Projection, is this a classic clue drop....

Hey guys, so long story short I broke up with an N guy very recently, now that i've found this forum and one other with all the explanations and phrases for their behaviour i've been re-examining some of the conversation i had with my ex and this one particular incident struck me as strange at the time but in hindsight looks like potential projection, so me and him are arguing/talking, i'm trying to get him to admit the blazingly obvious, that he's seeing/pursuing someone new, he's all denydenydeny......

convo went something like this

Me-You'd never admit it even if i was guessing correctly

N- I told you, people are always looking outside the relationship to fix things, i think thats crap (Ha! how he can actually say this b.s) whats happening between me and you (devalue and discard) is about me and you

Me- huh, ok sure (self amused chuckle at the ridiculousness i'm hearing)

N-What are you going to do? ruin my reputation, go for it


????? random statement, where did that come from? so my question is, does this look like textbook projection or what, seems to indicate he's going to launch a smear campaign (or just escalate the one he's been quietly running on me from the start) he's already given his friends the whole *she's a crazy chick who is just so in love with me and i've been trying to end it, i'm the victim* spiel, this is his standard line about all his exes and he's obviously used it as a pre-emptive strike to disparage my character, in case i should try to 'expose' his ugly true self to his 'fanclub' BUT does this look like he's planning to escalate his smear campaign now that its all crumbling? he has some ammunition, intimate photos and video, some taken against my will/without my knowledge, some with permission. Is he likely to really humiliate and expose me? is there anything i can do to calm the situation/make him less likely to do this, or is it inevitable that he'll go for massive character assassination now that i'm D&D'd?!?

Any opinions/insights appreciated

I'm not sure it's possible to determine based on 4 lines pulled out of the middle of a conversation. You might have said something about talking to someone else (even if not relating to destroying a reputation), you may have had similar conversations, there are too many unknowns to even guess.

Even if you posted the entire conversation, no one here would know if he's going to start a smear campaign. Only he knows that, and I doubt he's going to tell you, or even given it much thought. If he's going to trash you, he's just going to do it. He probably doesn't have a 'game plan'.

Be careful diagnosing someone based on the actions you're now focused on. This person was fine for you until he started seeing someone else. Now, he's a narc. One pattern here is clear - people definitely want to be able to blame the treatment they received from someone else on a personality disorder so that they don't have to look at what caused them to accept such treatment or why they weren't loved the way the person loved them. Blaming poor behavior on a disorder doesn't explain why you put up with it or why you fell for the guy in the first place.

Did you tell the guy you are pregnant or didn't?

coloroftruthisgray wrote:Did you tell the guy you are pregnant or didn't?

That's this poster??? I'm so bad with names and it never dawned on me...

To the OP - You seriously have bigger issues than whether or not this guy is ready to wage war. This banter is irrelevant.

And, did you tell him?

That's this poster??? I'm so bad with names and it never dawned on me...

, I forgot about it too but then I checked her posts.

awakenow he wasnt fine until he cheated on me, ive been through a rollercoaster with this guy, from the honeymoonish start, though he dropped a couple of 'things that make you go hmmmm' even back then,through to him, yes, cheating, but oh i still went back for more, tried harder, tried to fix it, etc.

The conversation above is recent, yes i'll admit i'm finding it hard to extricate myself & havent got to 'no contact' yet and i have far far more reasons to 'guess' he's an NP than whats written here. I've not posted the whole story, or even a tiny fraction yet.
I came here in a state of weak pathetic heartbreak, because i found reading honest and detailed posts by dx npd's were a good reality check, that i need in order to break off this connection before this guy destroys the last of my self esteem.so i could stop kidding myself that he 'cared at the start' or at any stage, therefore deal with his brutal coldness a little better by realizing its not personal, and it was inevitable.

I had suspicions something wasnt quite 'straightforward' with him from quite early, but i just thought maybe he was highly strung, bit of a chauvinist, maybe a bit 'asperger' ish, he's got a very high I.Q. I'D pretty much rather it was anything other than this conclusion because it means only one thing, you cant fix, you cant stick around. As time went on and more behaviours popped up, i turned to good old google because dayummm was i confused (right how he wanted me), started reading some stuff, tried to brush it off, not into the whole internet self diagnosis culture, according to the internet everyones got some fancy name for themselves that they can then harp on and have a pity party, not my scene, trust me i didnt want to believe it myself....
anywhoo then i got to see his pathological, pointless lying first hand, he played the gaslighting game from the start too, i was thinking is this guy really that forgetful? we just had that conversation but a week or two later he point blank denies it, no i havnt told him colouroftruth, hopefully its a false alarm, and yes wiser to avoid that drama.

But yea, i wasnt really intending to go into details, but i had to set the record straight on that one, i'm asking questions relating to the things that i'm anxious or confused about, feel a bit like i just had a knock down, drag out with a hurricane so for me its helping to try and find out what the hell just happened and if i can try to understand a bit more the way nps think, which can have some striking patterns you have to admit, then i can start to heal some of the damage, and maybe do a little damage limitation too

-- Thu Jul 19, 2012 12:45 pm --

And also awakenow, yes i did overlook certain things he did in the early stages, where those with better self esteem wouldve walked away, i know i was an easy victim, i'm always the first to doubt myself in a relationship, i'm beating myself up about being a dummy, me thinking he is disordered is not me shifting the blame, i see the whole picture

I'm still confused. If you're not looking to label him, why are you here, and if you are looking to label him, why?

ok actually i'm confused, do i know you? whats with the hostility toward me when i've seen far more frivolous posts from 'nons' in here asking for advice and feedback?

I'm trying to understand what just happened in my life, and what he is, that lead me here

I'm trying to get to a point of no contact, with the least damage then go on with my life in a productive fashion, not sure why i need to justify this to you or anyone as this is an open forum

but seriously......... your answer doesnt make much sense, this site isnt just about 'labelling people' last time i checked

If you enjoy 'kicking people when there down' why not swing by the self harm forum and go hell for leather

I'm not here to waste my time with morrreee negativity, though what i ask and talk 'about' might be negative, its with an aim to healing, if you cant respect that maybe just dont comment on my posts

Let go. It won't change. The only way to calm a situation like this is to disengage. If he is going to say bad things about you there is nothing you can do. If he truly is a narcissist, people who matter to you won't believe him.

Dats***Cray wrote:whats with the hostility toward me

What hostility?

Why do people get angry or offended so easily , I'll never know.