N mother *LONG*

Hi all...

I've recently realised that my mother probably has NPD. She's verbally abusive and was sexually abusive when I was younger. I'm really struggling to cope lately. Gradually I've found her more and more difficult to cope with and over time the old memories have increasingly forced themselves to the front of my mind and now I get triggered all the time by her attempts to contact me.

I'm not no-contact with her. I'm still financially dependent on my father for one more year so it's impossible for me to go no-contact with her. However, I have been trying to establish a boundary with her for the last 4 years about keeping chit-chat phone calls til after 10pm. My father has had no problem whatsoever with this and the only times he calls earlier are when he needs to go to bed early or if there's something important I must be informed of. My mother, however, persists in calling me all other times of the day before 10pm and once 10pm passes she stops. She calls incessantly until I answer. It is extremely frustrating and distracting in college or at work or when I'm with friends. If I don't (can't!) answer she gets my aunt to ring me, as if that's going to somehow change everything. She expects me to drop everything I'm doing to come running to the phone only for her to hurl abuse at me, or at best to ramble on about herself after interrogating me about what I'm doing, what I was doing the day before and what I'm doing next, and bossing me around.

She's getting more and more stubborn about it over time. Lately I've had a hard time with memories getting triggered by her calls and angry texts "answer ur fone" and between that and being sick, I just ignored the phone for two days. Then when I was at work the day after that she started calling at 7.30 and didn't stop all day until I found out from someone by total coincidence that she'd been trying to track down my workplace, calling up the national health service in hysterics pretending to fear for my safety. There was no evidence for her to fear for my safety and two days is a lot less than my father can go without hearing from me. She then passed my number out to other people that I don't know and getting them to call me incessantly as well. That was frightening. Then one of them texted me telling me to call my mother "urgently" and that she was calling the police. I finally texted her to tell her to stop this and that I was at work late and she'd have to call me later. She ignored that and still tried to call me, and I had to text her a second time to tell her to stop messing around. She sent an angry text back saying she "needed" to talk to me after my work. After work, I decided enough was enough and I bought a call blocking app for my phone and blocked her calls so I wouldn't have to put up with constant ringing. It hangs up automatically for me. She tried to call me twice that evening and I sent her a text just saying "After 10", to which she sent a grumpy reply saying that she wasn't going to call any more. That lasted about three or four days.

She's been pushing even more since I started really putting my foot down about this 10pm boundary. I am only definitely free after 10 every day for chit chat so it's pretty sensible to me and my father, but with her it's like dealing with an out-of-control spoilt toddler. Last week, she had been calling stubbornly again during the morning and afternoon and never after 10. I let the blocking app block the calls for me and if she was to call after 10 I would gladly pick up. One day then she called twice, got blocked, and then sent a text saying a letter had arrived for me. Kept it nice and vague to try and drag me into calling her. So I pondered it for a while before replying, with which I said it would be best to mail it on to me, and I reminded her to call after 10 if necessary. She didn't like that of course, so instead of doing as I said, she opened my mail, read it and told me what was in it, obviously needing desperately to cross some boundary of mine. And again I figured it was a 2-in-1 shot, disrespecting me with the aim of getting me to call her in the afternoon. So I didn't call back, proving I meant business, and it worked. She called me that night after 11pm so my father would be asleep already. I took the call as it was at the agreed time, but I had to confront her on her actions that day. I told her she should not have opened my mail without asking me, and she made lame excuses ("Well it wasn't that important after all..." etc.). I didn't accept it and repeated my principle, to which she responded with an attempt at changing the subject to a guilt-trip. Didn't work either, I kept reverting back to the unresolved problem. She then tried apologising sarcastically, and that didn't work on me, didn't get me raising my voice or swearing (I feel far too strongly about respect to reduce myself to that).

