Why doesnt she see lack of boundaries is wrong?

From what I have heard from other people who have been involved with an abusive person, they said me feeling confused/emotionally battered and drained was normal because of the way they can manipulate and lie and everything else. Do you not think being 23 and hanging out with 16 years (and probably younger by the look of them) is normal? do you think allowing under age boys to get their privates out is nor weird? do you not think shaving 16 year olds below the stomach and just above the bladder is normal? because I dont think so, and nor do people where I come think thats okay. the fact she hid those pictures from the public and only viewable by friends shows she knows what she has done is wrong

I think the point awakenow was trying to make was "stop thinking about her". And I agree , you wanna move on , feel better , stop hurting ?

Then stop looking at her FB page , stop posting stuff about her , stop obsessing about her , because if you don't put her away from your mind then you will never get over her. Don't make the same mistake as some of the "victims" here , just say "screw her " and move on.

I appreciate everyones advice here, and I am moving on. I dont check her facebook and only done that when I was in contact with her because wall posts came up, i have since blocked her and dont wana know what shes up to. she was horrible. I guess I have never met anyone that heartless, that would use someone like that and pathologically lie to them, even over trivial things, and then spit them out when you do a normal thing and tell them what they said contradicts would she earlier said, and was that violent, with no feelings for anyone but herself. I dont think someone like her is capable of love. and yes it might be hard to accept that, but i dont think shes capable of loving me, her new boyfriend or anyone, other than herself. Im bit worred she will attempt to come back though and attempt more damage. I have read sam vaknin say when they exhaust their narcissistic supply they always try and return to old supplies. She cant on facebook as shes blocked so yay, but does have my number and email etc. what a nightmare this relatonship was.

i'm not sure somthing like that is punishable by law in belgium
(ofc if ther's no forcing)
i think if no one makes a complaint they wil leave it be
+ ther's a lot of gender bias when it come to this topic

sceneparade wrote:From what I have heard from other people who have been involved with an abusive person, they said me feeling confused/emotionally battered and drained was normal because of the way they can manipulate and lie and everything else. Do you not think being 23 and hanging out with 16 years (and probably younger by the look of them) is normal? do you think allowing under age boys to get their privates out is nor weird? do you not think shaving 16 year olds below the stomach and just above the bladder is normal? because I dont think so, and nor do people where I come think thats okay. the fact she hid those pictures from the public and only viewable by friends shows she knows what she has done is wrong

Coloroftruthisgray is correct. That was my point, but to answer your questions:

No, but I don't think anything she has done is normal. Hitting you and screaming that she wants to smash your face in? Not telling anyone she's in a relationship? Repeatedly losing all of her friends? Nothing there is normal. She has no idea how to act in any other situation, so why would this be different.
She probably knows it's wrong based on the feedback she got. If she knew from day one it was wrong she either wouldn't have done it or at least wouldn't have posted those pics publicly. She's at a loss on how she 'should' behave. She's a trainwreck.

It is normal to feel drained and emotionally battered, but to continue to focus on her and look at her FB pages isn't helping you move on. I'm not saying this in a nasty way so please don't read it that way:
As long as you're focused on what's wrong with her, you won't learn what it is inside yourself that allowed you to be treated like this at all. Why did you tolerate such a person in your life? Why did you continue to try despite knowing what she was doing to you was wrong?
Again, not nasty here, but I do think you should focus on yourself. Once you see what it is that allowed all of this to happen, you'll be able to let go of her and all of her craziness.

Let's face it - you could learn every last thing about her and you'd still be wondering why? That's because the real why is with you, not her.
So don't worry about why she said this or did that. Don't remember the nice things she did and try to make them match the crazy things she did, and don't ask why she doesn't see all of the things she destroys, including your feelings for her. She has to live her life with her memories. You need to live your life without craziness and turmoil.

Like I said, I havent read her profile on facebook in weeks as she isnt on my friends list. I guess I put up with her $#%^ because of the same reasons I payed for a deposit on her flat when she was homeless; bought her food and clothing, because I guess I have too much compassion and empathy so people abuse it. If you have BPD like I do, you can go the other way and feel to much empathy. even after what she done I feel sorry for her, I know her disorder doesnt mean she shouldnt accept responsibility though. What I dont get is despite all I done, her friends didnt like me. All my friends said its probably because she is using gaslighting. I mean, there I was helping her out and doing the best I could and they didnt like me. I should have seen the warning when she said on facebook " there's this guy Phil, knob to be fair. I want to punch his face in" even though I have done alot for her. It must be her not telling the other stuff about me too, like helping her with food, deposits etc. I know narcissits do gaslight when you become a negative source of supply or question/criticise their lies/behaviour. I guess my BPD allows people to take advantage of my good nature. I just felt bad she was homeless, struggling etc.

I'm not sure you understand the concept of gaslighting. If she's saying things to her friends about you, she's just lying, not gaslighting. If she's not telling her friends things, that's lying by omission, not gaslighting.

