Seeing as it got introduced as a factoid by someone else who has opinions but not the full story
, I'll explain Klesuo.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down-low_(sexual_slang)
My partner doesn't fit that criteria for a number of reasons, including he's not secretive about it with me, nor actively participating in the behavior for some time now. He was having sexual relations with people before we started having a relationship because he's an adult lol - everybody has a history - and I'm not naive about what people get up to in their private lives and don't get all torn up over something I have no right to complain about nor have any control over - his past history pre-Me.
As far as my relationship with him is concerned, neither of us want to do anything that we both believe as born-again Christians should be kept for within marriage and are maintaining an abstinent stance - him since he got saved, me since I got widowed (I've been a Christian a long time). Our faith is important to us, if not key
to the relationship as a whole (hence my ID - "Then Peter came up to Him and said, Lord, how many times may my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? [As many as] up to seven times? Jesus answered him, I tell you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven!" from http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+18&version=AMP
in full context). But wants are not always actions and from time to time in the early days for him pre-salvation, he would get his itches scratched, shall we say, and he also did lots of other things that Narcissists do that are not conducive to a happy home as you can imagine...
I'm not an infidelity kinda gal and he would rather be loved well than casually sexed-up. There are things from his childhood that have influenced his sexuality that I won't be going into but there's some bad shash in there, sadly. Until he's come to terms with that, there will always be issues I imagine and I feel the responsibility as his life partner for showing him that he's not going to get punished or rejected if he gets a bit entangled in learned maladaptive behaviors from time to time, that he's forgiven when he slips into Supply mode in that way and we move forward together - you can read into that scenario, I won't be saying more on it.
We have agreed that it's best to remain unmarried for the time being - he can't commit adultery if there's no marriage - and we have separate homes and bank accounts because he's still not so good at being financially responsible or keeping a home without it becoming a messy hovel lol. I have a policy that I do not lend large sums of money to him, I only give what I can afford as a gift that doesn't need repaying and if I can't afford to do that sometimes, he doesn't get any and that's fine, he doesn't push it! I just think of it as an investment in Us - what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine. That has led to him starting to be generous too and treat me to stuff, which is cool. Because we do have a love commitment even without the rings 'n' paperwork, we do treat Us as a married, single unit in the sense of being a team where if one hurts, the other is affected and if one makes a plan, the other is taken into consideration and all things are discussed out of 'oneness' respect. It's a bit like 'marriage-in-training' I suppose. We have the best of both worlds, we both get the love, fun, stability and support and also enough space for ourselves as individuals so we don't get co-dependent or one of us ends up getting over-burdened with boring responsibilities and the other lazy, this is better while he works on the NPD and having his first major relationship.
Because sex is off the table, we've had to really get to know one another and work on love coming from the friendship and respect. That is something I'm totally
glad we did, other people often say they wish they had a closeness like we do. It's no great mystery why we get on so well, it's just being interested in sharing and learning hopes, dreams, ideas, getting to know one another. Whereas a lot of people have to plan a certain diary time for 'Date Night', every night is Date Night for us. If things get a bit hot 'n' heavy leaning, we stop & go out somewhere - theatre, cinema, dance class, beach, video store, do a hobby, or we ask friends over, read a chapter of a book together and discuss, file paperwork, polish shoes, do a Bible study or have a prayer sesh
We cool down and have something else to chatter about too. When we're in different cities or countries at times, it's easier to keep things normal because we just chatter away and do things together like we usually do - the tip is to keep it inventive!
I know he's a man so I don't get all, "How are you feeling now? Tell me your feelings, tell me!" because he can find it boring as men generally do, I've found lol. Him having NPD just cuts out the middle ground of him being moody because I've offended him and he chews on it silently, instead, if he doesn't want to talk about something in particular, he just changes the subject abruptly & we talk about something else, I have girlfriends or God to talk to for emotional spills. The NPD also helps me remember to keep things upbeat, happy & fun too and chill out on irritations so they don't snowball, it's not a life full of drama, anxiety & more angsty drama because his potential rages don't allow for that. We find solutions to problems more quickly so resentment can't
EarlyMorning wrote: I think I could handle that better than another woman. If I had to chose.
I agree, there's no competition or introspective paranoia you can have about yourself. No random baby mamas are gonna show up lol! All infidelity is hurtful to trust no matter who it's with & there's always STI's to consider but for us, it's not so much of an issue these days anyway. I'd still like to understand it in relation to his NPD some more but it's from an understanding perspective rather than a defend-against-it perspective.
Ah, I see Blue has answered the down-low thing while I've been typing
Sorry you had such a bad time with your N exes