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Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First post..

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Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First post..

Postby helplessandscared123 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 3:56 pm

This is my first post and I'm only just coming to terms with what is going on so I just need to let everything out. I doubt people will read this due to the length but any of you who do you'd be helping me greatly.

I'm losing my mind here. After recent research I've found I might have OCD. I've always thought more thoroughly than others and over reacted to thoughts, and now this whole thing is becoming unbearable. The first severe case I can think of is after being with my boyfriend of almost two years for about 4 months I got drunk and flirty with a guy at a party. We seemed to get over this pretty fast but after a couple of months my life became hell- I was full of guilt and all day everyday I would try and think back if anything more happened, detailing every little thing to my boyfriend. Looking back now all I can do is laugh at the false memories I had- I seriously convinced myself that I had passionately kissed this guy and even considered the possibility that he could have touched me sexually which is pure nonsense. For months I confesse dthing that hadn't even happened and pictured the guy when I kisse dmy boyfreind because I was full of obsessive guilt.

Shortly after this began my next obsession about being homosexual. As a younger teenager (I'm now 17) I found porn on the internet and because I didn't know any better around the age of 12 it was usually the women I focused on (maybe due to their sexualisation in the media). Up until a while ago I'd even watch lesbian porn, but I now realise this was due to my strong desire for oral sex and I'd usually picture a man doing it anyway- oral sex is a big theme in lesbian porn which is why when I searched for it that's what I mostly found.These memories came back to haunt me, and I questioned my sexuality for months, crying a lot and seeking advice from my boyfriend which upset him quite a lot. Then began the checking, every time I saw a woman on tv with even a tiny low cut top I'd check for arousal. It was non stop and drove me insane. I'm a taylor swift fan and a classmate said 'she reminds me of taylor swift in the you belong with me video' about some girl in my class and I seriously started questioning whether that would mean I like her due to her looking like her. So everytime I saw her I'd panic- I would get the 'butterfly' feeling in my stomach but it was more in fear and groinal responses would take place if I saw a photo of her on a social networking site even though I sat there thinking 'I'm not attracted to her what the hell'. The lesbian fear seemed to cause dreams in which I'd become aroused- lesbian sex dreams which I felt disgusted by when I woke up because they often included people I knew. Eventually I let the obsession go, I just accepted that I could be bisexual and realised it might not be so bad- I now realise how deeply I was thinking because I'm solely attracted to men and mine and my boyfriend's sex life was great.

At the same time of this I briefly worried about being a pedophile- I regularly babysit for my aunty and up until then had never even thought of a child in that way. I don't know if any of you have seen the hangover but there's a scene where Alan makes a joke of a baby masturbating. Thinking about the film this came up and I started having thoughts like 'is it biologically possible for a baby to get aroused and show signs of it such as a boner or ejaculation? If I touched my little cousin while changing his nappy would he even know what was going on? What would even happen? If not what do pedophiles even possibly gain what's the point in touching a child it's sick. The sad part is that if I did do that to my little cousin nobody would ever find out because he can't even talk to tell anyone. If I did it, nobody would ever know I bet it happens all the time.' Shortly after that came the 'why did I even think about that?' And I felt so bad all night. I quickly seemed to brush this off because I just thought 'I'm so ridiculous even considering the possibility I am a pedo.' But little bits at a time this seemed to overlap with my lesbian fear- my constant checking seemed to distort my judgement making me look at anything no matter what age. When my male cousin got into bed in his boxers I'd look thinking 'why aren't I getting turned on by a boy' then thinking 'oh yeah because he's my young cousin I'm so stupid.' Literally any age any gender would involve checking no matter what the situation because of my homosexual fear.

