clueless....HELP!!!!

I broke up with my NPD boyfriend last Saturday ( I figured he is a NPD 2 days after the break up). A week before I officially broke up with him, I decided to be single in my head. I didn’t call or sms him and to my surprise that week he called me desperately everyday. Since I had plans almost every day of that week, I turned him down although he insisted and later gave up sounding sad and hurt, when I didn’t change my plans for him. On Friday evening I went out drinking with one of my guy friends. My bf kept messaging me and whenever I took more than 10 minutes to reply, he would send an offensive message like ‘why the hell aren’t you replying? What are you so busy with?’. When I told him I was out having a drink he replied ‘where are you? Who is your company? Its getting late and I am worried’. I was shocked to see this change in him. Later to my amazement, he dropped down to the bar and was not very friendly towards my friend. This is how he used to behave during the 1st month of us together. When we walked up to my car, he held my hand to guide me and sat in the front passenger seat, which I am guessing was to mark his territory.
I dropped my friend off and then parked in front of my bf’s dorm, he was not in a pleasant mood and he made it very obvious by storming out of the car. I was a bit high plus I could feel the power that I felt I had over him which had built up over the week and so I was a bit amused. I could see that he was maybe finally getting to taste his own medicine. He told me that I was the only person besides his family that he could talk to about this particular matter and I was busy drinking and therefore, he is annoyed. He flunked again for the 3rd time. To approve another year of study he had to get a letter from the student councilor. He told the councilor about his drinking problem and that he never worries about anything and feels that everything will fall in place by itself. The councilor told him that it is a condition and that it would be advisable to see a therapist. Since this is the last chance for him to perform well in studies and pass with a degree, he has decided to quit drinking and that he will start jogging in the mornings. As I was digesting all this information, he told me that he has also decided to go off SEX for a year. It didn’t really make sense to me at that time but I said it was okay with me.

When I got back home, I looked back at my week and decided I was happy being single. Also, his no sex clause confused me. I thought maybe he was seeing or planning to see somebody new, although he didn’t mention anything about breaking up.

Next afternoon I met him over coffee and told him that this ‘relationship’ isn’t working for me and I want out. It didn’t even feel like a relationship, I didn’t feel emotionally or mentally connected to him. Also whenever I asked about the future he said he doesn’t plan for the future and takes one day at a time and I want to get married and have kids. He kept staring at me, without saying much with a concerned look on his face. He agreed that the relationship was sort of dead (I guess that he felt so because for the past 3 weeks or so I was cranky borderline bitch, wanted to know about his level of commitment and had refused to pay for his booze). He felt he was going down and was dragging me along with him. Also, that he can’t give me what I need. But he wanted for us to remain friends and hang out. I refused, told him I don’t even want to see his face and will ignore him if our paths ever crossed. He looked hurt, asked me 3 times to reconsider but I refused. I wanted my closure. He dropped me to my car and left.

2 days later (Monday) he messaged me asking for a loan. I didn’t reply. 2 days (Wednesday) after that he again sent me a text asking for money and saying he was desperate. He called once when I didn’t reply, but I didn’t pick.

It’s been 5 days since (monday), and I am beginning to miss him. Is this normal? I know he is not capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved but I loved him despite all his flaws and shortcomings. Also, now I can feel how lonely and depressed he must be on the inside (although he always surrounds himself with friends). I doubt if any of his other friends know what it is to feel like he does. Although I am no master in this area, I can now understand why he wasn’t supportive of my accomplishments or emotionally close or why he tried to control me by setting up all the rules. I feel if I had known he was suffering from this disorder, I would have handled our relationship completely differently. I feel he really needs a lot of emotional support right now, since his family is fed up of him for not performing well in studies and his friends are shying away from his for he is financially unstable and is living off them.

Please advice. Should I contact him or should I wait for him to get in touch with me and whether this is the right direction or should I run like I did and follow no contact? I am completely clueless

Sun, since you PMed me , I'm going to answer.

I highly doubt that he has NPD. But you two want different things from life. He was a jerk to you and you ended the relationship in your mind. NPD or no NPD , I suggest you move on and find someone you can connect with. If you keep in touch with him you will not be able to get over him.

