I get needy and imposing. I have my reservations about Sam Vaknin, but sometimes he just nails it.
"Some Sources of Supply are ideal (from the narcissist's point of view): sufficiently intelligent, sufficiently gullible, submissive, reasonably (but not overly) inferior to the narcissist, in possession of a good memory (with which to regulate the flow of Narcissistic Supply), available but not imposing, not explicitly or overtly manipulative, undemanding, attractive (if the narcissist is somatic). In short: a Galathea-Pygmallion type."
Would I have been discarded if I never demanded anything? What is wrong with me that I wish I could go back in time and undo what I did to be discarded even though I know I was valued only as a source of supply and not as a real person? I'm coming to terms with my borderline side and I know BPDs are great sources of supply. The whole thing makes me nauseous, but it makes so much sense.
So... where do I go from here? I will continue to play this role if I don't figure it out. Part of me wishes I could just blindly play the role with no awareness and no friction. Is that even possible?
Bipolar II, BPD features, ADD
Abilify 5mg, Prozac 20 mg, Wellbutrin 100 mg, Vyvanse 40 mg, Neurontin 600 mg
Trying to get off of Benzos
...Though nothing can bring back the hour
Of splendour in the grass, of glory in the flower;
We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind...