....here I am!
I am known to have ADHD, with all of the joys that it brings to one's life. However, there are some parts of me that I can't quite explain away with ADHD that might fit here, particularly regarding control, but the truth is that I may be one of those people with a lot of disorders. I know that I suffer with a lot of anxiety in general, but additionally social anxiety to the point where I guess that Avoidant Personality Disorder could be close to describing me, though perhaps a little more extreme. I do avoid social situations when possible, and have a lot of anxiety about going to new places and such.
In the end, I'm quite the conundrum. Very intelligent and articulate with the ability to really schmooze if I HAVE to, but I would rather isolate myself. I'm very disorganized and messy with my ADHD symptoms shining forth, yet I'm very much a controlling person in other ways. Those are largely ways that I *think* I may identify within this group to some extent, and am hoping for some feedback.
So, without further adieu, I'll shed some more light on me that might help others see wherein here I might "belong" and find help, if not here on this sub-forum. Here you go:
*I know that I battle perfectionism, and always have since being a kid. Only within the past few years did I learn what a detriment it is, rather than an asset.
*I'm very rule and expectation oriented. I hate driving around the other "idiots" on the road that are texting and talking and swerving into my lane. I hate the people that have to sit right next to me at a restaurant when the whole place is empty but them and myself. I hate stupid people that act with no regard to anyone else, i.e. selfish people. I largely see the world around me as a bunch of idiots that I can't stand. Obviously I don't think that I know everything, or I wouldn't be here reaching out, but it is part of who I am, even though it hurts me greatly in life.
*I like to work. When I work I know what I have to do and I can excel at it. It occupies my time without me having to figure out something else to do, at times elicits some praise for a job well done, etc.
*I see things as very black and white, with little middle ground, related to my expectations mentioned above. I'm extremely conscientious about how I act around others and I have a lot of anxiety about how others perceive me. It then irritates me when others don't seem to put their best foot forward and instead trample on mine.
*I have two small businesses with no employees, because I simply don't trust anyone to do the job like I would do it. My wife and I have worked together for years, and I still don't trust her to do a good job. I can find mistakes in her work without even trying, something that obviously is not good for us.
*I'm a very negative person. More specifically, I see the negatives in other people without even trying. They jump out at me right off the bat, in many cases. I obviously have the ability to be optimistic, otherwise I wouldn't keep trying to better myself and my life, so my life-view isn't necessarily one of negativity. However, it is my view of other people around me that is so negative. I truly wish it wasn't that way. It hurts me when my wife and I can go somewhere with other people and she had a great time and really liked them and I thought they were imbeciles and crude people. I don't want to be this way. It is very isolating. At the same time, it takes so much mental energy to be "on" for social situations due to my ADHD that it becomes very tiring. Maybe I'm compensating in some way, as if the exhaustion from being "on" for so long is something that makes me more negative, kind of like how a person in pain will often have a short temper.
*My moods seem to go in some sort of cycles. Up and down, up and down, often associated with ADHD but could be something else. My younger brother is very isolationist. I sometimes wonder if I should have stayed single, yet at the same time I can't imagine life without my wife. I crave social activity, yet hate it at the same time. Yet another part of the conundrum that is my life. So many conflicts within, and so many in my life. I'm tired of living a life of mental instability, and it doesn't help that my wife has her own issues as well. Honestly, I believe that most people have a plethora of disorders, but live a life of denial or just ignorance. My mom is bipolar, my dad depressed and probably other things including ADHD, both of my brothers depressed and probably one bipolar. My wife's family is ADHD, bipolar, depressed, etc. I've been surrounded by this all of my life, but then again, maybe everyone is just with different circumstances and the names have been changed to protect the innocent.
I'm not miserly with money, as indicated in the DSM for OCPD. If anything, I'm the opposite and spend too freely, but that impulsiveness often comes with ADHD. I'm not obsessive about lists or order necessarily, though I am perfectionistic in many ways. I'm a big picture thinker that doesn't often get lost in the details. In fact, details can irritate me, as I can be quite impatient, again something that often relates to ADHD.
So, what say ye? Is this a place that I might fit in? Does my life and experience resonate with anyone else? Finding out about ADHD and the forums for it that I've been a member of for a couple of years really helped give me understanding of my own life. Now I'm looking for somewhere that I fit in for some specific things that really impact my life negatively that cannot be packaged with my ADHD as neatly as I'd like. The biggest issue in my life is the way that I view myself in comparison with others that I meet in day to day life, other people that frankly I find inconsiderate and lacking in common sense and general intelligence. I don't want to come across as arrogant, but the reality is that although I don't necessarily think of myself as great, I'm appalled by the deficiencies of others. Perhaps that's perfectionism, perhaps some sort of narcissism, OCPD, I just don't know and I want to find out and find others like me.
Thanks for your time. Please don't be offended or think that I look down on those that are here, but I have to tell how I feel even if it isn't flattering, and it certainly doesn't make me look good either. I have a problem, and I'm reaching out for some understanding in order to better my life. I took some personality tests for disorders online, and pretty much fit in most categories, though this one showed up kind of high along with a few others in particular.
Sorry for the long post. Have a great weekend!