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Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

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Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby stevevit » Sun Sep 20, 2009 6:52 pm

I stumbled across ocpd online while searching compulsive hoarding. I've seen an episode on A&E and I was fascinated by the odd behavior. I always knew i had some compulsive quirks and hoarding seemed to click because I can never feel at ease in an untidy house. I'm not talking ocd spotless clean but tidy enough I'm not embarrassed when company stops in.

I have two things I cannot deal with - an untidy home and a need to meet my monthly expenses. If these things are not met I'm not at ease, especially during stressful times.

I've just realized at 41 that I have issues with ocpd. In the past I've had relationships with neat women that earned a decent living and saved money in 401k and other retirement plans. Ocpd is much more apparent living with untidy people who live paycheck to paycheck or have managed to occur massive debt ($10,000 usd give or take at poverty level).

Part of ocpd seems ok from my perspective. I'm a decent earner, save money, neat, top notch employee, and willing to make sacrifices to save money. It seems more like discipline to me and a lot less like a personality disorder. I'm wondering if most of the people complaining about ocpd are untidy, poor money managers and unwilling to work long hard hours to get ahead in life if that is what's needed.

I'll admit ocpd causes turmoil for my partner and her kids, as well as my last marriage. I'm exploring my options with therapy, zoloft and reading as much as possible. I'm trying to get my girlfriend to read about ocpd. Last night I asked her to read 3 or 4 pages to have a better understanding but she's at the point she doesn't even want to attempt

I just read Rob741's post about his wife. I share 50 of the 61 characteristics he has listed below.

21 year partner of OCPD needs advice/ help
by Rob741 » Fri May 29, 2009 12:34 am


* Decent and good hearted
* Must be in control
* Fanatical about sorting laundry
* Has reasons for everything she does that to me seem too neurotic
* Hardly anyone can do their job properly
* Expects me to have same standards
* Constantly exhausted, too busy and angry and agitated
* Great financial skills
* Obsessive about folding ironing
* Always on time (sets clock 5 min fast so she rushes when she is running late and makes it on time.)
* must be right rather than happy
* has to do everything because I can't do it properly
* I am always on edge, worried I will screw up
* She is always depressed or moody or angry
* bombastic and domineering
* Perfectionistic
* Writes off friends over minor grievances
* Has to do list with at least 50 - 60 tasks which dont get done
* Expert in her field (emergency nursing for 10+ years)
* Drinks 2 - 3 glasses of wine a night to de-stress, more on weekends
* Physically voilent towards me (I'm non-violent, 30kg heavier and 1 foot taller)
* When she goes off she is like a screaming banshie
* Cant understand why friends don't gravitate to her
* Believes people don't understand her or her humour
* Needs more sleep - very cranky without it.
* outside of the home she is beautiful and normal.
* Always exhausted after work (but she is an ER nurse)
* Low Self Esteem
* Rarely has nothing to do.
* Always hurrying.
* Doesn't feel she has a reason to be happy
* Good sense of humour
* Is assumed by others to be very popular, but feels very lonely.
* Loves gardening & weeding to de-stress
* Is happy to criticize me but reacts badly if I dare to say anything about her.
* Has locked me out emotionally, sexually.
* Sounds suspicious when I say I love her (daily)
* Whinges a lot.
* Rules kids and me with "iron fist"
* Emasculates me.
* Thinks she knows me and others better than we do
* Helps others
* Reliable
* Intelligent
* awesome with children
* Hard working
* Generous
* Preoccupied with detail
* Inflexible
* Relunctant to delegate
* Shrewd with money
* Has to have things done her way
* Critical of others
* Insists on full value for everything she buys
* Has very set routine
* Strict about fulfilling obligations
* Sexually inhibited
* Prefers to be private person
* has strict cash budget
* Sanctimonious
* Zero balance of Credit card each month

I'm wondering how well a pair or ocpd's would get along, she sounds like she's got her act together.
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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby Chucky » Sun Sep 20, 2009 10:47 pm

Hey stevevit,

i have OCD/OCPD too, and I know how it can dominate both yourself and those around you. I had to receive therapy just to reduce my symptoms, but getting rid of them entirely seems impossible; really, it does. I think that you should genuinely explore the therapy option if you can, and also I think that you should be open to your partner by saying that 'yes - I have a problem'. I think that she would appreciate it if you at least admit to her that you know you have a problem.

Kevin
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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby stevevit » Mon Sep 21, 2009 3:34 am

I think that you should be open to your partner by saying that 'yes - I have a problem'. I think that she would appreciate it if you at least admit to her that you know you have a problem.


I have told her I have ocpd. She does not want to join me in therapy, talk about what makes me do what I do nor does she seem to want to put effort in going further. After living together for 9 months she is packing her bags as I write. I'm sure there is nothing I can do or say to change her mind.

I'm still recovering (finacially) from a divorce and I've spent the last 32 months dipping into savings to cover my bills. I do have some money (less than 100k) in retirement and I do not want to tap those assets. I want to get serious about life and do what it takes to cover my monthy expenses, and trust me, I live a very modest lifestyle and I am very good with money.

