So it turns out after years of wondering why I'm so weird, defensive, angry, vulnerable, think I'm holier than tho when it comes to certain traits I have, so envious of others and resentful of others it's 99% certain it's that I'm a covert narcissist.
I am a shy person with very low self esteem when it comes to certain things and with only one person I can call a friend, so it felt like a joke when my therapist suggested that I have a form of narcissism. From what I read on narcissism it was something that results in a person being egocentric but also with overt high self esteem, arrogance and generally like a more mild version of a sociopath.
A narcissist was the last thing i thought I was...
However from reading up on the diagnosis of covert narcissism and having so many of the traits, if not all of them, ring true with me, it appears after all these years of wondering what the problem is I have now found it.
At the same time as never feeling good enough in the social arena, never feeling clever enough socially and feeling like I have something fundamentally unacceptable about myself which makes people reject me.
I also feel like I am more morally righteous than anyone else. A bastion of "goodness" if you will. I also use this "angelic" portrayal of myself in order to get attention, pity and get appreciation from my girlfriend and parents.
The combination of the intense love I feel towards myself and the intense hatred I feel for others makes life so much harder than how it is for a normal person.
I have a huge sense of entitlement, I don't find any pleasure in relationships but know I need to make one work in order to be relatively happy, I view people as objects and lack empathy and am always preoccupied with myself and others perception of myself and my reputation.
My emotions are very mixed at the moment. I feel happy that I now know what the problem is but I also at the same time am deeply scared about my fate from reading up on how covert narcissism is the "most malignant" form of narcissism.
I assume there will be a couple of covert narcissists here. How do you cope with this element of your psyche and have you successfully beaten it or not?
I'm eager to hear your thoughts. Thanks.