Self Improvement

Makky wrote:May I ask. Is she a therapist that you pay privately for? Or rather an actual psychologist?

I'm just wondering. If you have a PD it can be bad for the future if you need to go to court or yadda yadda.

I was seeing an actual psychologist, but after determining that i need no drugs (although i have been prescribed lorazepam in high school, but of course my parents never got them for me since they assumed nothing was wrong and i just abuse it), he sent me to a psychotherapist. I pay her through the University services

EDIT: i had a kind of bizarre experience recently. As i stated before, i got very irritated when my therapist started catching on to me. Of course, i knew she inevitably would, since i told her so much about my emotions and how i perceive situations, but it still made me feel extremely uncomfortable.

Sunday after my appointment, a lady driving slowly in her car was acting as though she was looking for a lost dog. She was saying "puppppyyy......puppppyyyy" and squeaking a squeak toy up and down the streets for a couple hours. I just stared at her every time she looked, and i think she got the point that i knew she was wacky. After a couple hours, she went on foot, and started looking for her "dog". At this time, there was a lightning storm and it was raining lightly. She kept up the act still. After two more hours, she walked right by my front porch where i was smoking a cigarette, and i asked if she needed anything. Before i even asked, she realized i was on to her and waved at me with a big goofy smile. She was talking happily but looked sad. I just knew she was hiding something for the past 5 hours, and finally when we talked to her my roommate agreed that she was insane. When we asked if she needed help, she went on about a 15 second tangent answering questions we never asked. She said no no i found the dog and stuff but the way she said it and her face just screamed insanity. I am not sure how to exactly put it into words but trust me she was godam insane.

Anyway, after that i started seeing very weird things. I saw the same car drive by going one way, than the other way within about 10 seconds. I feel as if ever car driving by was watching me. My roommate started joking that she was a serial killer, and although ridiculous, this just made it worse.

I almost feel like, the more i expose myself to my therapist, the more this may happen. I feel like everyone is after me and knows me. Once i went to the gym and got stalked by the girl working there and had a couple friends come up to me and watch me lift while they chewed my ear off, i felt better again naturally. But still, i am freaked out that after this Friday, the same weird stuff will happen. I am considering dropping counseling but, obviously, my therapist insist i stay even after my 2 week break to go back home for summer.

I'm fine now, just bracing myself for the next session.

So what are you looking for from this therapist?

I don't mean a way to somehow be better but what is it you would actually want from them? Can they give it or are you just pouring out your heart to find yourself stuck in a situation where they start recommending Cognitive therapy and the like.

That's too much hard work and if you have even the tiniest bit of pride you wouldn't want to change.

I would love to experience reality. But what doctor can give you that?

I think she will help me figure out my triggers. Also, she would be a good person to hear her perception of my situation so that i have a better gauge on how i can control my behaviors, or better yet, use them in which specific situations.

I made it clear to her last session that my goal is to be happy. I made her state that her goals were alined with mine. And at the end of the session, i reiterated the fact that being happy meant embracing my narc tendencies