My decision to try and get ahead of the game and work on keeping this a little more organized and tidy doesn't seem to fit my girlfriends lifestyle. I am upset and love her dearly but after one year I know even modest goals will not be met.

Bottom line is even though everything I say seems like a decent plan I really complicate things with my approach and she is tired of my ranting.
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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby realitycheque » Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:16 pm

stevevit wrote:It seems more like discipline to me and a lot less like a personality disorder. I'm wondering if most of the people complaining about ocpd are untidy, poor money managers and unwilling to work long hard hours to get ahead in life if that is what's needed.
The PD is the obsession with money and orderliness. That is not what life is about. Lining everything up perfectly and organizing them by some often random criterion is not going to allow you enjoy life more. It's only to make life more tolerable due to your irrational Anxieties. Excessive devotion to work, with the justification of having enough money, is not a positive attribute. When you deprive your partner and her kids of time and attention, you are saying (with your actions) they are not important. You are saying your needs (phobias) come before theirs. You are saying they must sacrifice to meet your goals without their buy-in. You are saying you know better than they what they should want and need. It doesn't matter if most people are not as organized or workaholic as you. That's putting yourself on a pedestal.

stevevit wrote:I'll admit ocpd causes turmoil for my partner and her kids, as well as my last marriage. I'm trying to get my girlfriend to read about ocpd. Last night I asked her to read 3 or 4 pages to have a better understanding but she's at the point she doesn't even want to attempt.
Why? So she can change? So her kids can change? So they will defer to your obsessions and compulsions? She doesn't need to read about them -- she already experiences the over-the-top behaviors daily.

stevevit wrote:I'm wondering how well a pair or ocpd's would get along.
Two stubborn people convinced their rules, or places to put things or safest investments, are better than their partners would get along splendidly.

stevevit wrote:My decision to try and get ahead of the game and work on keeping this a little more organized and tidy doesn't seem to fit my girlfriends lifestyle. I am upset and love her dearly but after one year I know even modest goals will not be met. Bottom line is even though everything I say seems like a decent plan I really complicate things with my approach and she is tired of my ranting.
It's the only game to OCPDers. And the "modest" goals will only get more ambitious because they strive for perfection, constantly raising the bar. It will never be good enough, especially as life becomes less controllable. That's the disorder part. Oh, and the ranting. How can one rationalize loving someone dearly at the same time ranting about how their significant other is improperly loading the dishwasher or spending $5 on something non-essential (am I far off the mark?). There's an incongruity in the balance of relative importance.

stevevit wrote:After living together for 9 months she is packing her bags as I write. I'm sure there is nothing I can do or say to change her mind.
Probably not, and overall it's not a bad thing. If you want to change and want her (or anyone else) to stay with you long-term, you must overcome your O-C tendencies. Meds and CBT will help. But don't expect her to wait for you or help you; she's not obligated to fix you. And you're not obligated to improve yourself, but if you want better relations with people in general, and to enjoy the intangible pleasures life has to offer that occasionally conflict with being tidy or wealthy, you should continue down the path you've started.

Take the Cammer Test, and see how severe your OCPD is.
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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby Chucky » Mon Sep 21, 2009 8:11 pm

stevevit, something just occured to me while reading your last post: You said that your partner was packing her bags as you wrote it (the post). Think about this... ...she's leaving, while you're sitting at the PC... ...? Why weren't you fighting to get her to stay?; are you just feeling so dejected about all of this that you're 'content' to let her go like that? If my words are coming across to you in an attacking kind of way, then be aware that i don't intend them to seem that way. i'm really just genuinely curious here.

What's happening now?

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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby stevevit » Sun Oct 04, 2009 5:38 am

My girlfriend has packed her bags and left. I was served a restraining order and I'm staying in a hotel until she's moved all her things. I'm alone and I'm always thinking about her, It's sad that the love of my life had to walk away before I realized I have some serious issues to work on.

I'm seeking treatment, taking an increased dose of zoloft (200mg) and trying self help with books and reading on the internet. I went to Borders Books yesterday and did not see anything on ocpd, I did read about control issues, passive-aggressive behaviour and a book called men who manipulate. At times I was stunned and had to place he book on my lap while I soaked it all in. It was difficult reading about behavior I've demonstrated for years and realizing I have a distorted view on things.

I'm interested in taking the cammer test but I could not find anything doing a google search, anyone have a link?
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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby realitycheque » Sun Oct 04, 2009 5:39 pm

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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby stevevit » Sun Oct 04, 2009 7:15 pm

I scored a 79 on the cammer
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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby stevevit » Sun Oct 04, 2009 7:29 pm

http://psychcentral.com/addquiz.htm

I scored a 70 on an Attention Deficit Disorder (ADHD) Test
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Re: Another ocpd in an unstable relationship

Postby realitycheque » Mon Oct 05, 2009 11:06 am

Steveit -- so what's your strategy/plan from reducing the Cammer score from a problematic 79 to a manageable/productive 55? Concentrate on those items that you rated 3 or 4 (and as intriguing as it appears, don't put all your efforts in #22!).
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