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I am the perfect source of NS, until...

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I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby littlewing » Thu Jan 05, 2012 4:22 am

I get needy and imposing. I have my reservations about Sam Vaknin, but sometimes he just nails it.

"Some Sources of Supply are ideal (from the narcissist's point of view): sufficiently intelligent, sufficiently gullible, submissive, reasonably (but not overly) inferior to the narcissist, in possession of a good memory (with which to regulate the flow of Narcissistic Supply), available but not imposing, not explicitly or overtly manipulative, undemanding, attractive (if the narcissist is somatic). In short: a Galathea-Pygmallion type."

Would I have been discarded if I never demanded anything? What is wrong with me that I wish I could go back in time and undo what I did to be discarded even though I know I was valued only as a source of supply and not as a real person? I'm coming to terms with my borderline side and I know BPDs are great sources of supply. The whole thing makes me nauseous, but it makes so much sense.

So... where do I go from here? I will continue to play this role if I don't figure it out. Part of me wishes I could just blindly play the role with no awareness and no friction. Is that even possible?
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby basraval » Thu Jan 05, 2012 11:48 am

Demanding something seemingly implies that they are imperfect somehow, not meeting your needs, not doing something right, hence not good enough for you, hence by making demands you're unraveling their narcissistic supply rather than adding to it. This of course makes you a poor source. I have the opposite issue in that I am very self-sufficient and don't any place demands on them, but then they start complaining that I don't value them, don't give out enough praises, don't work hard enough for it, etc. (instead of borderline I lean towards schizoid).
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby littlewing » Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:15 pm

So would you say you're a willing source of supply? I'm fascinated by the combination of schizoid/narcissist. It would be sort of like two narcissists together, but with less power struggles and competition. Hmmmm. I think I need to read up more on schizoid personality disorder.
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby BlueFlower » Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:44 pm

Should read:

"I am the perfect source of NS, until he decides that I'm not."

(No reasons necessary!)
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby littlewing » Thu Jan 05, 2012 6:52 pm

BlueFlower wrote:Should read:

"I am the perfect source of NS, until he decides that I'm not."

(No reasons necessary!)


Always on point BlueFlower. I'll get it through my thick head eventually.
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby basraval » Fri Jan 06, 2012 7:51 am

littlewing wrote:So would you say you're a willing source of supply? I'm fascinated by the combination of schizoid/narcissist. It would be sort of like two narcissists together, but with less power struggles and competition. Hmmmm. I think I need to read up more on schizoid personality disorder.

"Two narcissists together" describes it very well. I think you hit the nail on the head.

I'm not sure what proportion of AvPD to schizoid I have, but according to Vaknin's website I fit the profile of inverted narcissist rather well. Since my ego is either absent or sequestered somewhere too deeply, I don't respond with aggression to Ns devaluing comments. Neither do I try to put them down when they start boasting as I've noticed is the reaction of many nons (provided their narcissism is on the level I can tolerate). But at the same time I am not emotionally needy or expressive. My N ex complained several times that I need to be more jealous of him when he is flirting with other people. I have re-enacted the emotion for him several times, but the feeling isn't real. Faking and displaying emotions I don't have is draining and repulsive to me, which is where they decide that I'm not that good of an NS. Emotionally I am very autonomous (as well as financially). My N ex at first was delighted at this level of self-sufficiency and lack of demands, but over time he devalued me as NS exactly for the same reason.

BlueFlower wrote:Should read:

"I am the perfect source of NS, until he decides that I'm not."

(No reasons necessary!)

lol so very true

From my conversations with two Ns I've gathered that the kind of partner that they are looking for has to have talents/abilities/traits that are not compatible within the same person. They are looking for something that is unreal, which is why they are never satisfied in any real relationship.
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby littlewing » Sat Jan 07, 2012 10:30 pm

My ex complained that his ex was not jealous enough. She was a very rational, detached type. I don't think she had a disorder of any kind, but somebody would have to be very repressed and apathetic not to react to his antics. Of course, he complained that I was "insanely" jealous because I would get angry that he did things like stay in a hotel room with his ex (different beds and another friend was there, but still). He also paid for her plane ticket to come stay with him and they talked almost every day. On his birthday we all went to a bar and he flirted so heavily with his friend/former research assistant (very attractive), that another friend pulled him aside and told him to stop because she could tell I was upset. He honestly couldn't understand why I had an issue with his behavior, it was unbelievable. So... it seems like Ns need a perfect balance of jealousy and detachment that would be nearly impossible for most human beings to achieve.

That was my last serious relationship and it ended in mid-2008. He ruined me, but my therapist is helping me understand why I'm drawn to this personality type.
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby margharris » Sun Jan 08, 2012 7:32 am

I am sorry to hear how awfully you have been treated. His behaviours were disgusting. You deserved a whole lot better. He even tried to blame you for your legitimate feelings. I see many narcissists as having this internally shattered self and so they have no qualms in creating that shattered experience for the people who loved them. They so easily dismiss the casualties. You need to learn to trust your own feelings and not abandon yourself. You let this person abuse you. Time to take back your heart, feel the disgust and move on.

You could also write ... ****** disgusts me on a blank page. Stick it on the fridge and read it till you understand..... Where disgusting things need to go?
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby littlewing » Mon Jan 09, 2012 6:11 pm

I'm still learning how to draw the fine line between paranoia and legitimate feelings. I need to have more realistic expectations, but in the case of my ex, I should have just left him when I found out he was talking to his ex all the time. Once he saw that I would put up with that (with a bit of nagging), he knew he could push the envelope in other ways. Nagging is the worst strategy to take with Ns. The more I nagged, the more he could turn things around on me and make me look like the bad guy. You have to either put up with all of it or leave, plain and simple. If you are tolerant and deny your feelings, they will discard you eventually and you will have to live with the emotional damage sustained by continuous repression of a human beings instinct to defend oneself.
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Re: I am the perfect source of NS, until...

Postby margharris » Mon Jan 09, 2012 9:49 pm

littlewing wrote: If you are tolerant and deny your feelings, they will discard you eventually and you will have to live with the emotional damage sustained by continuous repression of a human beings instinct to defend oneself.


Very well put. I like it. You have been loyal to a dream. The fantasy you saw in him is well and truly over. No contact is the start of the cleansing journey. You need to ceremonially discard him from your thoughts. He is the disgusting thing. He deserves the bin. Removing him from your thoughts might require you to do some thought blocking. Imagine freeing your thought to think about a new future.
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