I then found myself confronting her on more than I'd intended to. She then said something that provoked me into confronting her about her verbal abuse, including complaining to me about my own birth. She started using classic gaslighting tactics ("you imagined it", "you're crazy", "you're not with it mentally", "I don't know what you're talking about"...) but I called her on gaslighting as well and she realised it wasn't working either, so she tried to scare me by threatening a face-to-face confrontation, to which I responded by pointing out that I was confronting her already. I added at that point that any future nasty phone calls would result in me hanging up. And finally, out of options, she made an dramatic threat of no more contact or financial support from her or my father (bluff, he can speak for himself, thanks...) and then hung up on me. I knew it was all a bluff and she proved me right a day and a half later, incessantly calling again and sending angry texts demanding that I pick up. Even more calls the next day. The day after that, yesterday, she changed tactics completely and called a couple of times, then sent a wonderfully innocent text as though nothing had happened at all, asking me about my old camera. As none of the calls were after 10, I ignored the lot. My father called me that evening at our normal agreed time and as always she was right beside the phone hanging onto my every word with my father. He was completely unaware of what had been going on. I didn't bring it up with him as he was really tired and she was right beside him probably bracing herself to lie her way out of it.

Today, I've had no bother from her at all. I guess she felt she got her fix by crashing my conversation with my father, but she always does that, so I'm not sure what is going to happen next. I'm in limbo now waiting for her to strike with something idiotic and dramatic. I'm wondering whether perhaps I should let her go ahead and call police next time? Without evidence of my being in danger would she be charged with wasting police time should they go tracking me down? And how do I deal with her lying to my father which she's bound to do? Is it likely to be more helpful to tell him about all this, as she does a great job of hiding her worst from him?

Any thoughts welcome!

Well, it's impossible to state she's NPD from a post, but your post certainly says she has some serious control issues.

If she calls the police, I doubt she'll be charged with a crime. Not receiving a response from you for days could mean nothing, but I know of 3 people that died alone, so after a few days the police were called and they went to check and found the bodies of each person. There are enough such stories that the view is 'better safe than sorry'.
If you think she's getting to a point where she'll call your local police, you could call them first and let them know. That way, when she calls them they'll inform her that you're fine - you just don't want to talk on the phone. That would be interesting.

What exactly do you want to tell your father, and what outcome do you hope to achieve?

Wow...what a read!

First, I commend you for maintaining strict boundaries with your mother. You did a great job there! Second, I think it's great that you recognize her tactics and realize that she's clearly the one with issues.

Because you've been so consistent in enforcing your boundaries, and calling her out on her erratic behavior, I think she will back down. She knows you are onto her, and because you didn't fall for her gaslighting and threats, she doesn't know what to do...so mom will "play nice" for a while; and hope you don't address her behavior with your father.

My advice would be to stay the course. In the event she does cook up something "idiotic and dramatic," ignore it. Then she will reveal herself as a kook. If she contacts the police, again...her behavior will be exposed and she will have to deal with it. (this is where she'll hang herself.)

Let you father in on her actions if she becomes erratic again. Tell him she's disrupting your studies, you fear for her mental health and that she needs professional assistance. He probably already knows that on some level, but doesn't want to admit it.

Thanks so much for replies guys and so sorry I was away since, my boyfriend took me on holiday!! A much-needed one at that...

@awakenow Thanks, I didn't actually realise that I could go to the police to inform them of the situation like that. Next time she decides to do that (as this probably won't be the last), I should definitely talk to them. The station's pretty much around the corner from me!
The reason I'd like to be able to tell my father about it is in hope that he could support me in setting my boundaries. My hope would be that he'd back me up a bit or something. I don't know if that's realistic though, he seems to make excuses for her when she's at her worst...

@BlueFlower - you're absolutely right, she's suddenly playing nice as though nothing happened at all! It's actually deeply disturbing to me that someone can do that. Anyway, now she's trying to pitch my sisters against me, but at least I recognised that too. (Sadly my sisters have inherited a lot of her behaviours and see fit to bully me when they perceive me as having done "wrong", and my going on a holiday certainly falls under that category to them.) Maybe I should have called her on it at the time, but I was extremely tired so I was soft and didn't put my foot down like I should have. She called me as I was on my way back from my holiday and still on the bus, it was only around 8.30 but I was in no mood for anyone giving me hassle. Well, I'll just have to toughen back up and confront her on it if my sister really does have a go at me. This is all so exhausting!!

Sure you can tell them! Just call them and let them know your mother may be calling because you aren't picking up the phone. Tell them you're fine and that they're more than free to give you a call just to make sure (they might have to respond to any call, so give them this option) and let them know your mom is not acting rational so you aren't speaking to her until she gets herself under control.