Because I love my boyfriend so much I had an obsession with telling him every detail of my past. So then came my next obsession of 'beastality'. I remembered masturbating at 12/13 and my rabbit was on my bed. Being a curious child and not knowing what I was doing, the rabbit used to lick you. So I tried a few times on the one occassion to put it near my privates to see how it would feel. Thankfully, it never did and I couldn't be more glad. But I decided to tell my boyfriend then more false memories came of my rubbing against it, letting it lick my nipples and rubbing against my dog- now I know none of this happened. Because of this I continued googling to find people to relate to. I found a site with beastality stories and tried to reassure myself that I wasn't turned on by them and one included a pedophilia one. The child had oral sex performed on her by her brother and dad. When reading the language in it such as 'bit my clit' and 'ravaged my wet pussy' etc- whoever wrote the story wrote it in a positive and explanatory way. I became aroused. I know it's because of this sexual language because when thinking of it in the context of pedophilia I was disgusted and not aroused, but this caused pedophilia anxiety once again.Intrusive thoughts of children would pop into my head- particularly my cousins when babysitting them. Repulsive thoughts that I don't even want to write, along with the 'checking' when they got changed for bed and when I changed his nappy. This is my latest obsession that has now stuck for a while. I just feel so guilty and groinal response is the most terrifying thing when watching a tv show with a child in or something- how do we know it's not real? It's just so upsetting for me.

Last night at a new years eve party I drank quite a bit and just broke down crying for a few hours. This came after (sorry for tmi) me and my boyfriend had sex in the bathroom. I got the image of my female cousin stood naked. Now this is where it gets scary because I don't remember exactly what I thought but it was somethign along the lines of 'oh just let it happen I can blame it on being drunk'. And now I'm confused as to whether I felt I wanted to let a sexual fantasy happen or just let the images be tehre because I was sick of trying to make them go. After this is when I broke down. I don't know whether I wanted to try orgasm over this image- perhaps to see if I even could? To let myself think it and see if it was real arousal? Maybe I am a pedophile and I was just going to let myself be aroused by the image, I was aroused so just wanted to fantasise and reach orgasm through it? I just can't remember because I was so drunk but I'm so disturbed that I might have wanted to keep that image there but obviously it disturbed me if I completely broke down. Or perhaps it was a type of thought I've had before. For example if I try refrain from thinking a starnge thing to say/think say I think 'don't think something violent about that women' then my brain can come up with 'I'm going to get her scarf froma round her neck and strangle her' I know it's me coming up with these thoughts because I'm simply trying not to so I do but this also creating a scary obsession that I might have schizophrenia even though I'm consciously devising these thoughts. I've also done it when my cousin was misbehaving- I thought 'don't think like a pedo' then the thought 'it's ok I'll punish him later' in like a sexual way came into my head. But after these thoughts I almost laugh and just think 'it's funny because i'll never do that. ever.' When we got home we proceeded to have sex again. On this occassion I decided I was going to force intrusive thoughts of that one image of my cousin naked and see if it increased arousal or decreased it. Though on a couple of occassions I feared it increased it overall it seemed to turn me off at one point leaving a look of disgust on my face. But NOW I feel guilty that I could even carry on enagaging in a sexual act and allowing these thoughts without stopping- is that bad? I simply wanted to show myself that I wasn't truly aroused by such a thing and that it wouldn't make me climax. I wanted to be certain once and for all- I've had the bad intrusive thoughts pop up without me wanting them there in sex before but this time I forced them to try and prove to myself that it wouldn't arouse me further and make me orgasm. I just feel so bad. I feel sick and hopeless.

