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NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

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NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby bettywhite » Wed Feb 08, 2012 2:33 pm

Ok.....after much drama and details I won't even bother going in to.....me and my DH have decided to have complete NC with our undiagnosed but definitely NPD SIL.

She has every single trait of a malignant narc to the extreme. I do not understand how my DH's brother is still married to her.......oh wait....she uses the kids to keep him.....

Anyway, she has this creepy obsession with pinning us all against eachother. She will talk and talk and talk......and make up things about one member of the family and say them so much eventually people think it's true. She is very good at manipulating.

So far.....she has smeared me to the whole family....I'm still fine though because I have not let her get the best of me and most of the family except for my FIL is on to her BS. She has gone as far as saying very hurtful things to MY mother....my MIL, FIL, my freinds, my sister....and even MY HUSBAND. Who does that? She is mad at my husband now because he will not choose her over me. Is it me or is that nuts?

Anyway, she does that with the whole family. She is overly obsessed with everyone elses lives, what we have going on, and she will take whatever information she has and twist it around to where there is a negative and hurtful impact on said person. I could be pregnant right now and she will make it out to be something it's not......(I'm not pregnant but that is just an example of how nothing is left sacred to her....she always has to find a negative......or make up one.....and tell the entire family about it)

She has her husband wrapped up in her world and he can't see what is going on. In fact, he even seems like he's turning in to her. It's wierd.....they moved away across the country. It was random...no job, no freinds, no family......just moved away.....and now I think he is so isolated she has complete control. Ever since then, she has gotten worse with the drama and manipulation. Even now that me and my DH are not talking to her....

My question is. Has anyone else had this problem with an In law? There seem to be plenty of examples of males and MIL's but what about SIL's and the impact they have on relationships within the family? How is the best way to handle this? We can ignore her but it's not her children's fault or her husbands.

What is the best way for me to handle myself at family get togethers? She hounds me and hounds me for information on my life, what I'm doing, my freinds......etc. It's exhausting and I know she'll just talk crap about me when it's all over so I don't want to say anything to her. Do I ignore her? The rest of the family knows what's going on....I really don't think they would think I'm out of line.....they are aware of the history there and know what she does....... It is about myself and my marriage right now.

Help! I am dreading family get togethers for years and years to come now because I absolutely do not know how to act or how to respond to the fast talking or questions. It is easy to ignore a phone call, text or email but in person that is something I have never done before.
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby bettywhite » Wed Feb 08, 2012 4:49 pm

*Bump*

If any of you have advice on here I need it......we are leaving to go see them tomorrow......

Please and thank you.....comments from N's are appreciated as well so I can hear both sides.
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby narcbolan » Wed Feb 08, 2012 5:13 pm

Hi, you haven't very specific about what she actually does, the nature of her manipulations and what she says.

But in answer to your question, no contact is still the best option, and I really think thats what you should do, and stick to it, regardless of the consequences. The reason I'm saying this is that if you choose not to go NC, the only way to handle her is to feed her.

By that I mean you have to protect yourself emotionally with what is known as 'shields', and you have to give her what she wants, when she goes on about herself, let her, go further and ask her more about herself. But you have to seem like you mean it too, no sarcastic tone in your voice (no matter how tempting or justified), be interested in everything she has to say, swallow your pride and think of it as disarming her.

It's probably too late right now but I'd really recommend a book by a woman called Nina Brown, it's called 'Children Of The Self-Absorbed'. Even thought its about N parents you can still get some use out of it. It has some really useful tips for anyone about how to protect yourself and deal with someone like that.

Do give it a try. I don't know what else to say but hope this helps.
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby BlueFlower » Wed Feb 08, 2012 6:30 pm

bettywhite wrote:What is the best way for me to handle myself at family get togethers? She hounds me and hounds me for information on my life, what I'm doing, my freinds......etc. It's exhausting and I know she'll just talk crap about me when it's all over so I don't want to say anything to her. Do I ignore her? The rest of the family knows what's going on....I really don't think they would think I'm out of line.....they are aware of the history there and know what she does....... It is about myself and my marriage right now.


Smile. Be polite. Don't let yourself be cornered by her, make sure you stay in a crowd. Let her do the talking and make an @$$ out of herself. Nod in agreement. If she asks questions, be vague. "Yes, we're fine. Job is nice. Life is good." That type of stuff. Then excuse yourself, or look pre-occupied.

Treat her as someone you have little association with--like a neighbor-- and you'll do fine.
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby narcbolan » Wed Feb 08, 2012 7:30 pm

BlueFlower wrote:Smile. Be polite. Don't let yourself be cornered by her, make sure you stay in a crowd. Let her do the talking and make an @$$ out of herself. Nod in agreement. If she asks questions, be vague. "Yes, we're fine. Job is nice. Life is good." That type of stuff. Then excuse yourself, or look pre-occupied.