Gaslighting is lying, but it's a specific type of lie. For example:

You: Hello. How are you today?
Her: Miserable. I have no money, food or friends.
You: Well cheer up. I'm going to give you money and food.
Her: I really want to punch you in your face.

Two days later:

Her: Why haven't you been by to see me? You said you were going to give me money.
You: You said you wanted to punch me in my face.
Her: WHAT??? I never said that!
You: Yes you did! You said it two days ago, standing right there.
Her: Why would I ever say that? What kind of person would say that? I really can't believe you think I said that. What's wrong with you? Are you delusional?
You (confused): Maybe you don't even remember, but you said it.
Her: No, I didn't. I would never say something so awful. What possible reason would there be for me to say such a thing? You're really crazy if you think I said that to you. What's wrong with you?
You: I swear, you said it.
Her: No, I didn't. You should get some help, you're really losing it.

You then start to question if she really said it. In other words, you start to question your own sanity.

This is gaslighting.

YES, OMG! that is her to a T. She would make me feel bad into giving her money. she would out of nowhere ask if I got her a laptop or whatever. At the same time, she would slate me off on facbook and tell me excuses like " oh you made me angry because you doubted me" or " you are just being stupid" etc. Does that mean she is telling her friends only the BAD of me and never the GOOD of me? One of her friends who is gay, was there when she punched me, pulled my hair, tried to force me into my car and driver them to her new place, and he didnt flinch or act surprised. it seemed normal for him. amd the reason for the arguement? I was taking her and her stuff to her new place. she said we were going to pick up her gay friend from his friends house, then we would all go to her new place to drop her stuff off and her gay friend would go see his boyfriend and then me and her would go for lunch. however, when we got to her gay friends, she slipped the guy waving at the window was her gay friends boyfriend (clearly a lie) so I just pointed out she was lying and she went mad and punched etc, like I said above. now clearly, he KNOWS she was lying and seeing another guy, and yet he blames me. he got out the car and said pffft. he aint seeing you anymore. What the ###$?! I am nicer to her than anyone, all I do is what nornal people do when lied to.

this is some of the things she has said:

"Its not nice and its happened to me before so man up phil! You're not the only person on this earth who's been cheated on or hit. You'll be okay "

"Why don't you just come here? Like now! C'mon, and we'll spend a day together before I go somerset this evening? Xx"

"Well we can start by no arguments- otherwise a relationship is not a possibility xx"

"Would you like to go to somerset today then just us xx (her real reason was to see that guy she was cheating on me with, you know the one she went to record music but never produced a CD) sounds like she was nice, to get to bristol?"

"Well I'm not like them so stop treating me the same About me running off with someone else Okay well when you trust your gf there's no problem"

as you can see from the next one, she wanted to go bristol to record music, but has never produced a CD, and when we were talking wanted me to take her there again (hence I know she was cheating). is this gaslighting then?


"My split of the recording session all weekend starting from tomorrow is £90, I'm worried because my cheque hasn't cleared today, so I've just called the bank and they said it won't till Monday my dad can't lend me it because he's buying my sister's baby cot tomorrow. I know you're short, but could you please lend it till monday? I will literally pay it back on monday babe. Its a promise. This recording is important and I can't miss it Can't you lend it till monday babe I can't miss it, its been booked I'll be a devastated wreck if I miss it "

phil:
> What a $#%^ relationship we have
> phil:
> If you don't want a boyfriend for real relationship stuff then forget it
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> What the ###$, hardly mr.sensitive are you?
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> I'm clearly very depressed and upset today and all you give a $#%^ about is yourself.
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> ###$ you phil.
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> Can't even talk to a girl properly
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> No wonder you haven't settled yet
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> To think I actually like you... Well thanks a whole ######6 bunch!
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> Anyway, unless I can get money by this evening to pay for my recording sessions, then I'm going into hibernation. Because I'm really passionate about my music. If you were even remotely a decent boyfriend then you would already know how I feel about my music

phil:
You made it sound like you only want to see me for money, hardly a decent girlfriend
???B e c k s t a r r.:
No you're not! You think its just about money... You're ruining everything about us with your ######6 @@@@@@@ thoughts.

???B e c k s t a r r.:
> And all I wanted was a hug and to make my music this weekend
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> But instead I've got a boyfriend who sexually abuses me and then treats me like crap all the time
> ???B e c k s t a r r.:
> And all I wanted was a hug and to lend some money.

** the abuse thing, we were in bed together at night, and AS A BOYFRIEND, wanted to get intimate (normal couple things) ***

as you can see, pathological liar, cheat. is this all gas lighting ? oh and yes, she has me doubting my insanity now.

Dude , that's batsh*t insane , run. For the love of Toblerone , run!

Oh and another thing she would do when in the wrong. she would blame my disorder. for instance, she would lie or do something wrong and I would question what she has said as it was a lie, and then she would say you are being stupid, but I know its your disorder so thats why I am patient with you. something along those lines