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Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationships?

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Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationships?

Postby klesuo » Wed Mar 28, 2012 10:07 pm

I am reading all kinds of very depressing posts regarding Narcissists. Are there any out there that can say they have had long, fruitful and/or pleasant relationships?

I am pretty sure that there is no hope for me staying with my clinically diagnosed Narcissistic boyfriend. Yet I am still curious after reading all of this, how often do NPD people have really good romantic relationships? (If at all) And also, I think my dad has a lesser degree of NPD.. pretty sure. And he has certainly never been able to keep a happy relationship with a woman.
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby seventytimes7 » Wed Mar 28, 2012 11:25 pm

Hi Klesuo :D ,

I've been in a relationship with my N partner for quite a number of years - sorry, won't say how many but it does qualify as long-term lol. And yes, it is a pleasant relationship, we're best friends and have plenty of fun together and there is mutual support. I've had enough significant relationships and been married before (widowed) to know what a bad relationship is and the one I'm in now is certainly a keeper! After the first year of euphoria mixed with narcissistic injury/trait oddness and a year of nightmarish-ness, each year since then it's been on the up 'n' up and we're pretty settled & happy - nothing's a dead-cert, is it? But right now, we're contented li'l bunnies.

Welcome to the Forum!
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Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4v8
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby BlueFlower » Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:38 am

klesuo wrote:Yet I am still curious after reading all of this, how often do NPD people have really good romantic relationships? (If at all) And also, I think my dad has a lesser degree of NPD.. pretty sure. And he has certainly never been able to keep a happy relationship with a woman.


Hi K.

Pathologically, I believe they are bound to fail. It may seem like heaven at first, but it turns sour when you start voicing your opinions or wanting intimacy. Many folks on here have tried for years to make their relationships work, only to realize they've wasted their time trying to recapture the honeymoon phase (which never returns). If you are assertive or independent in any way, or like mature reliable relationships, an N partner probably isn't for you.

Point to ponder: Why would there be so many forums and books devoted to recovering from Narc relationships if they were easy to deal with?

But the real question to ask yourself is are YOU happy with your partner?

If you grew up with an N dad, chances are you are accustomed to that emotional undercurrent of relationships; that's why you attract Ns. I know I did.

PS: I don't think Seventy's relationship with her partner is typical. Not many women can put up with guys on the down-low like she does, but I guess it works for them.
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby svenska500 » Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:45 am

I could have a relationship with another narc. Albeit I am a narc. A non? Hell no.
Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate. - Sun Tzu
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby seventytimes7 » Thu Mar 29, 2012 3:45 am

BlueFlower wrote:PS: I don't think Seventy's relationship with her partner is typical. Not many women can put up with guys on the down-low like she does, but I guess it works for them.

What a memory! That took me by surprise 'cause in RL it's been a couple of years since that was an active issue lol! Yeah, we are a bit unconventional :wink: and it does give me pause when I post on here and say how well things are in my relationship because I wouldn't like to think people hang on in there in a dangerous & abusive relationship that they're in with false hope for themselves, because there is a higher percentage of destructive relationships. But then there's so many Nons reporting on bad experiences that I feel it's important to say (for Nons & Narcs) that it's not however impossible to have a decent relationship between someone self-aware of their maladaptive behaviors who is making efforts to change and the Non one be accepting and adaptable while they work through it. :)
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4v8
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby EarlyMorning » Thu Mar 29, 2012 10:35 am

re: the down low. I think I could handle that better than another woman. If I had to chose.
You're only paranoid if you're wrong...

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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby klesuo » Thu Mar 29, 2012 11:09 am

Can you please explain the term "Down low" ... I think it can have different meanings

SIDE BAR- Although my dad has not been diagnosed I think he has this PD. But different from what the blogs say my dad has always been very loving to me, and he has never put his kids down. These blogs say its impossible for Narcs to feel emphathy and trully love. My dad is very loving (yet still been a jerk to the women in his life).They say there are different degrees of NPD, so maybe some narcissists do experience real love for someone else. I know my Dad's love for me is not, as some people have said on these forums, lies/pretending/superificial love. I'm just wondering what people think of the whole "Narcs can't trully love" thing. And, thanks for the responses so far, I'm eager to hear more about Narcs with lasting, good relationships....
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby BlueFlower » Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:41 pm