This way when she calls them, they won't waste their time going to your place. They can just let her know you're fine and not to worry.

Thanks so much for your advice, I'm thrilled to know I can prepare for another police-calling episode from her!

I've now got another problem. Important mail from college and from my previous landlord has arrived back home, and I really need it. I have exams to sit in a few weeks' time and I don't know the dates and times, and I really need the money from my deposit from where I used to live. But my mother won't send them to me, and my father is too busy to do it. She wants to use them as bait to drag me home and freak out at me the entire time I'm there.

I should probably give a bit of background story here... Things are so bad with my mother that I really genuinely cannot cope with her any more, and have gone to somewhat extreme measures to stay away from her for the summer. I can't deal with being brought to tears every single day by her evil. Last summer, I stayed here in the city where I'm studying and because I had only enough work to cover half my costs, I had to go on welfare but pretend that my job was full-time instead of part-time to convince my parents that I had no reason to stay with them for the summer. The stress made me sick for four months after summer and that is why I've ended up deferring half of last semester's exams. This summer though, due to being a registered full-time student (which I wasn't last year because I was on a gap-year), I'm not entitled to any welfare at all and this time found no work at all, so my unbelievably understanding and supportive boyfriend took a chunk out of some money he inherited from his grandmother to support me financially for the summer. He's now paying my rent and bills and feeding me, but of course I have to keep this secret from my family, so the version of the story that they have is that my part-time volunteer job is actually a full-time job Monday to Friday paying enough for me to get by plus a little extra, and that I have my other small Sunday job as church organist too (which is a lie - church hired me for September to June), which means that they think I'm not only making my own living entirely for the moment but I'm also unable to visit due to having engagements 6 days a week.

Hope that makes sense... Although it makes little sense that it's happening at all, but anyway...

So basically I technically can go home for a visit and get that mail, but I've set up my story so that they think I can't, and I really cannot go against that. So what she's hoping I'll do is something desperate like travel all the way there and back on a Saturday, which would mean on top of the 4-hour bus journey each way, two 20 minute drives home and back from the place where the bus stops, so that she can be alone in the car with me and explode at me and bring me to tears, and for all I know have me deliberately miss my bus so I have to miss church duty. Again, I don't actually have my church job until September again, but they need to think I do and I'm not THAT good an actress.

This has all been a huge distraction from my exams, and I've done hardly any work for them as a result, and I'm losing motivation for everything because it's weighing on my mind so much Thank goodness I had that holiday, it's saving my remaining sanity at the moment...!

Call the school and ask when exams are - that should solve that. Call the prior landlord and tell him you have a new address and ask that he re-issue the check.

You should have your address changed so you don't have issues in the future.

I guess I don't see why you can't tell your father that your mother won't send them but you need them, and ask him to please mail them to you.

I hate moaning by the way, but I've learned a lot from reading about other people's experiences with difficult situations so I don't do it just to moan and I really do appreciate every response I get.

Dear Survivor:

I've been where you are, so I can relate. Here's the thing:

You HAVE to think logically about your situation, then pull yourself up by your bootstraps. So far you've done a great job of staying away from home, but don't let you mother's antics cause you to fail school. It's not an option!!

Take Awake's advice. In the meantime, focus on school and form a plan so that you're not in this situation again. Hang in there. Your mother knows you're smart, so she's trying to derail your studies and sabotage your life. My mother did the same; but that became my motivation to succeed--so that I wouldn't have to go back an live in a house with that loon!

PS: If you need to return home, bring someone with you. Usually, Ns behave better when there's a potential "witness." Preferably, get someone that your mother likes, and can "suck up" to her while you're getting your stuff.

Good Luck! You CAN do this!

awakenow You're giving me amazing advice, thanks so much! I changed the address with my college but it looks like I have to change it with the music department itself too... oops...

Blueflower I'm sorry you've had to deal with similar experiences... thanks so much for sharing your insight with me! You're right, I can't let her ruin my education. I have to separate her from it as much as possible, physically as well as mentally!

