Do People That Push People Away Simply Have NPD?

I was thinking today about all my previous relationships with individuals, that meant something to me.

I realized that I've had numerous close relationships/crushes in my youth with 'straight' men. Keep in mind, I was also 'straight' back then to all of these individuals. Sometimes the feelings were mutual, sometimes it was all in my mind. I had over 10 of these in several years.

Then, once I 'came out' as gay, I surrounded myself exclusively around gay people. I had my chances at extremely attractive individuals and for over a decade, not one, out of literally thousands of people I met over this decade, did I ever find the interest to pursue romantically. The most I wanted from them was a physical encounter and nothing more.

And thus I became known as the individual that only liked 'straight guys' for a decade.

I was thinking today. I was attracted to these 'straight' men, as I knew our relationship would never reach a close, intimate level of care, affection and intimacy. I honestly loved many of these individuals and some of them lasted for a year or longer. Not once did any of these 'relationships' involve showing of care, intimacy or affection, as we never once admitted our true feelings for one another and could exist on a 'surface' level only. Even though we both sometimes knew what was going on. I think back now, and as soon as some of these individuals started showing care, affection and intimacy, I immediately lost all interest in them overnight and avoided them like the plague.

I have realized that, my mind immediately shuts off any potential chance of a relationship with someone, if I can sense that they will potentially want intimacy, caring and sharing of emotions and feelings with me. If I can sense the person will not ever request this, then I will pursue them potentially romantically. If I meet a guy I like, and think might be in the closet, I will have serious interest. If I later find out he is gay, all of a sudden, those feelings are immediately dismissed.

---------
So this made me think. When people say they push people away from them that try to get close to them... do they simply have NPD or another PD?

Therapists and counselors and all we read, hear and say will most assuredly say this cause and affect is due to the person having a troubled past, childhood, previous bad relationship experience, etc.. and not once mention a PD of any kind, as the potential cause.

I have pushed people away that tried to get close to me my entire life and I simply thought it was due to an individual in the past that hurt me or something else... But now I realize it isn't. I have always been like this since I've been a kid and realized I was different. Nobody hurt me or abused me as a child. There is no logical rationale as to why I would push people away from me my entire life that tried to get close to me when I think about it.

So is it because of NPD? Anyone else with NPD relate to this?

svenska500 wrote: Or does the person have NPD or another personality disorder?

[pursuit of the unavailable] can be a lot of things, but in your case i would suggest having a look at HPD. this PD seems to be related under the surface to NPD, but is a little more attention seeking, flamboyant and superficially sexual, while denying intimacy. might be worth a look.

perhaps it's the cinnamon spicing your coffee.

Pushing people away emotionally happens all the time, with all sorts of people, in many healthy and unhealthy situations.

I've chosen to push away many men that were genuinely good men and crazy about me, in favor of drug abusers and narcs. I don't have a personality disorder, but definitely have low self esteem. In a way, I didn't believe they were sincere in their affection.

Obviously, the above isn't all that healthy, but there are healthy reasons.... like finishing commitments or not getting involved when circumstances can not work out with life plans.

Not being emotionally available all the time doesn't make you a NPD'er.

marycarterpaint wrote:

svenska500 wrote: Or does the person have NPD or another personality disorder?

[pursuit of the unavailable] can be a lot of things, but in your case i would suggest having a look at HPD. this PD seems to be related under the surface to NPD, but is a little more attention seeking, flamboyant and superficially sexual, while denying intimacy. might be worth a look.

perhaps it's the cinnamon spicing your coffee.

This is definitely not related to [pursuit of the unavailable]. There are many individuals that are absolutely amazing and unattainable. They are attractive, charismatic, well-built and 'unavailable'. I could care less, if they are gay. They are the same to me, as the available.

I understand we all want what we cannot have, that is simply human nature. This is different.

I have never even been interested in these individuals long enough, to realize if they are unavailable or not. If I knew they were gay, I immediately lost any potential interest in pursuing them or having them pursue me.

The narc that broke me and still affects me, seeked me out. In the beginning I pushed him away. He would not leave me alone and I was about to block his number, as he was becoming annoying. I was having a really bad night and he told me he was coming over and we were going to go out and talk about it. I was in such a bad state, I reluctantly agreed.

Unfortunately I told him that I was never interesting in dating or becoming involved with gay guys. I told him that I had never been on a date with a gay guy and the only individual I was ever felt anything for were straight guys that showed me 'lack of care, affection, intimacy, etc..'

Little did i know, I gave him the keys to the kingdom that evening.

