Cold and Calculating

Someone recently told me that everything I do is so calculated that it seems like I am an intelligent machine programmed to win favor from all my peers/authority figures.

Oh, how true it is.

I live life like it's a science. I have no feelings -- only thoughts. When I do feel -- a rare occurrence -- I am scared because the notion of feeling strongly about anything except my own immediate gratification is foreign, an intruder, and something I cannot handle.

Being cold and calculating is something I adore about myself; at the same time, it can be lonely, dysphoric, and actually really, really depressing. But when I feel down, I can be immediately re-energized by a smile from a pretty girl, or from a swift compliment made by a professor. . . or by someone I do not even know.

My affect is shallow, my presentation impeccable, my hopes and dreams "superficial". I want the worst for you -- it makes me feel better. I like when tragedies happen because it is exciting. If a family member dies, my primary concern is what suit I will wear to the funeral.

I do care about others in my own way, but, no matter what, my needs come first always.

Superficial wrote:Someone recently told me that everything I do is so calculated that it seems like I am an intelligent machine programmed to win favor from all my peers/authority figures.

Many people are rather loose with their definition of intelligent, don't you find?

Superficial, I can relate. You don't sound pleased with yourself or happy, despite saying that you 'adore' being cold and calculating, so no need for snide remarks from others.

legallyblind wrote:

Superficial wrote:Someone recently told me that everything I do is so calculated that it seems like I am an intelligent machine programmed to win favor from all my peers/authority figures.

Many people are rather loose with their definition of intelligent, don't you find?

High IQ.

mynameissue wrote:so no need for snide remarks from others.

illchay arcnay.

Pleasure is an affection of the soul, and each man takes pleasure in that which he is said to love--he who loves horses in horses, he who loves sight-seeing in sight-seeing, and in the same way he who loves justice in acts of justice, and generally the lover of excellence or virtue in virtuous acts or the manifestation of excellence.
- Aristotle

mynameissue wrote:Superficial, I can relate. You don't sound pleased with yourself or happy, despite saying that you 'adore' being cold and calculating, so no need for snide remarks from others.

I am not happy or unhappy. But satisfied. . . no, never. How can a narcissist find satisfaction in life? Many are too deluded to know they are not satisfied, or will never admit that they aren't. But deep down I do not see how I will ever be. Apparently, strong relationships are what "fills people up", so to speak. I don't know how to do that, how to have them. I immediately put on an act without thinking about it and destroy it from the start.

-- Tue Aug 14, 2012 12:19 am --

legallyblind wrote:

mynameissue wrote:so no need for snide remarks from others.

illchay arcnay.

Pleasure is an affection of the soul, and each man takes pleasure in that which he is said to love--he who loves horses in horses, he who loves sight-seeing in sight-seeing, and in the same way he who loves justice in acts of justice, and generally the lover of excellence or virtue in virtuous acts or the manifestation of excellence.
- Aristotle

You think you're smart or something?

Superficial wrote:

legallyblind wrote:

mynameissue wrote:so no need for snide remarks from others.

illchay arcnay.

Pleasure is an affection of the soul, and each man takes pleasure in that which he is said to love--he who loves horses in horses, he who loves sight-seeing in sight-seeing, and in the same way he who loves justice in acts of justice, and generally the lover of excellence or virtue in virtuous acts or the manifestation of excellence.
- Aristotle

You think you're smart or something?

Or something. You?

Superficial wrote: I am not happy or unhappy. But satisfied. . . no, never. How can a narcissist find satisfaction in life? Many are too deluded to know they are not satisfied, or will never admit that they aren't. But deep down I do not see how I will ever be. Apparently, strong relationships are what "fills people up", so to speak. I don't know how to do that, how to have them. I immediately put on an act without thinking about it and destroy it from the start.

Even if you can't have 'real' relationships (at least for now), perhaps, you'll be able to find true satisfaction in doing good deeds (even if your motivation is narcissistic in nature). Charity work, assisting whoever is in need, being there for someone (even in a 'fake' way). It's the positive outcome that matters. Most people find this gratifying.

Not a Victim wrote:

Superficial wrote: I am not happy or unhappy. But satisfied. . . no, never. How can a narcissist find satisfaction in life? Many are too deluded to know they are not satisfied, or will never admit that they aren't. But deep down I do not see how I will ever be. Apparently, strong relationships are what "fills people up", so to speak. I don't know how to do that, how to have them. I immediately put on an act without thinking about it and destroy it from the start.

Even if you can't have 'real' relationships (at least for now), perhaps, you'll be able to find true satisfaction in doing good deeds (even if your motivation is narcissistic in nature). Charity work, assisting whoever is in need, being there for someone (even in a 'fake' way). It's the positive outcome that matters. Most people find this gratifying.

I do a lot of volunteer work and positive things at school. But it's almost as if, at the end of the day, there is no real satisfaction. I only feel good when getting positive feedback from other people. When I finish my day I again feel bored/feel nothing. There has to be a way passed it.

Superficial wrote:There has to be a way passed it.

You mentioned high IQ. Did you have a number in mind?