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Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

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Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby miner315 » Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:25 pm

I am heartbroken and could really use some advice and support.

I met this man online 6 months ago and we instantly connected. I don't get attached to people very easily, but he seemed to be everything I wanted in a person. We spent hours one night talking online and he asked right away for my cell phone number so we could text. Then he texted me the second I got offline to tell me he missed me already. He was so sweet and full of compliments. We started talking on the phone the next day and by the third day he said he was falling in love with me.

I knew it was much too fast, but I got caught up in it too and felt the same way. For weeks he texted me contantly through the day and night and we would have amazing 5 and 6 hour phone conversations a few times a week. He told me I was the most beautiful, sexy woman he had ever known, started calling me by pet names, and talking about wanting a family with me and how we were perfect together.

He begged me to never leave him and said that he wanted me to be his forever. I fell for all of it. I thought, why else would he spend all of his time talking or texting me? He said that all of his past girlfriends had cheated on him and he had really low self-esteem and hadn't been with anyone in 2 years and that he wished he'd met me years ago so that he wouldn't have been hurt so much.


After a few weeks, he started texting less but I figured it was just because we were getting comfortable. It also started to seem like he was only calling now when he was bored, which was still a couple of times a week and we would still talk for hours. But it was when he was bored at work or his friends were busy. But he was still all about how much he loved me.

About a month went by before he suddenly started ignoring me sometimes when I would text him. He always texted back right away, so when hours would go by without hearing from him, I would get upset. He also started falling asleep a lot when we spent time together online. He would say that he gets bored if he's sitting in one place too long and he can't help it. But then when I would get upset, I noticed he would ignore me, give me the silent treatment, for a day or two until I begged him to talk to me. Only once did I refuse to beg him to talk to me, and three days later he contacted me. But his behavior never stopped. And the silent treatments when I would do something "wrong" would happen once every month or two lasting for about a week. The first time, I freaked out and texted and called him like crazy begging him until he finally gave in a week later. The second time, I did the same thing but then got mad and broke up with him. But then missed him after a week, asked him to talk, and took him back.


I started to really notice strange behaviors from him. Even though we talked on the phone for hours at a time, it was always him talking and more like I was the audience. If I tried to tell a story, he would usually interrupt me with something about him. And the few times I was having a problem and would talk to him about it, he would just get really quiet and then change the subject to something about himself. I did go visit him for a week and after I got home and was telling him about a problem I was having, he acted really sympathetic though. So I thought maybe he just needed to feel closer to me. But that was the only time he was like that. Also, whenever I would tell him things that he did that made me happy, I swear he would stop doing them! It was so strange.

Once I even emailed him about all of the things that he did to make me happy and how I wished he did them even more and I got the silent treatment for a week because he doesn't want to be told what to do! I also found out that he had a number of personal ads up on the internet that he was still accessing. When I confronted him, he didn't understand why it bothered me. He said that he didn't talk to anyone, just liked to look. I asked him to take them down and he did, at least the ones I knew about. But he refused to change his status on Facebook to say he was in a relationship with me. It still said he was single. And he looked for and added lots of attractive women from his area that he doesn't know on there. I let that go because I figured maybe he just doesn't want to change it until we're together for good.

He would also get suddenly angry about the smallest things. It would only last for a second, but just seemed out of place. Like if we were on the phone and he put me on hold to answer the other line and would come back and say that it was a female friend. I would tease him and he would suddenly yell "I didn't want to talk to her!" But then would be fine a second later. And he would often say that women are evil and had no respect for his mother. He was often ranting about what an awful person she was.


Another thing that really bothered me is that I offered to come visit and he didn't want me to. He had excuses like being busy and not wanting me to spend the money. I let it go for awhile thinking that maybe he just wanted us to get to know each other better first.

After about 4 months and after ending a week-long silent treatment, I brought it up again. He still seemed unsure but agreed, so I went there for a week. I met his parents, although none of his friends. He was very sweet and we had a good time, but there were still strange things. He seemed very unemotional. He would tell me that I was everything to him and how happy I made him. But when he kissed me, there was no real emotion. And sex was just sex, with him jumping up to shower afterwards. And he was falling asleep a lot...once even while we were having sex! And when I left to go home, I was crying and sad to leave, and he was really great with comforting me and holding and kissing me. But he kept smiling and didn't seem sad about it at all.


Things were great after I got home and he was even texting and calling more. We even spent New Years Eve on the phone together. I mentioned visiting again soon and he would say that would be nice. But then soon the texts and calls started dropping off again and I was doing more than he was until soon I was doing almost all of the calling and texting. Then he started completely ignoring my texts. But he always answered when I called. It was strange. When I asked him about it, he would claim to just be really busy.