"Down Low is used to describe the behavior of American Black men who have sex with other men, as well as with women, but who do not identify as gay or bisexual. The term has its origins in African American slang but such behavior is not exclusive to that group." (Urban Dictionary)

Not to hijack, but both my N exs had an undercurrent of homosexuality. (not judging, just saying) Maybe Sven can clue me in on this----

Both had a machismo exterior and played the ladies, but I always sensed a homosexual undercurrent. One BF even had a Robert Mapplethorpe coffee table book. When I asked him about it he said he was planning on studying sculpture. (I know, but hey, I was young!)

Anyways, maybe a relationship can be negotiated if an N is really aware and wanting to change. It's possible I could have stayed with my exes, but as it was both were really abusive, with-holding and mean. Verbally jacking their ego every hour also got boring.
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby seventytimes7 » Thu Mar 29, 2012 1:45 pm

Hi All,

Seeing as it got introduced as a factoid by someone else who has opinions but not the full story :wink:, I'll explain Klesuo.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Down-low_(sexual_slang)
My partner doesn't fit that criteria for a number of reasons, including he's not secretive about it with me, nor actively participating in the behavior for some time now. He was having sexual relations with people before we started having a relationship because he's an adult lol - everybody has a history - and I'm not naive about what people get up to in their private lives and don't get all torn up over something I have no right to complain about nor have any control over - his past history pre-Me.
As far as my relationship with him is concerned, neither of us want to do anything that we both believe as born-again Christians should be kept for within marriage and are maintaining an abstinent stance - him since he got saved, me since I got widowed (I've been a Christian a long time). Our faith is important to us, if not key to the relationship as a whole (hence my ID - "Then Peter came up to Him and said, Lord, how many times may my brother sin against me and I forgive him and let it go? [As many as] up to seven times? Jesus answered him, I tell you, not up to seven times, but seventy times seven!" from http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Matthew+18&version=AMP in full context). But wants are not always actions and from time to time in the early days for him pre-salvation, he would get his itches scratched, shall we say, and he also did lots of other things that Narcissists do that are not conducive to a happy home as you can imagine...

I'm not an infidelity kinda gal and he would rather be loved well than casually sexed-up. There are things from his childhood that have influenced his sexuality that I won't be going into but there's some bad shash in there, sadly. Until he's come to terms with that, there will always be issues I imagine and I feel the responsibility as his life partner for showing him that he's not going to get punished or rejected if he gets a bit entangled in learned maladaptive behaviors from time to time, that he's forgiven when he slips into Supply mode in that way and we move forward together - you can read into that scenario, I won't be saying more on it.

We have agreed that it's best to remain unmarried for the time being - he can't commit adultery if there's no marriage - and we have separate homes and bank accounts because he's still not so good at being financially responsible or keeping a home without it becoming a messy hovel lol. I have a policy that I do not lend large sums of money to him, I only give what I can afford as a gift that doesn't need repaying and if I can't afford to do that sometimes, he doesn't get any and that's fine, he doesn't push it! I just think of it as an investment in Us - what's mine is yours, what's yours is mine. That has led to him starting to be generous too and treat me to stuff, which is cool. Because we do have a love commitment even without the rings 'n' paperwork, we do treat Us as a married, single unit in the sense of being a team where if one hurts, the other is affected and if one makes a plan, the other is taken into consideration and all things are discussed out of 'oneness' respect. It's a bit like 'marriage-in-training' I suppose. We have the best of both worlds, we both get the love, fun, stability and support and also enough space for ourselves as individuals so we don't get co-dependent or one of us ends up getting over-burdened with boring responsibilities and the other lazy, this is better while he works on the NPD and having his first major relationship.

Because sex is off the table, we've had to really get to know one another and work on love coming from the friendship and respect. That is something I'm totally glad we did, other people often say they wish they had a closeness like we do. It's no great mystery why we get on so well, it's just being interested in sharing and learning hopes, dreams, ideas, getting to know one another. Whereas a lot of people have to plan a certain diary time for 'Date Night', every night is Date Night for us. If things get a bit hot 'n' heavy leaning, we stop & go out somewhere - theatre, cinema, dance class, beach, video store, do a hobby, or we ask friends over, read a chapter of a book together and discuss, file paperwork, polish shoes, do a Bible study or have a prayer sesh :) We cool down and have something else to chatter about too. When we're in different cities or countries at times, it's easier to keep things normal because we just chatter away and do things together like we usually do - the tip is to keep it inventive!