Treat her as someone you have little association with--like a neighbor-- and you'll do fine.


Or you could just do that, yeah. lol
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby bettywhite » Wed Feb 08, 2012 9:10 pm

narcbolan wrote:
BlueFlower wrote:Smile. Be polite. Don't let yourself be cornered by her, make sure you stay in a crowd. Let her do the talking and make an @$$ out of herself. Nod in agreement. If she asks questions, be vague. "Yes, we're fine. Job is nice. Life is good." That type of stuff. Then excuse yourself, or look pre-occupied.

Treat her as someone you have little association with--like a neighbor-- and you'll do fine.


Or you could just do that, yeah. lol


BlueFlower- "Like a neighbor" is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. I keep hearing all these negative reactions...or ignore her....etc. All of them are not how I would normally act and it still expells this energy that I feel is wasted on someone who will just suck it up with no remorse good or bad.

I do not like my neighbors but I do not dislike them either....I am pretty much just hey, see ya later......that's great sort of person with them. I have no problem acting like this with her and feel like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Thank you! Very simple statement yet the most helpful I have ever had.

Narcbolan- I didn't want to give specific details because I feel like it is the same story here over and over again. She uses things against me, cheats on her husband, turns the family upside down, has babies to keep said husband around, creates drama and chaos wherever she goes, expects special treatment, and whenever anyone calls her out on anything it is a huge fit where she screams and cries and plays the victim. When we STILL don't fall for the victim card....that's when she gets very mean and just sick. She has said the most hateful things I wouldn't even think of. So yeah....there is no doubt she has issues.....this whole NC thing is new to me though and it is hard because she is married to my DH's brother. His relationship with his brother is suffering and there is no way we can totally avoid her without cutting him off too. So, we are stuck here.......

I appreciate your advice as well. The book is something I have not looked at and will do. Also, the shields example is a great tool for me to put to use in conversation with her.......and those conversations are EXHAUSTING.

Would it be a bad idea for me to just walk away? Or tell her to stop talking? Really, I am to that point now. I can't stand to hear her voice....it is like nails on a chalk board. All she does is talk and talk and talk about other people's lives and how much better she is than they are. She will try to get me to agree....then she'll ask me questions and I know she's just getting info to go to the next person with about me.

Get this....her ex best freind (One of MANY broken relationships)....went through a terrible tragedy and lost her father. Usually in this situation....ex freind or not....I would call the person or send a card...SOMETHING to let them know I care......OR, I would completely leave them alone and not gossip about it either.
My SIL did none of the above. She made an appointment at the girls salon to get the latest gossip from the people there.....and then proceeded to call me and everyone else to let us know what she found out. Nothing had to do with the other girl's well being either...it was about how much her life is going to suck now because her "daddy" won't be there with a paycheck anymore to support her...blah blah blah. I think she was actually excited that this girls dad died so she didn't have to be jealous of her buying nice things anymore. She seemed sickly excited when she talked about it.......I could hear her smiling over the phone. It made me sick to my stomach. That was actually one of the tipping points where I realized she was toxic and I really distanced myself after that.

Sorry for the rant....I cold go on for days about what she has done! I feel like I'm turning in to her fast talking maniac self whenever she is brought up......the anger and frustration I feel is like nothing I have felt before. She literally makes me feel like I'm going to go crazy sometimes. Hopefully the NC will make it better. It has been 2 months now......I've heard it gets worse before it gets better so we will see!
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby narcbolan » Wed Feb 08, 2012 10:20 pm

Yeah i appreciate total no contact isn't as easy for you as you'd like it to be - it is the solution for you ultimately but you would have to be totally uncompromising with everyone including your partner which takes a lot of courage, which a lot of us just don't have.

Thanks for letting me know a little more about what you're having to deal with bettywhite, i would like to just gently say this to you:-

You do sound quite caught up in it, by that i mean a bit enmeshed in the way her behaviour affects you. I don't mean that as a criticism, it happens to us all at some point, even us N's, in my case i was brought up by someone like that and it led to me seeking out 'friends' like that.

But for you to feel as much anger and frustration as you do makes me wonder if there's anything, or any emotional issue of your own which allows you to be so affected, and which prevents you from being able to be at all objective. You don't have to answer me on that one, it's just a question for you to either answer or disregard for yourself.

Would it make any difference if i was to maybe give you a bit of insight based on my own experiences as a recovering n (9 years now) into where she may be coming from? Not to 'make you see her point of view', but just to help you make a little more sense of it.