My visit was in November and in the beginning of February I asked about coming to visit again at the end of the month. He just joined the army and is starting boot camp in April, so I won't see him for quite awhile and wanted to see him before he left. He didn't want me to visit because he said he'd be too busy! I got really upset and he seemed to care and said that I could visit and he would make time for me. But after that he seemed to really start getting distant when I talked to him. And when I tried to make plans for a visit about a week later, he said to wait closer to the end of the month to see how busy he would be. So I told him I would check back with him about it in a week. At this point, I decided to not call him for a bit and wait for him to call me because I had been doing all the calling for a couple of weeks and he kept saying how busy he was. And I know he was getting annoyed because I had quite a few recent emotional conversations with him about how he felt about me and our relationship after him not wanting me to visit. But he always assured me of his love for me. And he was still telling me how much he loved me the last time I called him.


About 5 days went by and I didn't hear from him. So I gave up and called him. He didn't answer, but then an hour later he got online. I tried texting him. No reply. I called again. He wouldn't answer. That was a month ago. I would try calling and texting, even sending him a Facebook message every few days only to be ignored. I figured I must be getting the silent treatment again for some reason and I was tired of begging him to talk to me like I have before.

So I sent a few messages here and there apologizing if I did anything to upset him and telling him that I would wait until he was ready to talk, completely believing that he would come to me when he was ready. At one point I even sent a text asking him to just tell me if he was done with the relationship and I would leave him alone. No reply. That was after 2 weeks. So I figured he just didn't want to talk yet.

Well I got the shock of my life when 3 weeks went by and his Facebook status suddenly changed to show that he was in a relationship! The way he talked to me, I NEVER expected that! And to make it worse, he put on there that the date they started going out was the same day I had wanted to come visit! Of course I freaked out and texted and called him about how much I loved him, which I regret now. But I really truly thought we were going to be together forever and he loved me more than anything. The next day I noticed that he put a personal ad back up online looking for a relationship. Weird. I had deleted him from Facebook. But after thinking about it for a day, I sent him one more message apologizing for how emotional I was the day before, but was obviously shocked at his new relationship, but that I accepted it if he didn't want to be with me and I would just move on and hopefully we could be friends.

Then I sent him a new friend request to see what he would do. He accepted it. But I still haven't heard a thing from him. I then posted on Facebook that I had met a man and was going on a date over the weekend, so this guy doesn't think I'm just sitting at home waiting for him. I know now that I'm lucky to have gotten away from him. But at the same time, I'm so heartbroken over how he could do this and why. I've never had this much trouble getting over a man. It really feels like an addiction. He's leaving in just a month for the army and it's likely that I'll never hear from him again which I know is a good thing.

It's just so hard to understand how someone can go from telling you that you mean everything to them and talking to you for hours a night to just discarding you like that. Is this how it is with a narcissist? Do you think I'm free of him or do I have to worry about him coming back? I'm even wondering if he's really in a relationship or just trying to hurt me for something he thinks I did.
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby narcbolan » Thu Mar 01, 2012 9:58 pm

Hi there, a word of advice for you. This is a very long post, not a problem itself, but the problem is this, I haven't read through it but I'm assuming you want some input. The reason I haven't looked at it properly is that you've made it far too difficult for other people to read.

Please use the edit button and seperate it into paragraphs, you're more likely to get replies if you do. Thanks.
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby margharris » Thu Mar 01, 2012 10:42 pm

by the third day he said he was falling in love with me.

There is the first clue. He fell too fast. He only had superficial feelings or made them up. He was acting the boyfriend.

He told me I was the most beautiful, sexy woman he had ever known, started calling me by pet names, and talking about wanting a family with me and how we were perfect together.

There is the second clue. He idealized you and was creating a story in his mind. His imagination was working in overdrive.

so when hours would go by without hearing from him, I would get upset. He also started falling asleep a lot when we spent time together online. He would say that he gets bored if he's sitting in one place too long and he can't help it.

There is the third clue. He started to turn away. It sort of went downhill from there. More silent treatment and greater distance till he possibly had another relationship or was giving you the dismiss. Either way it was over.

The idealized fast and furious beginning, followed by the slower turn away to the final discard. Yes it is all too familiar. The trajectory of this relationship has been highly narcissistic.

There are other red flags as well. His relationship with his mother is a bit iffy. You wouldn't have been meeting her if she was the variety we know. His despising comments about women in general is highly contentious. This may have been a relationship that just simply fell over but these other red flags point to something not quite right going on in other areas of his life and for some period of time.
You are well rid of him. He didn't treat you in the manner you deserved. He might be back but he is probably the type that likes the thrill of the catch and is online dating and facebooking. He just doesn't do anything truly meaningful. Keep that in mind if he calls. He needs a good dose of his silent treatment from you. Do yourself the favour and don't pick up or reply. He has no boyfriend credentials.
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby miner315 » Fri Mar 02, 2012 1:50 pm

narcbolan wrote:Hi there, a word of advice for you. This is a very long post, not a problem itself, but the problem is this, I haven't read through it but I'm assuming you want some input. The reason I haven't looked at it properly is that you've made it far too difficult for other people to read.

Please use the edit button and seperate it into paragraphs, you're more likely to get replies if you do. Thanks.


I'm not really sure what happened because I did have it separated into paragraphs when I posted it. And I couldn't find the edit button to go back and fix it :(

-- Fri Mar 02, 2012 1:55 pm --

Thank you for you input! It really is so unbelievably hard to believe that someone can act so in love with you one second and then you never hear from them again the next. But you're absolutely right. He's definitely not someone I need or want in my life. I'm a lot stronger than he thinks I am. I'm sure that he thinks I'll be begging him back in no time. But it doesn't make it any easier to get over, that's for sure. It's so hard to have that just suddenly happen without ever getting any reason for it. I really appreciate you taking the time to read all that and tell me what you think :)
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby narcbolan » Fri Mar 02, 2012 2:35 pm

I'm not really sure what happened because I did have it separated into paragraphs when I posted it. And I couldn't find the edit button to go back and fix it :(


If you look at the top of your post after the heading, the 'edit' button is right there.

Anyway I've done it for you this time.
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby BlueFlower » Sat Mar 03, 2012 5:14 am

Miner;

I'm sorry you're hurting. You've been massively played by a douche.

It really sucks learning that you were only ONE of his online games, but that is the truth. I know your heart is broken, but deep down you KNOW this guy is bad news. Take it for what it is--a crappy learning experience. Dust yourself off and move on. Someday, you will be thankful you didn't waste years of your life with this clown.
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby mermer » Sat Mar 03, 2012 11:15 pm

There is the first clue. He fell too fast. He only had superficial feelings or made them up. He was acting the boyfriend.

but surely at some point a narc would find himself 'falling fast' again and again, would he start to doubt himself?

There is the second clue. He idealized you and was creating a story in his mind. His imagination was working in overdrive.

So what determines the length of the story? I know it could be so many things, and what matters is the inevitable ending of the idealization, but still curious...
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby anoti » Tue Mar 06, 2012 3:53 am

mermer wrote:but surely at some point a narc would find himself 'falling fast' again and again, would he start to doubt himself?


I've always brushed off the doubts - ignored them, or justified them when confronted. Justifying things is really easy to do.

For me, relationships like that are fun - they're new and interesting and challenging, until they're not anymore. I'm sure it feels terrible to be on the receiving end, but it's something that he can't change - that's just the way his brain works.

And don't blame yourself for falling for him - that's not your fault either. Nothing personal, but that's what we do.


So what determines the length of the story? I know it could be so many things, and what matters is the inevitable ending of the idealization, but still curious...


For me, it's mostly how I feel at the time. If I feel like relaxing for a while, and just floating on? Maybe a year. If I'm just looking for a good time? A week or two.

It depends on the girl, too - absolutely crazy girls usually last less than two weeks. Fun, but not worth dealing with. Normal girls last a few months - they might register that something's a bit off. It's easy to convince them otherwise, but it's usually not worth the effort.

Depressed and codependent, though? Those can last a long time, depending on how it plays out - but they don't usually end up being 'relationships'. They keep on loving after we get bored. Why turn down free affection?
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby svenska500 » Tue Mar 06, 2012 7:49 am

It is hard to say if he was a narcissist by your descriptions. What I see missing is really any emotional outbursts that make no sense.

What you experienced seems very similar to mine.. (keep in mine I have NPD and experienced it myself.. so I have knowledge on both ends)..

It sounds like he realized he could do what he wanted with you.. he knew he was going away to boot camp in a few months and most likely had plenty of other women around that all were vying for his attention.

This could simply be a scenario of an individual knowing he is going away from women for a long time and dealing with all the emotions coming along with leaving his comfort zone and needing the emotional support to help him cope and deal with it.

It doesn't sound like he intentionally tried to break you down and 'play' with you.. as he went from hot to cold and very hot to cold to very cold to hot, etc..there is no real pattern of break down..

Also a real narcissist would know better than to say "I love you" within a few days of meeting the victim.. those are strong words and would scare most people away. He would be much more in control of his deception from the beginning.. and it sounds like he wasn't really in control of his emotions and actions early in the relationship.

In terms of sex not being an intimate experience.. as bad as it sounds.. he probably had many women on the side as said and was getting it constantly.. maybe he felt bad and was trying to avoid intimacy.. who knows..

As much as this sounds like the actions of a narcissist.. I think it more or less sounds like a scared individual knowing he is going away to the military for awhile and trying to get as much affection and sex from as many women as possible before leaving. That, or he could have been cutting off emotional connection to avoid knowing he would be leaving you and thus dealing with hurt.

A question. Did he know when you met him.. that he would be leaving to boot camp in a few months?
Be extremely subtle, even to the point of formlessness. Be extremely mysterious, even to the point of soundlessness. Thereby you can be the director of the opponent's fate. - Sun Tzu
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Re: Was I just dumped by a narcissist?

Postby mermer » Tue Mar 06, 2012 6:24 pm

Also a real narcissist would know better than to say "I love you" within a few days of meeting the victim.. those are strong words and would scare most people away. He would be much more in control of his deception from the beginning.. and it sounds like he wasn't really in control of his emotions and actions early in the relationship.

Actually I have some doubt about the saying I love you within a few days part as well, but I guess it could be garden variety? or that depends on the narc's zodiac sign.
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