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HOCD but not all sexual

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HOCD but not all sexual

Postby betterdays1989 » Fri Sep 12, 2014 5:46 pm

Hi all! I'm new to this forum board however a long time OCD sufferer (8 years) officially diagnosed on June of this year!

Currently, I'm suffering from SO-OCD or HOCD :( and it's a nightmare.

I've relapsed on this theme of OCD on June of this year and for the past few months, I believe the intensity of the thoughts are getting unbearable. Sometimes, the thoughts seem very real and it scares me.

Again what scares me is the content of my thoughts; most HOCD sufferers panic about sexual thoughts, I have but to an extent, a better grasp on how to deal with these thoughts as I know it's something I will never commit or act on. For me about HOCD, what scares me is the concept of partnership or relationships. I'm scared of this aspect of the HOCD because it's very abstract in my mind, like it could happen but I know I don't want to date guys or have them as a lifetime partner. Again, the content of my thought has the realness quality to it that drives me insane and frustrated. Sometimes, I can't even get out of bed or get out of my home because of these thoughts.

All my life and as far back as I can remember, all I ever wanted was to be with a girl. I've always yearned to have a girlfriend to love and care for. I was always in love with many different girls, I desired to be with them. I don't want to loose my attraction for women! I want to spend my lifetime caring for a girl, eventually marrying her and having kids.

This OCD drives me insane with all these false repetetive thoughts and I guess I could use some advice and reassurance.

The reassurance is, is this common in HOCD? I mean, most of the stories I've read are mostly sexual. I'm frightened. Please help! thanks!
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby impromptu » Sat Sep 13, 2014 3:16 am

betterdays1989 wrote:Hi all! I'm new to this forum board however a long time OCD sufferer (8 years) officially diagnosed on June of this year!


Hi betterdays. welcome to the forum. like you, i've suffered with this disorder since i was a kid. and i've just been diagnosed on june this year. i'm sorry you're suffering.

betterdays1989 wrote:all I ever wanted was to be with a girl. I've always yearned to have a girlfriend to love and care for. I was always in love with many different girls, I desired to be with them. I don't want to loose my attraction for women! I want to spend my lifetime caring for a girl, eventually marrying her and having kids.


i guess its going to happen someday! :)

betterdays1989 wrote:The reassurance is, is this common in HOCD? I mean, most of the stories I've read are mostly sexual. I'm frightened.


yes it is.

beat your anxiety is a constant battle. but it will get easier. if you don't give up also if you keep on working. please get a hold of your doctor if you feel it's unbearable. hope things will improve soon.
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby betterdays1989 » Sun Sep 14, 2014 6:26 am

Hey Torrent!

Thanks so much for your reply! For the past week, I've been doing good! The intrusive thoughts still linger in my mind and still jolt me however, they're not as powerful and I can seem to scrape it off.

I've already seen my doctor this week and he just gave me more meds! -_-

I hope you're doing well with your journey too! :)

-- Sat Sep 13, 2014 10:27 pm --

Hey Torrent!

Thanks so much for your reply! For the past week, I've been doing good! The intrusive thoughts still linger in my mind and still jolt me however, they're not as powerful and I can seem to scrape it off.

I've already seen my doctor this week and he just gave me more meds! -_-

I hope you're doing well with your journey too! :)
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby SpacingOut » Sun Sep 14, 2014 6:37 am

So your fears are mostly related to partnership, and not so much sex? So it might actually be intimacy, rather than sex, that you're afraid of? Since you haven't mention previous relationships with women and even though you know it's something you desire, you haven't been able to act on it because of your obsessive thoughts?

I can definitely relate if this is the case. It might be difficult to get your doctor to truly understand what you're going through - I STILL struggle with this because these are thoughts, it's not something they can see, like behavior. So stressful, but there's definitely a way out, and I'm finding it.

Good luck!
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby betterdays1989 » Sun Sep 14, 2014 6:49 am

SpacingOut wrote:So your fears are mostly related to partnership, and not so much sex? So it might actually be intimacy, rather than sex, that you're afraid of? Since you haven't mention previous relationships with women and even though you know it's something you desire, you haven't been able to act on it because of your obsessive thoughts?


