Oct 22, 2014 2:08 am

Liz,

How did the appointment with your therapist go? I think it's somewhat easier for me to do exposure, because the actual threats aren't around anymore. I'm not in actual danger, and whenever someone pulls emotional/manipulative/abusive/anything tricks on me or the people around me, most of the time I'm even the first one to take notice of it and act accordingly. It's easy for me to take distance, and even though I'm very open towards everyone, I am very harsh and don't let myself get emotionally attached to other people easily. Even when I do get attached, I think(/hope) it is another kind of attachment, a looser kind. But I digress. It's easier for me because the only people around me are my mother, sister and therapist(s), and they are all relatively safe. My father is locked away (for now - but we have also moved to a different city for physical distance), and I'm not forced into contact with the other oc-incorrect people either. The anxiety is in my head and value system, and while the triggers are from the outside world, I can change my response to them. Is there any way you can break contact with your father? I mean, he is not only oc-incorrect, but also abusive. I would personally regard him as a threat, regardless of situation. You could change your response to it, but in this case it would still be wise to protect yourself in realistic/effective ways.

I have been working further into the list. Downloading all kinds of things and working through bookmarks. I haven't asked (checked) my mother about the environmental factors that would have an 'effect' on the situation according to the ocd. I don't even care. I'm just ignoring everything and working through it.

It was a shock with the cat, but my mother called the vet on the following morning, and the day after she could show the cat for examination. He gave her some kind of medicine that the cat has to eat every morning and also a painkiller. My mother has also switched to a different brand of food en put a tiny amount of some kind of alternative medicine in the cat's drinking water. So far she hasn't had another accident since that time. Tomorrow my mother will have to call the vet again for assessment of the situation.

Sorry for the late reply by the way, but I was doing well at ignoring the cat situation and knew I had to say something about it if I were to post here again. It's actually not that bad writing about it now that I am doing it, but I wasn't feeling able to take the risk of falling back before.

I've actually stood right up after the accident that night and a good night's sleep. My ocd wanted me to reject a lot of things again, wanted to blow it out of proportion. But I believed (still believe) that I have made the progress on a good foundation. I had felt strong, the new kind of strong I was talking about. It didn't feel compulsion-correct, but that didn't matter, because I still felt good about it. I still appreciated the things I wanted to appreciate. I took a few small risks again the day after, then the day after that a few more. Climbing back up.

So I have slowly been getting better again. It wasn't as revolutionary as before but still:

- Downloading stuff
- Listening to all kinds of new music and not caring about my situation
- Reading a lot of articles and interviews on the web (and saving those too)
- Looking at art
- Recording a few melodies to my phone (it's a shame I don't have any instruments anymore; I only have my voice left)
- Designing a prototype logo for something (lol)
- Didn't feel inclined to asses anything in ocd-ways at all
- Wearing another new T-shirt
- Eating healthier (instead of only breakfast and dinner, there's lunch now too)

Ok maybe a little revolutionary.

It has me frustrated that I haven't amounted to anything in my life though. I read somewhere that mastering something takes about 11 years. I have only ever quit the things I liked, never allowed myself to grow. Even if I manage to get healthy enough to go to college, what would I do? I was hoping on a design school, but I haven't created anything consistently in the past years to show them that I can grow. Even now, I only make a few things here and there, but my interests are scattered between a lot of different things, and I have difficulty choosing a specialization. Maybe I could do everything, but then I would have to really set my mind on it, and produce things a lot more often than I'm doing now. It's just that I'm in such a basic process of building up my activities again, I'm impatient, but know I can't rush myself. Simple everyday activities feel like a victory to me. I'm far behind on actual life. I don't even have a social life anymore, nor anything like Facebook (though I do have Tumblr, but it doesn't have any people I know in real life). I want to do so many different things but I feel trapped within my own tempo. I guess I will have to accept that, and convert it to a healthy driving force.

So right now there are tons of things I want to do, but there are several practical things that have to be done first.

- Bicycle repair
- Hairdresser appointment
- EMP order (spending my well-earned points before they're gone aka buying a scarf for the upcoming weather)

I have been procrastinating all these things for way too long. The only thing I have to do is actually doing it. I don't know where the bike repair shop is in this city, but I should call up some shops and ask them about it (my bike has been broken for more than a month, maybe even two). Same goes for the hairdresser. EMP is less difficult because it's just placing a digital order, so I think I will do that first.

My next appointment with the psychiatrist is on the 30th, and the psychologist on the 31st. I've sorted out the trigger. I think she triggered a rebellious, angrily motivated side of me, because she treated me as if I were crazy, and as if she was taking pity in me, like looking down on someone. I hate that. My psychiatrist has never treated me like that. My mother is urging me to voice these concerns towards them if it keeps bothering me. Maybe I will.

Torrent, your mom does sound a lot like mine, haha. She says stuff like "it's not rational", very annoying indeed.

Woops, 4am. Quickly going to sleep now. Thanks you two and a late goodnight!
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby Wolf Mind » Wed Oct 22, 2014 7:06 am

TwistedSpoon wrote:

My OCD feels very weird too. It's like a maze or matrix I've made for myself, like an alternative reality I'm living in and having difficulty breaking free from. Reminds me of the choice Neo had in The Matrix (movie). Do I take the blue pill or the red pill? Do I stay in Wonderland or do I wake up?

