Unwanted offer of friendship.

There's a woman who has to visit my firm regularly on business, and I always go into my usual narcissistic persona with her, as I do with most people really, but especially those who don't know me so well. (The closer that I get to people, the less of this I do - it's almost like a wierd form of manic anxiety.)

So I'm chatty, irreverent, laugh-a-minute, and leave this woman (like everyone else with whom I come into contact), thinking that we get on really well. With women, this sometimes translates into offers of friendship, followed by a puzzling (polite) rejection from me. Men sometimes think that I fancy them, and ask me out. (Or very occassionally proposition me. Less as I get older.)

Anyway, this woman will be making her final visit to my firm in a couple of weeks. (Tell a lie; she'll be visiting twice more, and I have to speak to her for business reasons.) She has already said, "You'll have to pop in for a cup of tea sometime.", which I somehow managed to avoid answering. (She lives nearby.) Today, she told me that she'll miss seeing me when she visits, and suggested going for a drink. I managed to deflect her with a joke about getting drunk, but as she left, she hugged me. She obviously likes me, and is going to pursue the idea of friendship.

I can say in all honesty and humility that my public self is likeable, since 'she' is not me - I don't need to explain that to other narcissists. I understand why that self will attract offers of friendship. Non-narcissists might say, "Well, don't act like that, then.", but I've been trying to change for most of my life, and self awareness hasn't changed my behaviour as far as my public persona goes.

Anyway...........what am I going to say to this woman, when she tries to make arrangements to meet up? (I'll be seeing her at work, and I really do not want to suggest meeting up outside the office even once. I've thought of just explaining that I'm happy with the 4 people already in my life, and am too much of a homebody to want extra friends.

Any suggestions? How do others cope in similar circumstances?

I usually postpone things or make up excuses at the last minute and after a while they give up trying , even though at first they get sad and demand an explanation.

Cordially accept the invitation. Sure! You're looking forward to it! Come up with plausibly deniable misfortune at last minute, preferably with a pinch of truth. You're so sorry you can't go. You really wish you could, but you can't.

The misfortune is of a personal nature, but you so nicely mention about it anyway because she deserves to know. Without disclosing details, of course, because it wouldn't be appropriate. She understands it. It also demands either rest (health first!) or immediate attention (noble cause!). You can't really offer her the attention she deserves and talk about a rescheduled meetup. You're so so sorry, but you'll have to forget about it for the time being. Pressing matters.

She'll probably not be frustrated enough and will actually mention the meetup again at some later time. Oh my god you completely forgot! You're so ditzy! The misfortune really messed up with your sechedules. But sure! When? Rinse and repeat. Again, something (different) happens at the last minute and you can't go. You're so sorry. *Sigh.* Guess it wasn't meant to be.

If you're lucky enough, that'll solve it.

If there is an advantage to be gained from friendship then I go along with the obsolete small-talk and coffee, tea, or dinner. If there is not any advantage, I just say I am too busy.

Using the "too busy" line has never failed. No one has ever proposed that they know my schedule better than I do, and that I am, in fact, NOT too busy.

I HATE SMALL TALK. Some people really love it. This amazes me. Unless it is about me, I do not want to talk about it.

Thanks for the replies, everybody. Color and anagram - sound advice, but I just can't do that indirect, gentle way of putting people off. I need to say something once and be done with it.
Superficial, I can't take that 'non-explanatory' approach either - I'd feel obliged to elaborate.

You know what I'm going to do? What I considered in the first place - just tell her that I'm happy with the people already in my life, and don't really want any more. That should keep her happy, and is true, although not the whole picture.

This is just what drives you mad, isn't it, color? People asking you for advice, then not following it!

funky wrote:This is just what drives you mad, isn't it, color? People asking you for advice, then not following it!

anagram wrote:

funky wrote:This is just what drives you mad, isn't it, color? People asking you for advice, then not following it!

You're laughing at me ani? Laugh at my face if you dare !!

coloroftruthisgray wrote:You're laughing at me ani? Laugh at my face if you dare !!

Okay, I'm PM'ing you.

You met this lady through work; I'd be very careful about not maintaining your professional and personal reputation by committing to something and then cancelling many times, etc. This is called flaky and not befitting of a mature individual.

If you met her through work, perhaps alleging to company's code of conduct and maintaining purely professional relationships (and drinking in a pub is not part of professional behavior) is an option. Or saying that you have other responsibilities/commitments after work hours and therefore are not available, will send the right message. This way you are honest about not being able to commit to meeting her and will not string her along.

Incidentally, my ex/allegedly narc friend did just that - said he wanted to meet me, and then scheduled/cancelled several time - with legitimate excuses, of course, which I always graciously accepted. One last time when I refused an invitation, saying *I* had another commitment and could not meet him, he stopped talking to me for like three months . And it was him, who wanted to meet me in the first place .

funky wrote:
You know what I'm going to do? What I considered in the first place - just tell her that I'm happy with the people already in my life, and don't really want any more. That should keep her happy, and is true, although not the whole picture.

That sounds like the most honest approach, although she may have trouble understanding.

You could always try ignoring her calls after she is done at your firm. She'd eventually get the message.