This past week has been living hell. I've even been trying to think 'have I ever touched a child and just dont remember? have i molested a child? even when I was little?' I can easily make up situations and convince myself I have when I know full well I haven't. More things that have brought about issues is I remember thinking 'is child porn openly available on the internet like normal porn I don't understand?' a while back and without the intention of looking at any I googled child porn in order to just see if any like websites came up and if it was openly on the internet cos the idea disgusted me and I was curious as to whether it was due to hearing about child porn- now I worry that maybe I wanted to watch it? maybe another false memory but I know if i would've wanted to watch it it'd have been to see how horrifying it was and definitely not for my own arousal. Also more anxiety that I think (false memory again perhaps) I remember watching porn with a girl who looked quite young. At the time of watching it I'd have been young but I seem to recall if it's real thinking she looked younger than 18. This aroused anxiety that I've accidnetally watched child porn and I tried to research porn ages and see if there were incidents in the news where they used younger people. Then a result 'all ages porn' came up. Before clicking I remember thinking 'please remember after clicking you didn't want to look at the porn you simply wanted to see if tehre were categories such as child or young teen, you wasn't going to watch any'. luckily it was older ages not young and there weren't any young categories but of course despite that thought before clicking I started questioning why I clicke dit and convinced myself its cos im a pedo. Another incident is I remember thinking 'if I get aroused when my nipples are played with and other women do why doesn't arousal happen in breastfeeding? I bet if it did the parent would feel so guilty but if it's sort of the same I bet there are cases when it's happened?' I think I googled 'breastfeeding arousal out of curiousity as to whether it does happen for people because I was simply curious- the idea didn't arouse me I just found it weird and baffling. I didn't find any info. But this has worried me too because I question why I even thought that? I initially felt better after discovering the possibility of ocd but it seems to have brought even more obsessions-
Incest- false memories that I used to want my dad so see me get changed (what even?), I remember hearing my mum and dad have sex and have the false (?) memory that I masturbated at the same time which I don't think is true (if it is, I will have masturbated after or just blocked them out but I remember being repulsed by the thought), more false memories that I used to fancy my older male cousins. I also remember I used to read erotic literature- again due to oral sex fantasy I used to search for that term. One story I masturbated to was a father daughter one but similiarly to the pedo story it was the descriptions that aroused me (I tried to block out anything father-daughter related and it made me cringe, I also felt weird after that I had got aroused and masturbated to it), also the false memory that I may have watched a mother-daughter porn? I don't think I did but even so I would have had the knowledge that they were acting and not actually related. The most disturbing thing that got me worrying is a few days ago I had a dream that my own grandfather was licking my nipples- I was aroused in the dream but I also seemed a bit scared and all my family were sat in the room like it was normal. I woke up feeling sick and disgusted because dreams just make it seem more real and I didn't undertsand what it even meant. After reading about other people's incest worries in ocd mine seemed to start but these seem to pass quickly despite a few of the old groinal responses.
Violence- I remember once thinking 'I wonder if anyone has ever enjoyed rape and it's really confused the rapist? like they just let it happen? I wonder if you still experience arousal in rape or you're too scared to' which now worries me thinking I don't think rape is so bad when in actual fact I do and the idea terrifies me. Back to more porn (again) I seem to recall watching a porno where the woman was making loud crying noises. I remember muting it and thinking well if it was like rape she wouldn't be on top of him naked and it'd be obvious. But now I'm scared she was doing it because she was forced even though I just focused on the sex not her noise or face and it obviously disturbed me if I muted it. Now again, I watched ripper street (about jack the ripper a tv series on BBC) and it showe dthe woman's 'dead' (actress) naked body and I guess the whole lesbian scare thing came back when I saw she was naked and a groinal response started but when I told myself 'she's dead you idiot' it just went really fast. In the same show, a man was choking a woman killing her during sex. I was 'checking' and groinal response happened (I think the fact the whole dead body thing caused anxiety) because I was scared 'what if I got aroused by voilence and wanted to harm someone?'. And me and my friend are interested in crime- I used to watch murder documantaries and find it interesting, often looking up images of the murderers to scare myself and sometimes even the dead bodies also to scare myself (like a horror movie effect, I also seem to recall being scared of getting aroused by naked dead bodies then but that was the whole lesbian phase again). But this scares me and although again I know it was out of interest and curiosity and to scare myself I keep questioning why I looked this up? I mean I just know it's only cos that stuff used to interest me. I remember watching a documentary on the moors murders and they talked about a voice recording played in court of the murder of one of the girls- I tried to find it and failed but the fact I tried to find it scares me also even though again I wasjust interested to hear it because I felt so bad for the poor victims. Also it's like after knowing a lot of murderers become aroused when they act out violently when I ehar of rape and pedophilia and violence I 'check' for arousal as usual. Just so you all know I'm the softest person to walk this earth and couldn't kill a fly if I tried. The thought 'have I ever killed or harmed someone without knowing?' even popped into my head at one stage which is so ridiculous. Also 2 years ago a girl threatened me I wont go into detail btu basically a recent obsession was me reading over the facebook mails and getting terrified that she'd find me one day when I didn't expect it, even kill me or get my family/friends/boyfriend. Also my aunty's puppy just bites and at times i get so mad i think 'omg i could kill it' then I go into a panic 'could I actually kill it????'
Dreams- Thought I'd mention as well as the other dreams stated I remember someone posting a homemade porn video on facebook, they were 16 and comment said 'this is child porn'. That night I had a dream that my 9 year old male cousin put a video on facebook. My friends came up to me saying 'look your cousin has heard about sex stuff and cos he's young and doesn't know what it means he's tried to force your other cousin (girl, 7) to do stuff and filmed it. In my dream I didn't see the video in detail and I didn't get aroused either. I saw it for about a second and in my dream I was deeply upset and didn't know what to do about telling my aunty. In another dream, someone came up to me saying people were mad because they heard I molested my cousins. In the dream I was crying and upset and kept repeatedly asking my cousins in a panic 'did I touch you?' to which they answered no everytime. In ANOTHER I was sat in the back of my car masturbating with a blanket over my lap so nobody could see. My brother and youngest cousin were in the car, I turned to see my little cousin who looked at me and smiled then I immediately stopped masturbating in my dream and felt bad. I can't rmemeber what I was fantasising about while masturbating in my dream and that scares me. And in the latest one I had a weird flashback in my dream to a thought where my friend's mum wa splaying dares with the kids and she touched her son, but it was weird cos the flashback was really fast and in my brain in the dream I said 'she got off to touching her son's tight pussy ewwww' and in the dream I was 'checking' for arousal but I actually almost gipped in the dream. I don't know if dreams even mean anything all I know is they're upsetting and it's horrible to be scared to sleep as well as be awake. And every day when I wake up I'm paranoid that something disturbing happened in the dream.

