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Need for/How to get closure with N I love

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Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby PamHelf » Fri Jan 27, 2012 3:43 pm

I am deeply in love with a male N and sincerely would do anything to make him happy. But I now realise I need to draw a line under it/move on and would like some help or advice.

I have read and studied everything about NPD in the (stupid) hope that perhaps I could make him happy and that if I helped him to feel in control around me, perhaps he would get to the stage where "he liked how he was when he was around me" (which I once read is the closest thing an NPD can feel to love).

I have totally disguised my desire for a long term relationship with him and have not been clingy, just entirely accepting of his demands and desire to be in control. He seems very happy when he's with me. He told me recently that he feels relaxed with me.

But it's at a stage where he very rarely calls me or gets in touch - to the point where any contact is now really me maintaining contact with him. He calls me when convenient as always but this is now once every few weeks and stretching out to longer and longer periods. He is also rude in his treatment of me - so he says "let's do X next week" raising my hopes of seeing him and then never follows up. I never complain about this because I accept this as part of his NPD and need to be in control and I am always happy to see him.

Despite my good intentions and my strong feelings for him, I realise that I can't cope with his total disinterest in me. It would be OK if he actually followed up and wanted to see me a bit more often. It's great when I see him and I really enjoy it. But he is so disinterested the rest of the time.

(I still love him and would do anything to make him happy - so if anyone has any ideas as to how I can manage my own feelings that would be great.)

BUT I think I need to move on and draw a line under it which will break my heart but keep me from feeling so constantly rejected and alone in the periods he stays away.

What is the best thing to do? Should I just wait til he gets in touch and claim to be busy? Or contact him and tell him it isn't working but I still want to be friends? Or just ignore him if he gets in touch? Or tell him honestly how I really feel (not that I love him but that lack of contact doesn't work for me)?

I'm really at a loss. I don't want to anger him or upset him. Although I thought I could cope, I can't.
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby Greatexpectations » Fri Jan 27, 2012 4:31 pm

If you need closure maybe you should ring him up and tell him the truth. That you miss him and love him to bits.
That should get rid.
Although why you want to be with someone who you know to be a Narcissist, who treats you badly and cannot love anyone but themselves, I do not understand

That's not true I do understand I've done similar myself, when I was younger. Its like some form of self harm.
That's the b###er you can't choose who you fall in love with.
btw you WILL get over it, the first month is the worse, then it gets better slowly but surely. Pick a nice guy next time, look out for Red Flags!
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby PamHelf » Fri Jan 27, 2012 6:11 pm

Although why you want to be with someone who you know to be a Narcissist, who treats you badly and cannot love anyone but themselves, I do not understand


He has a personality disorder. He's still a human; he's not the devil. He has hurt me but he does have a lot of good qualities.

For example, he is charming and funny when he chooses to be. Fine - it's just a front you say - but is still part of who he is. He CAN be that charming and funny; many other people will never attain that even if they try because they don't have that charisma.

But defending him isn't what I posted for!

Part of me feels as if I need to just tell him "I think you are rude and discourteous when you say you'll do this and don't. you don't even treat me like a friend. you make me feel like you don't even like me very much" even though I know it will provoke a rage and devalue, just so that I can draw a line under this and he can hear how I feel.

But another part feels that it would be kinder to him to just drift away.

I have to say it's not an immediate problem as I haven't heard from him for a week. but obviously I could call/email him.

Maybe it's a selfish pride thing that is even making me consider trying to tell him - ie. so it appears that I have broken it off and not him. That isn't kind though.
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby funky » Fri Jan 27, 2012 9:07 pm

Pam, I'm an immature female narcissist, who doesn't really have any right to offer advice, but anyway. He's said that he's relaxed around you, and likes how he is around you - that's high praise, from a narcissist. I've often said to a few people, in addition, that they never bore me, which again is hign praise, from me. He doesn't contact you? Well, I've one friend whom I feel 'honest' enough around not to maintain regular contact, who knows me best of all, and another who would be too hurt to risk opening up to to the same degree, who I probably see more of, so I wouldn't read too much into that.
But - he won't reciprocate your feelings. He can't. Don't try for a romantic relationship, if you can avoid it. Keep him as a friend, know that as far as he is able, he values you, but don't look to him for an intimate relationship, if you haven't already reached that stage. I do identify (from his point of view) with the way that you've described your relationship with him - great when you're together, but inbetween times, he doesn't bother. I do think, here, that I know what I'm talking about, although I'm conscious of the fact that I'm messing with a mature woman's heart.
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby Not a Victim » Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:56 am

PamHelf wrote:But it's at a stage where he very rarely calls me or gets in touch - to the point where any contact is now really me maintaining contact with him. He calls me when convenient as always but this is now once every few weeks and stretching out to longer and longer periods. He is also rude in his treatment of me - so he says "let's do X next week" raising my hopes of seeing him and then never follows up. I never complain about this because I accept this as part of his NPD and need to be in control and I am always happy to see him
.

It describes the behavior of my ex-friend to a T. I am wondering whether it is the same person :)

I am sorry for the situation you are in. You know, of course, that in the long term it is not going to end well anyway. In the short term, you already are reaching the point where it's your self-esteem vs your feelings for him. Best to cut it off sooner rather than later, and set yourself for the future, however hard it feels at this time.

-- Sat Jan 28, 2012 12:58 am --

funky wrote:Pam, I'm an immature female narcissist, who doesn't really have any right to offer advice, but anyway.


