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Is my dad a narcissist?

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Is my dad a narcissist?

Postby Rizos » Fri Feb 24, 2012 9:47 pm

Hi, im new here on the forum :)
Im moving with my mom and sister at the moment from my home because of my dad.
Because of his behaviour and inabillity to accept others, along many other problems.
Im writing this to get others thoughts about my situation and get my thoughts out. You guys should read the whole text to get the 'right view' about the situation. Im very thankfull for responses!

My dad has always not been 'normal'. I can remember episodes from when I was a small kid where dad was literary exploding in anger, often just because of small things. There have been many times where we where just about to move out from him, but every time it has just went back to 'normal'. He returns to normal very fast and get worser agian fast.

In the last 3-4 years have he have had alot of problems with work. He has been leader or director in all his jobs, but have for some reason just suddenly 'quitted'. One of the huge problems for him is that he doesn't tell anything about his job situation. I know what he work as and stuff, but nothing much and the reason why he suddenly quits. We have found out that all the times he has quitted, he was asked to quit by his colleagues (certainly because of his behaviour).

The last 2 years has he been unemployed, something I think is psyching him down. As a result has he been worser the last years.
This is probably a cause of his a little bit poor and strict education (administration/leadership) in todays society probably combined with his bad reputation (not a big city, you know). He is in his 50's.

It's easy to call him very egoistic. He is absoloutely sick when it comes to money. He frequently says that he pay for that and that, but in the reality it's not true. He pays for electricity, insurance and other random stuff and tools, but never pays for food, clothes and other nessescary things in the daily life. Even that he has (or had) the largest income from job. He also takes every penny from the rent of the house.

All he says is right in his mind. Everyone else is wrong. There is something wrong with everyone. He has always things to critizise.
He also shuts his ears of when we talk about stuff he is not interested to hear about. We (us others in the family) can talk about stuff right beside him, and 10 minutes later he can ask about stuff we already told about. So he frequently tells us that we talk behind his back and that he never get informed about stuff, wich is wrong. There are things some times we doesn't tell to him, because we don't know how he will react.

He is a control freak. He wants to know where we goes all the time, so he is appairently pretty paranoid. If we don't do what suites him or what he wants, we get some sort of punish psychically. He wants entertainment all the time, for example when he sits in front of the tv (which he does pretty much). But most of the time he doesn't make much of a conversation and he is totally disinterested in most things we talk about, while he afterwards complains that we others doesn't communicate to him.

He even watches and weights all the food people eat by the table. He wants to save money on everything, like electricity and stuff! Money, money, money. He's crazy about money.

He is much worse against my mother. Everything she does is wrong in his mind, so he says alot of bad things to her (and us). My mother's friends and family is complete idiots in his mind (actually, everyone is 'idiots' in his mind) so he gets irritabled and bad-tempered when she has contact with them.

He is a little bit nicer to me, but I feel he is constantly 'mis'-uses me to do minor stuff because he is lazy. He needs help to almost everything. Washing his car and other stuff one can easely do by itself. He never makes dinner. He is little interested in us to (school, hobby's etc.). He does simply NOTHING. No activity, hobby and little friends. At his worst can I spot him sit by himself in the living room just staring at the wall when its middle of the day and the sun is shining. :shock:

He has never been physically voilent, but often destroys things when he is angry. His mood goes up and down by every day. His anger is treathening.

My dad doesn't see that his behaviour and situation is psyching us other down. He is emotianally cold and has little to nothing empathy/sympathy (you can see that by the stuff i write, right?). If we keep living with him we will soon end up in a mental hospital, so we need to act now! :|

All what he cares about is his status, facade and money/power. He seemes pretty much 'normal' when he is with other people wich is not so close him.

I don't know how he will make it when we move out from him. He will loose everything he got. His family and his housewife(mom...)/'helpers'. A reason for him to keep us is obviously the money he has to pay us to get us out of the house. He has a good economy, but it will suffer when he has to pay us out when he doesn't have any job. His parents is dead. He was very badly against his mother too (basicly his whole family). His sister doesn't take contact with him anymore.
The few friends he has left knows how he really is, and is helping us others with getting away from him.
Many people we have managed held out so long with him.

He obviously is some kind of psycho. I have zero feelings for him (no shock), but the whole situation is disgusting. I have lived with him in 16-18 years... so it's a drastic situation i am in. Im in high school at the moment. :|

What do you guys think he will do now when we move out? I think he will take all his efforts to keep us childrens against mom and grab what he gets of stuff and money - he has the house from his parents. Im 99,99% sure he will never leave his house.