And from that day forward, he showed lack of care, affection, intimacy, etc.. This is what drew me close to him.. and he knew it every step of the way.

As I said before, if this individual ever told me he cared about me, showing affection, intimacy, etc.. I would immediately feel repulsed and disgusted and be able to drop him from my mind overnight. Until he does that though.. he is still the first love I've had in over a decade. He is as close to one of my former straight relationships as I ever had and he still means quite much to me; even after all he did.

svenska500 wrote:I understand we all want what we cannot have, that is simply human nature.

no, most people are relatively content with their lot. it's narcs that are the discontented scorekeepers.

seems like the hpd suggestion is off (from your symptomatic description), from what i understand they are more flirty/playful, but still seeking from the available pool, and merely lose interest once the prey is caught. not specifically attracted as a function of utter unavailability, as you describe.

i suppose it is just another example of your exquisite and utter uniqueness. have i ever told you how special you are?

Sven, I thought you had more insight than this. Don't start with the "Do narcissists do/don't" crap now.

This is definitely not related to [pursuit of the unavailable]. There are many individuals that are absolutely amazing and unattainable. They are attractive, charismatic, well-built and 'unavailable'. I could care less, if they are gay. They are the same to me, as the available.

No, this is exactly seeking the unavailable and its remarkably normal. Many if not most straight girls date jackasses, that they can't fix, because of daddy issues. Many straight guys find a messed up girl to protect and fail miserably because his mother was messed up in some way. Gay folks, myself included, get infatuations with straight people just because their straight.

Also, falling head over heels with somebody that won't give a person the time of day is normal since people, all people, like the chase yet subconsciously don't want the relationship...so the impossible to get mate is perfect. Whether the person is married, gay, straight, or Barney doesn't matter. Its common.

Its also common for people to push and/or reject people just because they are attainable. If you want proof just read some blogs about how they're aren't any good men out there...the same women will call "nice guys" every nasty name in the book. It has nothing to do with PD's and you're bright enough to know this.

Euler wrote:No, this is exactly seeking the unavailable and its remarkably normal. Many if not most straight girls date jackasses, that they can't fix, because of daddy issues. Many straight guys find a messed up girl to protect and fail miserably because his mother was messed up in some way. Gay folks, myself included, get infatuations with straight people just because their straight.

It was simply a question posed to others with NPD. I thought that perhaps all the individuals that pushed people away simply because of the mere possibility of intimacy, caring, affection (all traits that the NPD avoids at all cost) could be individuals affected by a PD and thought perhaps there could be some correlation, instead of due to a prior life experience.

I've been doing this since I was 5 as I can recall. And at 5 I also realized i was 'different'. No abuse and/or bad experiences I can recall in my childhood.

No, such behavior is common amongst all types of people. Would Narcissist be a sub-population that does this, possibly but that doesn't imply that such behavior is out of the norm.

I'd agree that seeking the unattainable and/or pushing people away is a pretty wide category, NPD is just a small subset within that and way more complicated.

But a good starting point looking at this tendency in general might be the three main attachment styles in people - secure attachment, ambivalent attachment and then lastly avoidant attachment. They all have their roots in childhood.

I know you don't have or want kids lol so this may seem an odd suggestion but you can look into 'Attachment Parenting' for good info on all the attachment styles and how they evolve in people and how they might be relevant to you.

I've been reading alot of the blogs here. HPD's get disgusted when someone needs them. They seem to get alot of energy out of the pursuit but like NPD's get almost nauseated and suffocated when their lover wants some kind of guarantee or commitment or has needs. It's not a conscious choice, it's like the NPD or HPD's need for survival depends on getting free from what feels like a hollow dead tree laying on top of them (because they just inadvertently sucked their life force out of them). Non's feel very betrayed by this of course because of their need for a continuum of relating. HPD and NPD also need a continuum of relating but not in a the way nons do. What works for a non appears to suffocate a NPD or HPD. So those PD's push nons away so they can breathe. It doesn't appear like they are being mean from a manipulation stand point. It's more like survival stuff. "I need you now come here, thank you." " I don't need you now because I am feeling cramped go away." In both cases if you do not come here fast enough or go away fast enough internal hell breaks loose. PD's can not self regulate, so it's all about regulating their environment. HPD gets lonely fast needs constant supply, needs to be super special then needs to be alone. It's all their way to self regulate. Nons don't need to throw someone off a cliff to have alone time or bring back someone from the dead to be entertained but HPD's and NPD's do. Of course NPD's method is very different than HPD's, a elite robot archetype vs a street hooker archetype...