awakenow he wasnt fine until he cheated on me, ive been through a rollercoaster with this guy, from the honeymoonish start, though he dropped a couple of 'things that make you go hmmmm' even back then,through to him, yes, cheating, but oh i still went back for more, tried harder, tried to fix it, etc.
The conversation above is recent, yes i'll admit i'm finding it hard to extricate myself & havent got to 'no contact' yet and i have far far more reasons to 'guess' he's an NP than whats written here. I've not posted the whole story, or even a tiny fraction yet.
I came here in a state of weak pathetic heartbreak, because i found reading honest and detailed posts by dx npd's were a good reality check, that i need in order to break off this connection before this guy destroys the last of my self esteem.so i could stop kidding myself that he 'cared at the start' or at any stage, therefore deal with his brutal coldness a little better by realizing its not personal, and it was inevitable.
I had suspicions something wasnt quite 'straightforward' with him from quite early, but i just thought maybe he was highly strung, bit of a chauvinist, maybe a bit 'asperger' ish, he's got a very high I.Q. I'D pretty much rather it was anything other than this conclusion because it means only one thing, you cant fix, you cant stick around. As time went on and more behaviours popped up, i turned to good old google because dayummm was i confused (right how he wanted me), started reading some stuff, tried to brush it off, not into the whole internet self diagnosis culture, according to the internet everyones got some fancy name for themselves that they can then harp on and have a pity party, not my scene, trust me i didnt want to believe it myself....
anywhoo then i got to see his pathological, pointless lying first hand, he played the gaslighting game from the start too, i was thinking is this guy really that forgetful? we just had that conversation but a week or two later he point blank denies it, no i havnt told him colouroftruth, hopefully its a false alarm, and yes wiser to avoid that drama.
But yea, i wasnt really intending to go into details, but i had to set the record straight on that one, i'm asking questions relating to the things that i'm anxious or confused about, feel a bit like i just had a knock down, drag out with a hurricane so for me its helping to try and find out what the hell just happened
and if i can try to understand a bit more the way nps think, which can have some striking patterns you have to admit, then i can start to heal some of the damage, and maybe do a little damage limitation too
-- Thu Jul 19, 2012 12:45 pm --
And also awakenow, yes i did overlook certain things he did in the early stages, where those with better self esteem wouldve walked away, i know i was an easy victim, i'm always the first to doubt myself in a relationship, i'm beating myself up about being a dummy, me thinking he is disordered is not me shifting the blame, i see the whole picture