Narcissistic People Pleasing?

My main problem in life is that I can't maintain lasting relationships. Right now, I have literally nobody. This seems to be because I have an unstable self-identity, and swing wildly between:
a) being a very innocent, very wholesome people pleaser
and
b) being a cold bitch with a bad temper
Which obviously tends to weird people out and alienate them.

Lately, I feel like I've been able to pinpoint the problem more closely. It begins with my people pleasing. I was raised by narcissistic parents who gave conditional love to be a people pleaser. This is a major problem in my life. I want so badly to please that I subconsciously adopt the opinions of others until I have no idea who I am or what I want for myself. And I have a major problem speaking up for myself because of a fear of judgment.

But then, eventually, I get too angry about the apparent injustices of my life and I lash out. It's either all or nothing for me. I'm either doing my best to make people love me, or I'm doing my worst to make them hate me. I wonder if this is also about rejection avoidance in a way. If I'm intentionally being the worst, their rejection says nothing about my true self. The only times I feel comfortable being confrontational are:
a) when I am intentionally being as extreme as possible
or
b) when I am guaranteed a compliant reaction, such as some stupid blackmail I did a long time ago when I was a teenager

Now, the problem comes when I seek help for this. Whether I've gone to therapy or self help books, a re-occurring theme I've found is that eventually I have to recognize and trust my feelings. Supposedly the way to strike a balance between being a doormat and being selfish is doing good when you want to do good, and not when you're simply afraid of judgment. Now I can see how this would work for normal people, but I have trouble applying it to myself.

This is because I have come to realize that beneath the people pleaser exterior, I'm pretty narcissistic. Even my reasons for people pleasing are narcissistic. I do it because:
1) I see it as a way to obtain adoration and praise, and I fear judgment as a negative blow to my ego/reputation
and
2) Friendships and connections have paid off enough times that I see pleasing others as something that may profit me in the future. Being an overachiever in my personal goals, this overachieving thus extends to my personal relationships.

But my narcissistic nature makes it really hard to just follow my emotions or instincts. Because, if I'm being real with myself, I don't actually want to help anyone, ever, unless the help is obviously advantageous or fun for me as well. But obviously, if I'm THAT real about myself, nobody will like me.

So what is someone like me supposed to do? How do you find that healthy balance between being liked but not overworked or resentful when your natural instinct is selfish and uncaring? Does anyone have any advice or experience about anything like this?

*mod edit*

if a psychopath's charm is superficial
is an npd's charm permanent ? (and/or as long as you get supply?)

madjoe wrote:if a psychopath's charm is superficial
is an npd's charm permanent ? (and/or as long as you get supply?)

Yeah, it kinda depends on what you mean by permanent.
I'm certainly not charming all the time to everyone, nor are my underlying values charming.

But unlike some disordered people I've seen - such as BPD and HPD, who seemed bound to snap - I don't have to snap, no. It's always a conscious decision when I choose to be rude, not a moment of uncontrollable anger. And yeah, like you say, that conscious decision is usually made when I stop getting supply. Or when a person has become so thoroughly annoying to me that their respect and adoration mean nothing. I've gone 10 years being totally polite before. But most of the time someone annoys me enough that I choose not to be perfectly charming.