Good luck.

Why don't you let his family know what he's going through and your concerns so they could provide support for him?

Sounds to me like you were in the wrong and that you're playing now with his feelings.

Good work. Now have a string of pointless sexual encounters with other people and you'll get him back.

We often are enticed by our own strong emotions to maintain relationships longer than we should. Perhaps it is a saviour complex that has you questioning your resolve to have nothing more to do with this man. You don't want to be the one who tells him no and lets him fail himself. But in that thought lies a problem. You are thinking the solution for him is you and not him working on himself.
You have been an enabler for months. You have fed his drinking habit that he believes contributed to his poor grades. He is not going to get better until he owns his own problems. Perhaps he does need money but you can't guarantee he will spend your money wisely. The type of support and the length of support he will need to turn his life around is likely to be well beyond your capacity. He needs to reconnect with his family. At this time of his life,he doesn't have the credentials to do well at uni. Even if he got the bit of paper, he wouldn't have the confidence to fly with it. He may really be doing something he has no affinity for. He needs to reassess his life and you need to move on and deal with your own issues. Just check if your direction is right. A bit of time solo might improve your discernment.

Thank you all for replying.

@coloroftruthisgray I had described his Narc behaviour in my earlier post. But since you know better, and now that I think of it, maybe he just displays NPD behaviour. Although he admits he is a pathological liar and does his pulling away act way too often when I don’t

@lodi dodi I have not been introduced to his family yet.
@Makky in my earlier post I mentioned his treatment towards me. How he treated me like a goddess at first and then also admitted to control his ‘women’ by telling them when to meet and where to meet etc. but I miss him, although all of my friends and some of his, don’t understand why I am still with him and that he is not good enough for him since he is using me. Also, I don’t sleep around. I have had 3 boyfriends, but this is the only one I have slept with.

@margharris thank you. I think you are right, I saw him drink everyday but it was after 4 months of being together that I firmly asked him to control his drinking habits. Perhaps I was afraid he would break up with me. Maybe he does blame me for his failure to some extent but I don’t know how going off sex for a year will help. It does sound like he now wants us to be just friends.

Anyway, he texted last night. We exchanged a dozen messages. He is pissed with me for exploding the break up in his face and thinks I came prepared with my speech and that I am very stubborn at times. He wants us to meet but I am not sure if that’s a good idea.

-- Tue May 29, 2012 4:20 am --

@coloroftruthisgray I had described his Narc behaviour in my earlier post. But since you know better, and now that I think of it, maybe he just displays NPD behaviour. Although he admits he is a pathological liar and does his pulling away act way too often when I don’t act as per his wishes.

sun wrote:
It’s been 5 days since (monday), and I am beginning to miss him. Is this normal? I know he is not capable of loving me the way I deserve to be loved but I loved him despite all his flaws and shortcomings. Also, now I can feel how lonely and depressed he must be on the inside (although he always surrounds himself with friends). I doubt if any of his other friends know what it is to feel like he does. Although I am no master in this area, I can now understand why he wasn’t supportive of my accomplishments or emotionally close or why he tried to control me by setting up all the rules. I feel if I had known he was suffering from this disorder, I would have handled our relationship completely differently. I feel he really needs a lot of emotional support right now, since his family is fed up of him for not performing well in studies and his friends are shying away from his for he is financially unstable and is living off them.

It does not matter what we say. This paragraph screams of wanting him back in your life. I have little doubt that you will be contacting him shortly, regardless of what we tell you.

Although he admits he is a pathological liar and does his pulling away act way too often when I don’t act as per his wishes.

So you're asking us if you should get back together with a pathological liar who has drinking problems and no means of supporting himself?

Why do women do this to themselves , I ask all of you?!!!

Yup, he messaged this morning, 'keeping aside our last night's talks, I want to meet you. What is a good time?'. I replied 'sometime in the evening', but he is already at our hang out, so will be seeing him in another hour or so.
I am such a hopeless, am I not?
Although I plan to tread carefully.
Will keep you all informed, if you want me to that is.

Do whatever you like , but don't come back here 3 months later and post my ex-Narc ruined me. We warned you , you didn't care.

Just know that he's not gonna change.