Badically I'm sorry for the huge post but I needed to let all this out. Don't be surprised if I comment with more worries this is how deeply I think. I'm just terrified by my thoughts, am I a pedophile? am I capable of such horrible things? All I know is even if I was attracted to children there's no way in hell I'd touch them!!! (I felt guilty because the first time i changed my cousins nappy i didnt know whether i should wipe his penis with the babywipe so all the urine germs go and I did then I was like 'I hope I'm meant to', also trying to stroke their puppy I wasn't looking and I accidnetally stroked my cousins bum and I felt disgusting and so guilty.) Everytime I babysit is a nightmare, I'm scared to kiss and hug my cousins but then I'm scared not to. I'm scared to look at my cousin's penis when changing his nappy which you sorta just do when it's in your face but I'm scared not to cos that means if I don't look I'm scared of arousal if I do (if that makes sense?). I mean the other day I put my cousin in bed and i put my head on the pillow (idk why just did) then I was like huh why did I do that, that's werid did I want something to happen. (which is obsurd). I think back to memories with choidlren such as my primary school work experience where I found some of the kids adorable and kept pictures they drew me and visiting my mum's friends baby when I was little and I remember the image of her naked (I think I was shocked at a young age that she was openly changing her baby in front of everyone) and think these memories must stick cos I did something. Even thinking of my friends who have younger siblings and fearing I've done something bad and forgotten.

