Please help: should I leave or stay for the children

My non-father committed suicide when I was 13. All the weight of my N mother was thrust upon us after he was gone. As a child growing up, naturally I would have preferred my parents to stay together because we were a family and that is what I knew. Having him there everyday meant everything to me and gave me the tools to build a healthy self-image. As an adult now I wish for my father's sake that he would have had the strength to leave her and find someone who would have treated him better. That would have crushed me not having him there all the time though. As a child I needed him around all the time to feel loved because I felt no love from my n mother.

I don't want to tell you what to do because every situation is different. Your kids in their situation may have different needs than I had.

Psyquest wrote:My non-father committed suicide when I was 13. All the weight of my N mother was thrust upon us after he was gone. As a child growing up, naturally I would have preferred my parents to stay together because we were a family and that is what I knew.

I think all children have similar needs when it comes to emotional needs. I really appreciate your comments. You are the third person saying I should stay. Just one more question. would you have preferred to have say 50% of time with a healthy father and another 50% with the mother than have the family together?

I have read some other information on internet, but they seem to suggest one should leave an abusive relationship at all cost, even when children are involved. I am surprised people here generally think I should stay.

No, I would rather have stayed with both my parents. 50/50 would have been bad for me. As it turned out I was with her 100% of the time from 13 years old which was the end of not-so-good and the beginning of very awful.Your question is what the child wants, not what is recommended on the internet so that is why the answers you are getting are different. There are so many factors to consider.

By staying with her are you setting a bad example for your kids by allowing your partner to abuse you? What sort of carry on effect will that have for their future relationships? Will this teach them to be abused/abuser? Or will that happen anyway because she would replace you with another victim AND/OR would you wind up in another abusive relationship? It is easy to think you would NEVER repeat that same mistake again but so many people wind up falling into the same patterns despite their best efforts not to.

By leaving your kids alone with her 50% of the time will they suffer more narc abuse than now? How much more? 50% is a LOT of time.

How would a divorce change you? Would you be a better parent to your kids? Would you lose your sanity if you stayed? Or would you become co-dependent?

The dynamics are different in every family and perception varies in every case. My brother can see no wrong in my mother so his answer to your question would be that his mother is not a narcissist, she is a woman who has had a hard life (the mantra she repeated to us growing up to seek sympathy). He is in a co-dependent relationship now with an abuser. My sister's thinking is more along the lines of mine but as the golden child she had a different set of issues.

My father was also very traditional and worked long hours running his own business so the reality is that we would have had someone else caring for us while he was at work and it is anyone's guess how that would have gone down. He might have remarried a wonderfully nurturing, selfless woman whom I could have really benefitted from and would still be benefitting from. This hypothetical new partner may well have been the difference between him living or choosing to die. If that had happened and someone asked me now what I would have preferred the answer would definitely be a 50/50 split hands down.

You will only know after the fact if a split was the right choice for sure. I think you will have to weigh things up carefully but also go with your instincts on this one.

I am the adult daughter of an N. From my experience the worst thing that a non-N parent can do is live in denial and allow the children live in a denial as well. Whether you stay or not the abuse is going to happen. As a matter of fact (from my experience) the abuse continues well into the adulthood of the children so long as the N parent is in denial and without treatment. I think so long you do not contribute to the facade and pretend everything is fine for mom to be at peace with you then your children will see thru her behavior and realize mom is different and sort of special. By you not contributing to the facade then I would say that your children will have a better chance at surviving. NO ONE is really ever fine growing up with a Narc mother regardless but it will help them get thru life if they are aware that mom is truly special (/sarcasm here) and they are free to not have to pretend.

Instead of making the decision to leave or stay for the kids, how about real counseling for yourself, work your way thru counseling and then eventually bring your children to counseling as well?

First of all, as a father who had to make this decision with two small children (2+3) my heart deeply goes out to you because I know the hopelessness you feel.

I eventually chose to leave after going back and forth with the "should I stay for the kids" before the physical and sexual abuse became too severe and progressive to tolerate anymore.

The bottom line is that anybody in a relationship with the N will be miserably drained, and it's between going down with your children for X amount of years, or seeking some normalcy and happiness for yourself.

Personally, if I had to do it again, I would have found a way to leave earlier. It was a tremendous weight off my shoulders. It was still a very sad moment at the time and it hurt leaving them as much as you can/do imagine, but life goes on and your wounds will heal if you leave. If you don't? More abuse? Likely.

Obviously, I had many more years of servitude ahead of me and what sounds like a more volatile home situation, but I wanted to give you perspective from the other side from someone who made it.

Peace

Thank you all for the responses.

There is no easy answer. I now have a better understanding of what the kids really need. They need effective interference regardless of divorce or not. Ideally they would prefer to have parents together. On the other hand, how much I can take it is also a big question. I may not have the ability to do it and divorce maybe a better choice. I really don't have an answer yet.

If you continue to ask yourself the questions, you'll eventually come to understand what is best for you. Have you spoken to your kids about what's going on?

vermilion wrote:If you continue to ask yourself the questions, you'll eventually come to understand what is best for you. Have you spoken to your kids about what's going on?

Yes... there is no easy answer and there would be problems either ways. But it starts to get clear. I don't plan to discuss with kids about the issues, as I don't think they have the muscle to carry the burden. I will have to support them in a more subtle way.