Is he more of a psychopath (AsPD) or a narcissist? Other things?

Again, one milion x times thank you for any repsonses/thoughts you guys can come with!
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Re: Is my dad a narcissist?

Postby margharris » Sat Feb 25, 2012 12:29 am

I feel very sorry for all of you. Your father definitely has the narcissistic traits. They have affected how he thinks, feels and acts over a long period. He has self esteem issues that sees him becoming the dependant. He has interpersonal problems with almost everyone in his private life. It also appears that his work life has been affected. There is no easy fix for this situation.

I don't know much about what happens to men who become too difficult to live with. From my own experience they just don't do well at all. They have worked all their life outside the home but are truly a duck out of water on the home front. I think they often have to rely on some family member continuing to live with them because they are able to provide cheap rent.

This will be a very difficult time for your mother so stay strong and balanced for her. They will both need your best effort to help them through the next few years.
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Re: Is my dad a narcissist?

Postby Rizos » Sat Feb 25, 2012 2:46 pm

margharris wrote:I feel very sorry for all of you. Your father definitely has the narcissistic traits. They have affected how he thinks, feels and acts over a long period. He has self esteem issues that sees him becoming the dependant. He has interpersonal problems with almost everyone in his private life. It also appears that his work life has been affected. There is no easy fix for this situation.

I don't know much about what happens to men who become too difficult to live with. From my own experience they just don't do well at all. They have worked all their life outside the home but are truly a duck out of water on the home front. I think they often have to rely on some family member continuing to live with them because they are able to provide cheap rent.

This will be a very difficult time for your mother so stay strong and balanced for her. They will both need your best effort to help them through the next few years.


Thanks for a good answer :)
There is more discussion about it on the Antisocial forum, http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/topic83843.html
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Re: Is my dad a narcissist?

Postby Walkthroughthestorm » Mon Feb 27, 2012 5:49 pm

From what I've read of your post, I tend to believe that his behaviors are more of those who suffer from Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder.

My suggestion is: Quarantine him with LOVE. Throw a line into the river to save him but don't jump in because you'll both drown. The bottom line is: You love him but not his behavior. Make this very clear to him. The behavior has to go and he has to begin working on those issues which are harming your family. He has absolutely no idea what he is doing and how his behavior is impacting you. You have to do what you have to do: save yourself before you can save him.

Your mother is pulling herself you out of that river because the strong undercurrent is weakening all of you. You'll be in a better position to help him from shore. Explain it to your dad in this way. Always make sure that he knows you love him.

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Re: Is my dad a narcissist?

Postby sallysaidso » Tue Jul 03, 2012 4:48 am

I made an account for the sole purpose of answering this, and I hope you see it because you posted a while ago. Let me start by saying that what you said about your father is like 90% exactly like my father and my situation. I've read a few things about people with narcissistic loved ones but I feel I connect most with you.

My father is slightly different because he was a little bit physically abusive and he still at times is with my mother. Yells and fights with her every single day. He also just has a mess of other problems that I don't have to get into but the similarities to yours are many.

The explosions of anger, the highs and lows, going back to normal only to get much worse weeks or months later, the need to control every person in the family (especially my mother), such a big concern for money (even if he is the biggest spender, and providing the smaller income), hardly takes much of an interest in what we have to say, often using his children for his own benefits, and yes, appearing to be an absolute psycho.

Unfortunately I don't think how he treats your mother will change. Narcissists tend to take out all of their rage, blame, guilt trips, unhappiness, control etc on their spouses. I mean think about it, that person promised to stick by them through good and bad, so the narcissist takes them on some extreme roller coaster that only the church or law can end. Luckily for you, you are not bound. No matter what guilt you get after moving out, you are in no way obligated to this man. He is your father and you may or may not love him, but that is as far as it has to go. You don't have to respect him or spend time with him and you owe him nothing. It is all up to what you feel you can handle.

I am about to move out with my mother as well. My siblings and I have all handled it differently. My sister moved out the second she could and does not talk to him at all unless she completely has to. My younger brother is nicer to him and I am nice enough but prefer to not speak with him and be around him at all.

It is all about what you can handle. If you feel like you can visit him every once and a while do that. Don't get hurt if he chooses to lash out about the whole situation, he is narcissistic this is a lot for his ego and his emotions to handle. Given time, I think your relationship can improve to a nice comfortable acquintance. Do not let ANYONE tell you you should be nice to your father or you should treat him better, because he is your father. They simply do not and cannot understand.
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