I know for sure she's going to try destroying my chance to achieve a degree as her last resort, because she did the same with my final year in secondary school. I was the last kid left and the others were gone to college or work, so conveniently, no witnesses. I used to come home from school at 5pm after leaving at 7.30am, and there'd be no meal for me to eat, not even the ingredients to make a dinner or even a decent sandwich. I used to eat toast after school and that was my dinner. And she used to come collect me from school twice a week, picking me up half an hour early and driving us miles off to a supermarket and insisting I hang around the groceries with her so that I couldn't do my homework or study for my final exams. At weekends she would make herself scarce early in the morning, leaving me to help my father on the farm and do all of the housework for her (though I'd been doing that since I was a child anyway). And there was the usual insane verbal abuse etc.

The summer before that, I had my first solo concert coming up, and I was working on the farm, doing all the housework and working a part-time job while at the same time trying to prepare an hour-long program for a piano recital, organise a venue, piano hire, sponsorship for the piano hire, getting the charity logo for the posters, and selling and booking tickets, all in 8 weeks at the age of 17. Every time I asked her to bring me somewhere to put up posters, she said "no". I asked why and she sulked and didn't give an explanation. She also volunteered me for things I didn't have time to do, such as babysitting, not telling me until about an hour beforehand.

Luckily she failed completely with both attempts to sabotage my success, and I came out with good results both times - though I could have done potentially better with both without her in the picture. So I can see that this is already starting to happen again, only she might do much worse, because she has little personal gain to get from this i.e. it's harder for her to interpret my achieving a degree in music as herself achieving it, so I fear she'll get more and more extreme the closer I get to the end of my final year.

Just now she tried to call me three times. I've had to put a call blocking app on my phone and pretend vaguely that there's something wrong with my phone, and pretend that I'm just taking my time about getting it sorted out... I've done this because it's better than having to wait for my phone to ring out while she calls incessantly, so it's less stressful! She deliberately calls before 10pm, because 10pm is my boundary that I've set with my father and she is being like a naughty toddler and refusing to respect it like he does. I already took a call from her before 10 within the last week and I must balance it out with no more pre-10pm calls for a while, or else she'll get too much of what she wants and keep grabbing at it. So childish but at least I've become able to predict it!

She doesn't respect me now any more than when I was a child. She sexually abused me as a child and my father doesn't know about it. She always did it with that sick screwed-up narcissist smirk. I've discovered that that's a sort of trademark thing among Ns. She also used to take away things I treasured as a kid. One example was when we came home from school one day and called me up to the kitchen, and said, "You know your stone and shell collection?" I had a collection of pretty stones and shells, which I was very fond of. I said, "Ya", and she said, "Well, I threw it out over the back wall today." And she stood there smirking at me. I was about 10 at the time. She did the same with things I used to make (loved arts and crafts as a kid), turned up her nose at gifts or pitted us against each other by comparing gifts in front of us... I could go on forever I guess, just feels good to rant about it especially now that I understand why she did, and continues to do, all this sick stuff. I've already begun to prepare myself mentally for a shock message from her about throwing out precious childhood toys etc., starting to remind myself that she can take away material objects, but she can't actually take away the memories themselves, and I'm not going to let her taint those.

I came home from my holiday last weekend and she smirked about telling my jealous sister about my holiday, and about how angry she'd made her react and how she knew that the way she said it would rise her temper. She did this because last year, when I disclosed a diagnosis of Aspergers to my family and then to my friends, my siblings started bullying me online and I foolishly mentioned it to my mother. I know better now - but it's still really hard work reminding myself that every time she interacts with me in any way, there's some kind of sinister intention behind it. I realised lately that I have no good memories of her at all, because each time something nice happened she followed it up with something as cruel as possible - or else she made the nice stuff all about herself entirely, taking away any enjoyment from anyone else.

I've put "Irrational!!" down as her surname in my phone. That's helped me remember that she's not mentally sound and not to take her madness on board. It's still hard work and I still get fearful every time I hear the phone ring, even when it turns out to be someone else. I'm fed up of the fear... I had a good cry about it all a few days ago, which helped for a while, but I feel like I'm going around in circles again. Do you have any other tips, maybe on how to stop myself sharing anything personal over the phone without being too obvious...? I'm so sorry my posts are so long, I guess it's all just spilling out!! It's all so ridiculous!