My thoughts are truly torturing me. Only my boyfriend (he ust have noticed before anyway due to me telling him even if some randomer groped me like I'd done something wrong and feeling too much guilt) and his friend (also suffers ocd but contamination) know a lot about this. I'm scared to tell my family cos they'll think I'm evil and they might not understand. I tried telling my friends when drunk and upset but they just said 'I clean a lot too'. I don't want to see a doctor cos I can't without telling my parents and I don't want medication incase I become dependant on it, I want to recover this myself but I'm also fearing it will never go and be with me all my life. I want children and I'm sick of this nonsense. Do I have OCD or am I evil? A pedophile? Sometimes I feel like I'd be better off dead even though I'd never kill myself (yet another obsession i briefly feared)

If I have OCD I don't understand why. Many have been abused and I don't recall any abuse- my upbringing was perfect. (I've even obsessed and felt guilt of even trying to think if I suffered any abuse in my childhood).

The other thing getting to me is the whole confession/reassurance thing. I've opened up to my boyfriend about a lot but not in detail and he's very understanding. When he saw how upset I was he wanted me to tell him but now he says whatever will make me happy. Perhaps I should send him this post?
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby afraidofdiseases » Tue Jan 01, 2013 6:39 pm

Yes, you should send him this post.

Seems like you're suffering from fairly rough OCD here. The doubting, false memories, intrusive unwanted thoughts, guilt and massive need for checking/reassurance are all parts of the OCD symptoms.

You're getting all your symptoms because you are doubting. And yes, the brain can come up with the weirdest things to question, I read a book about OCD, and one guy actually convinced himself that he had razors on his fingertips. Again and again he had to check and make sure he didn't, only to start doubting again two seconds later. By the way, a psychotic person would imagine he actually had razors on his fingertips when checking. So it is a distinct difference between OCD and psychosis.

It seems like your OCD is focusing mainly on sexual issues, but do you see a pattern in the way you think? Am I? No, I'm not. Am I sure? Yes. Or am I? etc... (or replace am I with did I or do I). You also have slight elements of self-harm OCD it seems. Which is fairly normal, I think everyone with OCD sooner or later get into that crap, often when you are sick and tired of your anxiety, your brain comes up with a horrible suggestion, which most people just ignore. We, on the other hand, bring it up, again and again, out of fear. Example: I'm so tired of being anxious.. maybe I'm better off dead? No! I don't wanna die! I would never kill myself! But I could just.. No! etc.

Which is, by the way, the root of most OCD thoughts. OCD thoughts don't occur from nowhere. It's often a trigger and a very exaggerated response. Say, a mother with a new born child is sitting up night after night with her baby crying. At some point, a thought can come up, "why can't he ever be quiet, I need sleep! I could just take this knife and..." followed by "oh sh**, how did I just think that? I could never! Or could I? What kind of mother am I?" etc.. Same goes for gay OCD. Questioning a relationship a little, or similar, and five minutes later you see yourself being gay, which you don't want to be at all.

You see my point? OCD is all about doubt and fear. You should consider talking to someone about your OCD, as it seems fairly strong. Help is available, you just need to ask for it.

Hope this helps. Feel better :)
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby helplessandscared123 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 6:51 pm

Thank you so much. This made me feel a lot better. Even writing the post evoked fear in me. I put the same post on a forum on another site and it got reported and removed for being too graphic, on another labelled as 'triggering'. This has made me feel worse but after reading your reply I feel normal. It's handy to know someone wants to help and isn't quick to judge. Just to check, are you pretty certain this is all about ocd rather than pedophilia and other violent tendencies?
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby afraidofdiseases » Tue Jan 01, 2013 6:57 pm

Let's say it like this: When I'm having a kid, I would welcome you to babysit him or her :)