Yes, you do, and thanks for sharing - I've actually learned something new!

He doesn't contact you? Well, I've one friend whom I feel 'honest' enough around not to maintain regular contact, who knows me best of all, and another who would be too hurt to risk opening up to to the same degree, who I probably see more of, so I wouldn't read too much into that.


Quite an eye-opener. When I was exposed to similar treatment, I assumed he does not care and just does not want to deal with me.
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby Psyquest » Sat Jan 28, 2012 4:17 am

Pam, what if you tried taking the focus off of him for a while and put the spotlight on yourself? Perhaps you need to get professional counnselling with this problem and put your next move with him on the back burner.

What is it about you that has let it get this far? Sure he`s charming and funny at times and not everyone has that ability but other men are loving and attentive and he will never have those abilities. Wit and charm are superficial qualities, not the cornerstones of a relationship which is what you are trying to build with him. Other men may also have the capacity to have the whole package: charm, a sense of humour AND love and attention to give you and much, much more. Why settle for crumbs that are slowly disappearing? What is it about you that has made it such an unfulfilling choice?
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby PamHelf » Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:30 pm

Thanks for the replies.

Funky:
He's said that he's relaxed around you, and likes how he is around you -


He's said he feels relaxed with me. But not that he likes how he is around me.

He doesn't contact you? Well, I've one friend whom I feel 'honest' enough around not to maintain regular contact, who knows me best of all, and another who would be too hurt to risk opening up to to the same degree, who I probably see more of, so I wouldn't read too much into that.


This was really interesting Funky and very helpful. But I'm not sure I understand what you mean here by "I wouldn't read too much into it" or "another who would be too hurt to risk opening up to to the same degree."

What does this mean?

Why is it that you see your friend that know you best of all irregularly?

& are you able to analyse what is it that makes you want to see someone more than another person or less than another person?

(eg. is it because you sense they want to see you more, so you deliberately withhold? or is it more simple - eg. that you just don't feel like it and get in touch when the impulse takes you? or if you are having sex with someone you want to keep a bit of distance?)

I do identify (from his point of view) with the way that you've described your relationship with him - great when you're together, but inbetween times, he doesn't bother.


Why is it that if it's great when you are together, that in between times you just don't bother? Can you help me understand him more? If this is how those with NPD truly feel, how do they ever get into long term relationships or sustain marriages?
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby funky » Sun Jan 29, 2012 5:07 pm

Not a Victim, I'm talking about mates, whereas you and Pam are talking about love interests, so I think that it's different. I don't want to give you false hope about a man that you might still love - you don't need me to tell you to be careful to avoid getting hurt by him.
I'm sorry, I'm contradicting what I wrote earlier, I should have been more careful about what I wrote. As I say, I was talking about friends, not a man who loves me, as you both love the men that you are discussing.
I feel as if I'm being disloyal to the narcissists who post on this forum, I'm sorry. I feel guilty whatever I write. I think that I'm a bit screwed up at the moment.
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby Not a Victim » Sun Jan 29, 2012 6:15 pm

funky wrote:Not a Victim, I'm talking about mates, whereas you and Pam are talking about love interests, so I think that it's different. I don't want to give you false hope about a man that you might still love - you don't need me to tell you to be careful to avoid getting hurt by him.
I'm sorry, I'm contradicting what I wrote earlier, I should have been more careful about what I wrote. As I say, I was talking about friends, not a man who loves me, as you both love the men that you are discussing.
I feel as if I'm being disloyal to the narcissists who post on this forum, I'm sorry. I feel guilty whatever I write. I think that I'm a bit screwed up at the moment.


No, no romantic feelings on my behalf to the ex-friend, as I am married :) though I did like him a lot - he sounded at times like a soul mate (without sexual/romantic connotation)and I used to think he was pretty awesome. Now I know this is a very common situation when one deals with a narcissist :)
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Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love

Postby PamHelf » Mon Jan 30, 2012 6:28 pm

Funky

I'd be really grateful if you felt able to answer my questions above. It' s not about being disloyal or giving me false hope. I really just want to try to understand him more and his thinking - not least for my own peace of mind. Separately as I have said, this is someone I do not see as a devil or evil; he just happens to have a personality disorder.

Re: Need for/How to get closure with N I love
by PamHelf » Sun Jan 29, 2012 1:30 pm


He doesn't contact you? Well, I've one friend whom I feel 'honest' enough around not to maintain regular contact, who knows me best of all, and another who would be too hurt to risk opening up to to the same degree, who I probably see more of, so I wouldn't read too much into that.



>>>>>>>>>
This was really interesting Funky and very helpful. But I'm not sure I understand what you mean here by "I wouldn't read too much into it" or "another who would be too hurt to risk opening up to to the same degree."

What does this mean?

Why is it that you see your friend that know you best of all irregularly?

& are you able to analyse what is it that makes you want to see someone more than another person or less than another person?

(eg. is it because you sense they want to see you more, so you deliberately withhold? or is it more simple - eg. that you just don't feel like it and get in touch when the impulse takes you? or if you are having sex with someone you want to keep a bit of distance?)


I do identify (from his point of view) with the way that you've described your relationship with him - great when you're together, but inbetween times, he doesn't bother.

Why is it that if it's great when you are together, that in between times you just don't bother? Can you help me understand him more? If this is how those with NPD truly feel, how do they ever get into long term relationships or sustain marriages?
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