I imagine myself in gay and straight relationships and will force myself to do so until I feel the "right" way. I do a lot of checking into my past to see if there are any signs that would point to me being gay. I also worry about whether other people think I'm gay and because of that have started to try to act/dress more girly. For example, and this may be TMI, but I've never really had big boobs and I worry all the time whether people think I bind them or not. I have also become WAY more introverted.
I hate going out places now in fear that I'll see some really attractive girl and like her, I even rarely ever hug my friends anymore because it makes me uncomfortable. A couple weeks ago one of them told me she loved me in a friendship/sisterly kind way after I helped her out of tough situation and after that I got extremely anxious. I also get groinal responses now which make things 10 times more horrible. They've gotten so bad that now it's starting to get difficult to tell whether or not it's my brain playing tricks on me or genuine arousal. I also second guess myself quite a bit. I one time took a gay/straight/bi test on facebook and got straight but afterwards I wondered if my answers were really how I felt or just what I put down to get the straight answer.
On the romantic/sexual side of things I've never really had a boyfriend and I haven't even been kissed yet. It's not that I don't want to, It's just I'm naturally pretty shy and never have the confidence to talk to any of my crushes and I worry that when I do get a boyfriend or have my first kiss I won't feel anything and then that'll prove that I'm a lesbian. I also seem to be attracted to older men, like if there were an attractive 25 year old and an attractive 16 year old (which is how old I am) I would most likely go for the 25 year old. Writing this makes me realize how out of place my reaction to the whole thing really was. I had never worried or even thought about being a lesbian up until that point and quite frankly I really wish I could go back.
I don't have a problem with gay people, in fact I love gay people and am all for gay rights, it's just that I don't want to be gay because I feel like if I am I'll never be truly happy. Anyway thank you for reading this!!! I've never talked to anyone about this problem before in fear that they'll jump to conclusions so any advice you can give me will be extremely helpful.
Thanks again,
snowbud
P.S.
It's also worth mentioning that I have had obsessive tendencies in the past. For example when I was little (and sometimes even now) I was constantly worried about illness. I would get extremely scared that I had some disease and was going to die. I one time thought I had West Nile and had to research it to make sure I didn't have any of the symptoms, and get reassurance from my parents who ultimately took me to the doctor's just to get me to calm down. I play with my eyelashes when I get nervous and when I try not to do it feel even more anxious. I'm also a perfectionist, I don't know if that has anything to do with OCD but I've always had to have things just right.
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