Well yes. My HOCD is mostly on partnership. It scares me because partnership and romance in the field of HOCD is in my opinion more abstract than sex. For me, sex with the same sex is something I will never do nor desire nor have lust about. I can't even look at gay pornography without barfing! I've had at least three major relationships. The first two weren't special but the third one was. I still love her. I treasure her and value her immensely. Sorry to go of track, but she is one of my beacons and escapes from this OCD nightmare! :D

As for the doctor thing? I felt embarrassed telling him what was going on but I knew I had too in order to get better. I don't know a psychiatrist to go to and need one, one that specializes in CBT/ERP.

Anyway, how are you doing? You say you can relate? are you okay?
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby impromptu » Sun Sep 14, 2014 7:42 am

thank you betterdays.

i am glad to hear the decrease in anxiety/intrusive thought. hmm. maybe your doctor is trying to figuring out the right meds for you. meds can help. but its not a cure-all. combination of self help + therapy and meds will treat the underlying cause of the disorder. my meds didnt help me ( i am not taking meds at the present time ) but i know it's because i havent met the right meds. i think meds can really help if you find the right combination.

keep us posted on your progress. good luck
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby betterdays1989 » Sun Sep 14, 2014 5:36 pm

Hey Torrent,

I think he's at that point right now. I'm at 20 mg of Celexa. He's contemplating if it should be moved up to 30 mg. He gave me a prescription, but it's still at 20 mg. I mean in a way, it's sort of working. Like what many psychiatrists write on their blogs it only takes 20 - 60% of the symptoms and anxiety OCD causes but the thoughts are still there.

I don't have the funds for a psychiatrist or therapist at the moment however I'm doing all I can with self-help books. Particularly Jon Hershfield and Tom Corboy's Mindfulness workbook and other OCD books. I agree that meds will work well with a combination of therapy and distractions from the OCD.

As for progress? As I said, mostly good from the past week... I tend to feel empty sometimes. It's this emptiness that the OCD likes to attack with suggestions of "you're gay and you're a fraud." It doesn't scare me as much but of course I do get distressed a little. How I handle is just agreeing with it and flood it with a bigger spike exposure. It seems to work.
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby impromptu » Mon Sep 15, 2014 10:01 am

hi betterdays. thanks for the update

i wanted to say well done for deciding to look in. keep going. and you also can read the in the sticky thread (in OCD forum) especially the 'Pure O? HOCD? read me'. that might be of help to you.

betterdays1989 wrote:As for progress? As I said, mostly good from the past week... I tend to feel empty sometimes. It's this emptiness that the OCD likes to attack with suggestions of "you're gay and you're a fraud." It doesn't scare me as much but of course I do get distressed a little. How I handle is just agreeing with it and flood it with a bigger spike exposure. It seems to work.


yes i feel the same way everytime i try to distract myself, or just accept the bad thoughts, etc. i'm glad it seems to work for you. it takes a process and anxiety is the root cause of OCD. so it's a normal thing if you still feel the anxiety even if you don't have OCD. i think you're doing a good job betterdays. so keep at it.
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby betterdays1989 » Tue Sep 16, 2014 3:46 am

Torrent wrote:yes i feel the same way everytime i try to distract myself, or just accept the bad thoughts, etc. i'm glad it seems to work for you. it takes a process and anxiety is the root cause of OCD. so it's a normal thing if you still feel the anxiety even if you don't have OCD. i think you're doing a good job betterdays. so keep at it.


Haha! Thanks so much Torrent! Well, there are times when these techniques don't work even the flooding technique. When it comes to that, I just try so hard to distract myself from these intrusive thoughts and what not! XD

I hope you're doing well too with your OCD! BTW, I know that post! Was it by Wince? Yeah, its pretty straight forward and accurate as well! I like his breakdown of OCD as I can totally relate with what the mind is actually doing!
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Re: HOCD but not all sexual

Postby impromptu » Tue Sep 16, 2014 4:33 am

betterdays1989 wrote: hope you're doing well too with your OCD!

thank you. i'm on my way to healing process (I HOPE) :D

yes betterdays it was by Wince. distract yourself is also part of techniques overcoming OCD. as far as i understand, it's the 3rd step of Brain Lock by Dr Jeffrey Schwartz.

http://www.ocduk.org/refocus

i'm sorry i cant be of much help. i hope my responses help you a little bit. good luck on your journey betterdays
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