I know he's a man so I don't get all, "How are you feeling now? Tell me your feelings, tell me!" because he can find it boring as men generally do, I've found lol. Him having NPD just cuts out the middle ground of him being moody because I've offended him and he chews on it silently, instead, if he doesn't want to talk about something in particular, he just changes the subject abruptly & we talk about something else, I have girlfriends or God to talk to for emotional spills. The NPD also helps me remember to keep things upbeat, happy & fun too and chill out on irritations so they don't snowball, it's not a life full of drama, anxiety & more angsty drama because his potential rages don't allow for that. We find solutions to problems more quickly so resentment can't take root.

EarlyMorning wrote: I think I could handle that better than another woman. If I had to chose.

I agree, there's no competition or introspective paranoia you can have about yourself. No random baby mamas are gonna show up lol! All infidelity is hurtful to trust no matter who it's with & there's always STI's to consider but for us, it's not so much of an issue these days anyway. I'd still like to understand it in relation to his NPD some more but it's from an understanding perspective rather than a defend-against-it perspective. 8) Seventy

Ah, I see Blue has answered the down-low thing while I've been typing :D Sorry you had such a bad time with your N exes :(
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4v8
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Re: Do Narcissists ever have long term, pleasant relationshi

Postby seventytimes7 » Thu Mar 29, 2012 2:29 pm

Hi Blue :),

Anyways, maybe a relationship can be negotiated if an N is really aware and wanting to change. It's possible I could have stayed with my exes, but as it was both were really abusive, with-holding and mean. Verbally jacking their ego every hour also got boring.


I think you've got a really important thing to say here. Awareness and willingness to change is vital. My partner doesn't know he has NPD and is undiagnosed but he is aware of most (not all) the negative behaviors he does. He knows he has rages that burst, he knows he can be a spiteful b*tch about people, he knows he can idealize & devalue and has trouble with projection & gaslighting. He just doesn't know there's a cover-all term (NPD) while knowing that NPD exists - making the link will one day dawn on him I'm sure lol.

I was married to someone with ASPD and he was a very bad lad. But neither he nor my N partner were/are physically abusive and I haven't had cause to doubt they actually did/do love me after a while passed and our life together was settled into our routines. Both men have been withholding & mean (LH was heroin/crack addict for years) and I learned a lot about myself in my marriage. I was a right angry b*tch at the time and I learned I had the capacity to daydream about caving someone's face in with a Le Creuset pan while they slept... But I made a great effort to rewrite my inner dialogue of hatred for my LH and stopped reinforcing the bad feelings to myself eventually. I wasn't going to like him or love him if all I ever thought about him was vile and disdainful. And I got my love for him back by acting 'as if' I loved him and talking 'as if' I respected him until I felt I did, it took a while and a lot of prayer, apologies & forgiveness but I got it back, phew. So in this current relationship, I am glad to verbally jack his ego and his soul because it helps me remember why I'm in the relationship too. There are plenty of things I like about my partner and I do make a point of saying something encouraging & appreciative every day - but then there are things to honestly praise in his case. There were things to praise about my LH too, I just forgot to do it with him for a few years but the relationship turned around when I did.

The day I got married, I read my Bible and looked at the qualities of a good wife in Proverbs chapter 31, verse 10 onwards http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=proverbs%2031&version=AMP because as you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. So I've done my best to hold these Scriptures as a manual for my relationships - I run a business, sort the money, keep a welcoming home, keep guard over practical, emotional & spiritual concerns, make sure my fella has a good reputation in the City, exercise prudence for the future etc, I even took up the dressmaking & handicrafts lol. It might seem old-fashioned, especially since I'm only in my thirties still now but when I'm flowing like the 'excelling' Proverbs 31 wife, things are always better, it works for me & my relationships.
Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. Philippians 4v8
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