I don't think you are violent or on the verge of self-harming. Remember, OCD can be very explicit, after all we are facing our worst fears. You can't "outlogic" OCD, because your brain has a purpose with the thoughts, to "protect" you against a fear you've developed. The only way to get rid of the thoughts is to get rid of your fear (in other words, to not engage your thoughts, reason with them, fear you will act on them, etc). If you fear you will act on the thoughts, the brain finds it necessary to keep them in your attention.
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby Wince » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:09 pm

Sorry for such a short reply, but I'm just on my way out the door. However, I'd like to link you to a thread I've made about OCD that I think you'll find very useful:

obsessive-compulsive/topic103176.html

If you have any instant messengers and you need someone to talk to about OCD, send me a PM.
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby helplessandscared123 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:27 pm

Thank you for the replies, you have no idea how much they help me. I'm going to beat this. I simply won't let it carry on. The link was very helpful thank you so much.
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby afraidofdiseases » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:32 pm

Good to hear :)

The problem with OCD is that we believe thoughts are dangerous. In my case I've read hundreds of posts and pages saying "if you have suicidal thoughts, call 911 immediately" and so on.

They scare the daylight out of me.

What they should have said: "If you want to kill yourself, call 911 immediately." Everyone can have thoughts about almost anything. If someone told you to think about stabbing one of your friends, you would be able to think about that (and have "homicidal ideation"), but still your friend wouldn't be in danger.

Feel free to PM me too if you have questions :)
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby helplessandscared123 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:37 pm

Never read anything more true. Something that's helping me come to terms with this is the fact that thoughts are thoughts- I don't have to act out on my thoughts and thinking something doesn't mean I will eventually do it which is reassuring. I just feel terrified at the moment, as I've only just acknowledged that this is OCD. Initially I felt better but now I have the 'but is it OCD?' worry. I was just wondering also if anyone has 'come out' about the problem to family and friends? I'd really like to explain, in enough detail that they know it's a significant problem but in little enough detail that they don't have to know my exact thoughts (as that would be hard for them to understand). Telling my boyfriend provided so much relief and even helped our relationship because I feel like he loves me for exactly who I am. I just want to open up to everyone because keeping these things to myself is eating me up.
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby afraidofdiseases » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:50 pm

It's important to talk about your thoughts, but you must be careful so you don't expect your boyfriend, parents, friends, etc. to be your psychologists. Doing so will be difficult for them - and they may react with frustration. The problem with OCD (and anxiety in general) is that it really sounds ludicrous to everyone else than people suffering from OCD, who can relate.

For example: My friends tell me (earlier, I suffered fear of having a heart disease), this must be the easiest anxiety to handle, just avoid killing yourself! Well, yeah, I don't want to kill myself, so that's not the problem. The problem is to understand that I won't kill myself (or actually, to not worry about my thoughts) and stop the endless reassuring myself that I never will kill myself.

You may also end up with just getting reassurance, which will not help you in the long run. If we are getting reassurance, the brain is interpreting it as it's something we need to fear.

Another problem with this "pure-O" form of OCD is that there's not a clear chain between obsessions and compulsions. If someone are afraid of dirt, they can practice five, ten, twenty minutes and so on without washing. Finally you may put your hands in the toilet without freaking out. When the compulsions are mental rituals, it's a bit harder.
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Re: Is this OCD? Losing hope.. Intrusive thoughts? First pos

Postby helplessandscared123 » Tue Jan 01, 2013 7:59 pm

Good point. From that then, I might just sit down with my parents and tell them I'm suffering ocd intrusive thoughts, maybe print off some info to help them understand. From there I'll tell them that I don't want to detail my thoughts because it will be hard for them to understand and harder for me to keep other obsessive thoughts to myself in the long run, but that I need help. I just don't know where to start. I feel like I can't physically talk to them about this even if i tried. With my boyfriend I made sure it was over message, I found it easier that way. Perhaps i'll wait a while longer- I have 5 important exams this month and the pressure of opening up might add to my stress?
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