To me it feels like I have to give up a dream right now. It's not even the OCD's 'fault' per se. My dream was living a life without the attacks (or spikes - not used to that word yet) and triggers, but with the feeling of safety, and also within my OCD rule set. But that's not possible. The world is full of triggers, and the fear just keeps expanding. Battling 'the enemy' is like looking into a mirror. It won't stop feeling dangerous until I stop being afraid, because the fear is coming from me.

It's the fear that's causing the struggle, but it feels like a harness, something that's supposed to protect me. In the end though, I can't move within this harness. I don't even fit into it properly and have to reject parts of myself. I'm not complete, and can't see the world completely. Plus, what's the point? This harness of fear has been designed to help me manage life, to help me survive. But does it really help me handle life? If I look at myself from a distance, I see someone who is afraid to try new things, afraid of loving anything, because that would mean she would have to 'protect' it. I see someone who has quit almost all the things and activities she likes. I see someone without fulfillment, due to constant criticism according to that single aspect; 'OC-correctness' (it's not a word but I don't know what to call it otherwise, it's life according to the OCD's rule set to me). I see someone without a place in society. I see a person that doesn't function. OCD doesn't help me manage life anymore.


I understand you. This is exactly how I feel. I've made of my obsessions-compulsions such a central part of my life, that I just can't let go of the system without feeling that I'm going to dilute myself. Now that I'm a having the worst OCD crisis in my life, I can see to what extent it controls my every move. OCD has been my "navigator" in life, and now that I'm trying for the first time to fight it, it feels like I am destroying myself in the process.
Sorry about my english, as it is not my first language.
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby lizinlondon » Wed Oct 22, 2014 7:27 pm

Twisted spoon, good to hear from you

I am so glad you are making progress. It sounds brilliant. In terms of what to do, do the digital purchase first if that is the easiest. Then build up to the next one. I recently had my first haircut in 6 months and it was great.

About my situation, I am living in the same house as my dad but I avoid him completely. He is very rude to my mum. I am going to move out as soon as I am well enough. The big problem is that when I move out I will have to move my stuff through areas of the house which are contaminated by my dad. So I really need to get over my OCD to get my stuff out. Until then I am trapped. But I try and stay positive and enjoy as much of every day as I can.

The appointment with my therapist went well. She told me it is true that I can't trust everyone but I need to start taking risks and I will have to learm that even if people hurt me I will be able to deal
with it.

If you like being creative, I would recomend you do a creative course. Design is good cos it covers so much from computers to photos. Try a short course, see if you like it, then do a longer one. That is how I discovered my passion for photography. You have your whole life ahead of you.

I think you need to tell your psychologist how she made you feel. It is important to be honest. That is how you will get to know each other. I wonder what her reaction will be? That is what my psychiatrist did a few weeks ago, she made me feel like I was a reckless person but I am the complete opposite. I was upset and told her I did not want to see her. My psychologist talked me round. It turned out that my psychiatrist had mis-judged me and she needed more time to get to know me better.

Wolf Mind - where do you come from? How does your OCD work?

Liz x
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Re: Emotional Contamination and Stuff

Postby TwistedSpoon » Thu Oct 23, 2014 2:18 am

Hello Wolf Mind,

I understand what you mean. The OCD is part of the very foundation we have built ourselves upon. Changing the foundation ultimately means that everything is going to be affected. But our old foundation is unstable, limited, restricted. Even the small amount of life that we have (had) left on this foundation could fall apart any minute, and with all the restrictions our growth has been affected too. Look at nature or plants for example. If you put a plant in a jar, it's never going to extend its leaves and flowers to its full potential. As it tries to grows bigger, eventually it will be shaped by the jar, being confined by it. Change doesn't have to be bad. Its implications are unknown (for now). You never know how you're going to grow if you put away or break the jar, unless you try it. Ultimately, working towards change is going to remain a leap of faith. But it is our only way towards freedom, and it's a leap of faith I am personally willing to take.

Hang in there Wold Mind, and keep fighting at your own pace.

--

Hey Liz,

I admire your attitude towards life in the face of these hardships. I imagine being freed of the OCD is of special significance in your case. It is your ticket towards actual realistic safety. I think your therapist has given good advice. My mother also reminds me that if something happens, anything, I will manage and work my way through it. It doesn't feel like that when I think in OCD-terms, but now that I am less confined by that I can see what she means. So far several things have happened. But through all the drawbacks, I just work in an active and realistic way with my environment to solve the problem, while continuing life to the best of my capabilities. Even when I fall, I get right back up and work with it. I believe in your capabilities of working towards solving the practical problems you encounter too. You can trust yourself :)

I will try to tell my psychologist then. The next appointments are in the following week already, time is going by faster than I thought it would. Today I have made a lot of preparations. I've made an appointment with the bicycle repair shop for upcoming Friday, and sorted out my bookmarks so I know what to buy from the online store-thing.

There has been a strange but positive snowball-effect in my life and activities recently. It started when I had the idea for a story. I thought the best subject for a story was something I liked but was a controversial subject according to the OCD. I chose music. I love listening to music and have grown up with a lot of different influences. But ever since the OCD it has become a pressured subject. I still loved listening to music all the time, but thinking about it was difficult. So I thought it would be good exposure. One thing lead to the next and before I knew it I was watching recordings of entire live concerts on YouTube. Listening to bands I hadn't listened to in ages. I feel able to talk about and listen to bands that had a lot of pressure on them before. I'm also reading Wikipedia articles about all those bands. It really feels like becoming more of a whole/complete person again, accepting the past and even enjoying the music I listened to back then. It feels familiar, but I can smile about it and make new memories. I have also become interested in actual CDs. I'm curious about where this will lead to.

Take care!
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