Can a narcissistic parent be placated?

My elderly narcissistic father threatens to write me and my sister out of his will unless we sign notarized documents stating that we will not sue the realtor who's trying to make a deal to sell his apartment (the only place he has to live). For all we know, it may be a legitimate deal (he says the deal will allow him to remain in the apartment indefinitely, and money will be advanced to him to live on). But we're unwilling to sign anything without seeing the contract. He refuses to let us see the contract and threatens to disown us (of whatever remains of the value of the apartment after the sale). The apartment originally belonged to our late mother, and she left it to him, trusting that he would leave it to us. We've borne his sarcastic put-downs and his constant self-aggrandizing for the 8 years since his our mother died. We've visited him every weekend, with out children, celebrated holidays with him, etc., but we're not willing to sign away our right to sue someone who may be just a con artist. Both of our therapists have told us that we should become unseen benefactors, making sure our father is OK from afar, but limiting personal contact with him, because it’s wearing us down emotionally. Question: my husband tells me that I should put my revulsion aside and suck up to my father, in the hopes that he’ll become reasonable and allow us to inspect the sales contract before signing away our right to sue. I think that no matter what I say to my father, he’s unlikely to let the matter drop. I’m resigned to the possibility that I’ll be cut out of his will (such as it is). My husband I should do anything in my power to prevent him from cutting me out of the will. Who is right?

yeah with therapy
or a manipulative a..hole like me

My vote:

Stand up for yourself. It's pathetic you'd put up with his abuse because of a "possible" inheritance. You are being manipulated into "sucking up" by both your husband and your father.

Your father is an ADULT, and you are under no obligation to cater to him. If he wants to sign a contract with a scheister, so be it. He won't suddenly become "reasonable." Most likely, he'll become worse over time and you'll be bearing the brunt of his behaviors.

Is your self-esteem worth an inheritance, that may or may not come to pass?

I agree with you, Blueflower. I'm in No Contact mode. Let the chips fall where they may.

Asking anyone to sign a contract like that, sight unseen, is really an indication that something is off in your father's head. Also, the fact that this person has a contract stating no one can sue him after the fact says that there is something shady about his dealings. Who needs a pre-emptive "You Won't Sue Me" contract? Someone that's about to swindle someone. Any clear thinking person would agree.

Since your father is acting this unreasonable and his decision could cause irrepairable harm to his financial well being, why not take the matter to court and get power of attorney over your father's financial affairs?

I do agree - is your self esteem worth your inheritence? You may think so - you're here because you want your inheritance, and it appears you don't really like your father but you do things to make it seem that you do, such as visiting him each weekend - and if you do, sign the document. Just know this - if you're being asked to sign something waiving your right to sue, this person may be able to attach more than the apartment after your father dies. By signing the document, you may be giving up more than the apartment. There's a reason your father doesn't want you reading it.

EDIT: Who is right? Between you and your husband? You aren't on opposing sides really. You both are only interested in your inheritance. Not once have you mentioned your father possibly being ripped off. Your husband goes as far as saying 'do whatever you need to do but get that money!'.

So hubby says suck up to the old bastard in hopes of getting to read the document. You say it won't do any good. All your husband said was give it a try. If it doesn't work, what harm has happened? How is your position different than it is now?

Maybe your father knows all you're interested in is your inheritance and you and your sis can't wait for him to finally kick off so you can get 'what's yours'. Maybe he doesn't care what's in that contract since he knows you're only interested in your financial gain and not his. He's trying to set up a reverse mortgage so he will have money to live on. He's not interested in what happens after he dies, and if he's a narcissist he can probably tell you're in it for the money. Regardless of this 'anti-sue' contract, if he takes a reverse mortgage, the property is gone. He's basically selling it without having to move out. Therefore, if you sign the contract, you lose the apartment. If you don't, you lose the apartment by being cut out of his will. Either way, the apartment is gone.

Amazing that you posted this very similar situation to the one I'm in a mere two months before I just posted mine: http://www.agingcare.com/Questions/My-p ... 153456.htm

I found yours a few minutes after posting that. I tried looking up info on this this week or last week but google was of no help.

I was looking for some case in which a parent was declared incompetent over having narcissism disorder and poa being given to whoever due to it. Obviously it would help if the parent has done recorded things that clearly were irrational and which endangered their financial situation. In my case it's somewhat obvious, since they abused me, and child abuse can lead not just to a loss of all you have, but your freedom, in addition to other crazy things they've done to no end.

So, basically you want control over their money because of their NPD...? Even if they were diagnosed, I don't think you have any claims to that, unless your parents became mentally incompetent and could not function. Even then, it would be an uphill battle.

I say, move on and try to be self-sufficient. The only "power" you have here is over yourself; and playing their money game isn't worth it. Maybe you could sue them for damages, but even so, making them pay is a different story.

I know you are angry they have money and you don't, but just because they are horrible people doesn't entitle you to their funds.