As I say, even though I've behaved simlilarly, I've also been the victim of it too via friends and relatives, not partners, they've had the misfortune of having to put up with me. But it's the not understanding whats going on which can sometimes prevent us from being able to detach or move on.

And I have been on both sides in these kind of situations.

Just an idea.
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby bettywhite » Thu Feb 09, 2012 2:39 am

narcbolan wrote:Yeah i appreciate total no contact isn't as easy for you as you'd like it to be - it is the solution for you ultimately but you would have to be totally uncompromising with everyone including your partner which takes a lot of courage, which a lot of us just don't have.

Thanks for letting me know a little more about what you're having to deal with bettywhite, i would like to just gently say this to you:-

You do sound quite caught up in it, by that i mean a bit enmeshed in the way her behaviour affects you. I don't mean that as a criticism, it happens to us all at some point, even us N's, in my case i was brought up by someone like that and it led to me seeking out 'friends' like that.

But for you to feel as much anger and frustration as you do makes me wonder if there's anything, or any emotional issue of your own which allows you to be so affected, and which prevents you from being able to be at all objective. You don't have to answer me on that one, it's just a question for you to either answer or disregard for yourself.

Would it make any difference if i was to maybe give you a bit of insight based on my own experiences as a recovering n (9 years now) into where she may be coming from? Not to 'make you see her point of view', but just to help you make a little more sense of it.

As I say, even though I've behaved simlilarly, I've also been the victim of it too via friends and relatives, not partners, they've had the misfortune of having to put up with me. But it's the not understanding whats going on which can sometimes prevent us from being able to detach or move on.

And I have been on both sides in these kind of situations.

Just an idea.


Hey!
I completely agree with you how I am caught up in this situation. I am letting it get to me more than it should and that is definitely something worth pointing out and working on. I don't take offense to that at all and actually would really appreciate your experiences as a recovering N. None of this makes sense to me and I do not understand why she does what she does.
I think part of the reason why I get so worked up is when I met her I was very young (She is 10 years older than I)......we got pretty close and I trusted her and cherished her as my freind and future "big sister". I feel like the moment I disagreed with her, she flipped the switch and ever since then I have been the target. It peaked when him and I got engaged and has not stopped since........it has been years of lies, overstepping boundaries, and innapropriate/disrespectful behavior. I do not get why she can't just be her normal fun self (she can be cool at times when she doesn't hate you haha).....I do not get why things are so complicated. I just want it to stop. I come from a very large family with many extended family members and nothing like this has ever happened to us. If anyone is being ridiculous, we are called out and told to get lost until we get a grip. In a nice way of course but it simply is not tolerated so it does not happen.............I guess I get so worked up because I feel like this has been tolerated for so long and will never change. The thought of that is pretty overwhelming. I like to find solutions and move on........I feel like I'm stuck in some limbo waiting for his family to be back to how we used to be.

Thank God for my DH though and his parents. They at least can see it so it could be worse I know. I can totally see why people split up because of toxic in laws. It is so sad!

So, if you have any specific questions or advice for me PLEASE share. I welcome it and would really appreciate it. I know somewhere inside there is a good person in her. I do not want to depersonalize her so hearing your point of view would help out a ton.
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby margharris » Thu Feb 09, 2012 2:50 am

You are still relating to this as though she has a choice and you are her victim. You are dealing with a disorder. She doesn't think like anyone you know and never will. She doesn't have a choice. As soon as she saw you as a someone who threatened her position in the family, she changed her behaviour to correct her self esteem loss. This is the pattern that will continue. You are only a victim when you chose to see what she does as actually relating to you and not just to her latest story. Rise above the drama she creates and never buy into it or try and defend. The more you are affected by it, the more she is likely to feel empowered. She needs to make up stories is the only words you need to say in your defense. Detach from any value you see in her opinion.
If she had a physical disorder, you would probably not think twice that she couldn't walk with you in the park. You would understand the scope of her limitations. A mental disorder creates limitations in interpersonal relationships. Just apply the same logic and recognize it has nothing to do with you. Unfortunately she has probably been abused in her childhood and this is the price she has to carry. Just unfortunate.
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Re: NPD TEARING MY FAMILY APART

Postby BlueFlower » Thu Feb 09, 2012 3:28 am

bettywhite wrote:I do not get why she can't just be her normal fun self (she can be cool at times when she doesn't hate you haha..


I think her "normal self" isn't fun and cool at all...it's what you are experiencing now. That is the real her--hateful and rude; is her norm. To engage in her drama is feeding her cravings. It's sad to me, these people miss the richness of real relationships, and just go on sabotaging themselves and creating misery.

It won't ever be the way it was.
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