lodi dodi wrote:You have a particular theme going that stems from the ill-content of your upbringing (the things that are the focus of your contempts).
True story. Probably
lodi dodi wrote:Your defense mechanism of choice is narcissism. I believe this is learned from your environment/nuture (mom's perfectionism) and also used in defense against it.
Sure, ok. The two last claims are definitely true, but I am still not sure it's Narcissism
per say, more like something similar, or parts of it, but no need to split hairs.
lodi dodi wrote:You haven't been completely consumed by it, though; you made/make efforts to be reasonable.
Well, just to clarify: I think I've always been reasonable AFAIK - it didn't come after "the Narcissism".. My parents both have IQs of 130, mine is 125 (SD 15), and I was always interested in philosophy, mathematics, science++ - or most of all: Logic.. Learned to read by myself before starting school, and so on (I'm mostly self-taught English as well), and like most people in the computer profession self-taught that as well... And most people will disregard numerology and so fourth; and feel free to do so, but I also feel like throwing in that both me and my mom's got the '7' of numerology: Magic, logic and analysis. I'm not really (trying) to defend myself as much, or at all, as I am just sharing my experience - in case this might be relevant in some way.
And having a past/the recurrent theme of being misunderstood, I prefer to be elaborate or/and talk a lot to reduce the chance of misunderstanding (though more frequently judged as a 'weirdo' because of it + tranquilizing people)
lodi dodi wrote:But if you further acquire negative baggage in the future, and depending on how bad they are, you might indulge further into narcissm/pathology.
What do you think about the contrary, though? Or is what you're already saying here that because it isn't already pathological, then my behavior w.e can be restored/cured whatever?
lodi dodi wrote:You look down on people for their primitive/convenient behavior and you discount everything else that makes people, people (or you're unaware of them).
What makes people people? Or do you mean what makes people sheeple? Yeah I do "look down" on those :p - but behold ;p, not because they're different than me, but because they directly bother me with it - because they will go out on their witch hunts, or will condemn me, or violently reject me from their group just for my deviant opinions, not because of my behavior - I can be withdrawn, friendly and supportive.
Like the Atheists says, "we don't mind you being Christian as long as you won't mind us being Atheist". The problem I have with "utterly lazy people" or as I think you called it, "convenient behavior", is that they're wasting humanity/society's resources when someone else deserve it more: i.e. starving, dying children.
Anyway I don't emotionally have a grudge on these people - heck I'd love, and do love convenience and laziness, I only condemn this misplacement of resources (and this may also include lazy people's public display if it's arrogant or bothersome in this same respect).
lodi dodi wrote:You sound isolated, and you chose this path or that's just how things transpired.
Moving 11 times throughout childhood, frequently being misunderstood (because of history/emotional damage etc), almost always lacking/not meeting people with common interests, etc. I started isolating myself from age 14 or 15, sitting on the computer, until age 18, moving out to a youth home for a year, still sat much on the computer, then back home, now 21 and I still sit mostly or almost solely on the computer, but finally moved out: just finished buying backpacking gear, and I sometimes go out to play with juggling or whatever (I want to do much more, but as mentioned: this city is a depression - the only sports available is Soccer for teens and Basketball, most people are on welfare, are criminals, drug addicts, and so on... I thought of the city one day as 'a huge inferiority complex ' because the remaining "healthy" people always seem to be struck by an inferiority complex: arrogantly talking like they know everything, or they're the best at their field or whatever - but they aren't, there's almost no known people in this city, so it's all made up)
lodi dodi wrote:But because you're unable to or not have achieved fitting in/making friends, form solid relationships/connections, you justified it which consists putting yourself on a pedestal.
I don't know what 'solid relationships' mean or what the definition of that is, but I think I've had a few - basically meeting people with common interests, and we got along greatly.. the problem is that these kids moved. :p who'd figure.
lodi dodi wrote:I think I missed why you're seeking insights into yourself, is it because you're having issues with your emotions?
Uhm... There's a variety of reasons...
1. ALWAYS been interested. I also spent years (though spread out) from age 17-19 or so on trying to find out about psychological phenomenons resonating with me and my family/mother. And I was already trying to find out at age 14, but didn't have the means to do so. But at age 19 I got tired of it, and sort of decided that there's really nothing being accurate enough: I have a little of most of these diseases, and you can always exaggerate any of them to fit me, but none which fits in any way on the spot in an obvious/blatant way.
2. The reason I went back to having to care now was that I'll either have to start working soon, because I'm not diagnosed with anything (the psychologist who thought I had Narcissism, though obviously not testing me properly and barely knowing me, said that, "you fit all the criteria for the Narcissistic disorder, but I don't think this diagnosis would be constructive for you at the moment"), so I'm considered normal and healthy as far as the system is aware,or
I probably won't get any money at all.
And this isn't necessary an ultimatum, because I'm putting it simplified here, so I'm not _very_ worried that I won't get any more welfare, but this is certainly one of the reasons.
3. I'm still trying to find out whether there's something wrong with me or most others.
I.e. if I actually fall straightly under NPD, and that NPD is an actual science of pathologically destructive and manipulative people, or if what people try to categorize me as is like Borderline and Schizotypal has been frequently criticized for: just being catch-groups for any form of deviancy or troubles. The Wikipedia article tries to differentiate i.e. Astrology and Magical Thinking, but where do they really draw such lines.
Basically, as well known, many of the most important people in history has had some kind of disorder, and extreme opinions. And what I really want, and have always wanted to see, is the most clear signs that I'm pathological in contrast to important people in history - basically to see the most clear as possible way what forms of deviancy is unhealthy and why - or basically to be self-aware of whatever Demonic deviancy or disorder I have. Because of course, by the very definition, if no one is deviant then everyone are alike. How constructive can that be?
And indeed Psychology is still considered a pseudo-science in these aspects.
Thanks for input/feedback, and of course keep it coming/replying if you want to - I want you to
Edit: JUST REMEMBERED! I think the most dominant reason is that I had a small breakdown/meltdown whatever and raged - I forgot what the reason was, probably a game, and threw something not very hard at my TV, and the screen broke, so I smashed it completely up and threw it out. I almost don't give a $#%^ about the TV - I only watch downloaded movies or DVD or stuff like that on it anyway, the only emotions I had about it is that my aunts and 1 of their boyfriends helped out paying for it, so I felt pretty-, and still feel somewhat sad about that. So my reaction soon after was something like "$#%^ I gotta figure this anger $#%^ out so I don't do this stupid $#%^ again - this is unhealthy" - so a sort of "crisis", as I had another kind of meltdown the day after I think primarily or only because of the emotions about feeling bad about destroying the TV because of my aunts' support, and so I Googled a bit, found liveperson.com which offers 3 free minutes with a shrink xD, figured cool, why not, "got hooked" - finished the entire 20 min session, and so I've just started talking about my stuff/life with what I finally feel is a much more competent person: very good at asking engaging rather than stereotypical questions, being nice and sweet, ++.
Then pending a reply to my e-mail to this person, I decided to Google some more a couple days later - that is yesterday, or the day before that. Watched some more Borderline documentaries and so forth, as I believe my Mom is a BPD (with possibly some
AsPD/NPD in there), and came here to read more about BPD/others stories, etc, and after 30 min lurking I got "impatient" and just wrote a thread about whether my mom might have BPD and I NPD.