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Advice on living with someone.

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Advice on living with someone.

Postby funky » Sun Dec 25, 2011 8:44 pm

Can anyone, narcissist or not, give me some advice? One of my friends is coming to live with me for what may be quite a long time. For various reasons, she doesn't have anywhere else to stay, and won't have any prospect of being able to find her own place. I'd rather not go into the details, but this woman is a nice person, sociable and extrovert. She's the sort of person who likes background noise, from television or music. I know that she'll be willing to turn these off if I ask her, but I don't want to have to do this.
I like to sit in silence for most of the evening, reading, writing, or using my computer - typical introvert stuff. This woman is an extrovert (not a pain in the bum, just someone who likes other people) - to sit like that in silence every evening will make her feel excluded and a bit low, possibly. She doesn't have friends or family around here to visit.
The bottom line is, I live in a small flat, I won't be able to be on my own, and even if I could, I wouldn't be able to relax, knowing that she was sitting in another room, feeling hurt. I like and need my own company - I have strong schizoid traits. I know that I'm being selfish, and people have much more to cope with than I'll have.
I should probably post this on the schizoid forum, but this is my 'home', so I'm trying here first. Any advice or comments appreciated.
funky
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Re: Advice on living with someone.

Postby BlueFlower » Sun Dec 25, 2011 8:59 pm

Explain to her, straight away, that you are more of an introverted type and value your quiet time. That way, she won't be blindsided by your anger when she invariably goes about her extroverted busy-ness. Hopefully you can each have your own quiet personal space. It should work out if you each respect your differences. Good Luck!
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Re: Advice on living with someone.

Postby funky » Sun Dec 25, 2011 9:09 pm

Thanks, Blueflower, she does know me well enough not to be surprised if I say that I need my own space. If it was you, though, and you were watching telly, maybe something that you thought that I might enjoy, and I suddenly asked if you'd mind if I went into my bedroom to read for an hour or so, wouldn't you be hurt, really?
How about if I suddenly said, "Do you mind if I turn the telly off? It's been on for an hour, and I'd really like to sit quietly and read." This flat is too small for us to have our own spaces!
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Re: Advice on living with someone.

Postby BlueFlower » Sun Dec 25, 2011 10:46 pm

If you wanted to go off and read, that would be fine. If you wanted to turn the telly off, and I was watching it, I would be mad. Like, go to the library or something! It's always more polite to remove yourself from a situation, than try to control what the other person does. Hopefully she will be mindful too, and doesn't blast music when she sees you reading or surfing the interwebs.

A friend lived with me for a while, and she was quite hormonal. She once screamed at me for always being home, and I was like "WTF? This is MY house!" That crack even threw a glass against the wall when she saw me mashing with some dude on the sofa. If that's not histrionic, don't know what is!

It would be best if you try and stay out of each other's way, and work opposite schedules. 2 chicks living together is not always pretty.
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Re: Advice on living with someone.

Postby funky » Sun Dec 25, 2011 11:07 pm

Yes, slope off casually to read, I could do that, as long as it didn't hurt her feelings. Someone advised me to ask her to spend one evening a week out of the flat, at the cinema or something. I can't really see that working, though. I'll settle for going to bed early to read.
I'm guessing you're no longer friends with the girl who got angry because she didn't get your house to herself, and chucked a glass at the wall when she saw you snogging!
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Re: Advice on living with someone.

Postby shazah » Mon Dec 26, 2011 1:06 am

Hi Funky

I think this is going to be difficult. Can you get her some headphones that plug into the tv so that you can't hear it? I was in a similar situation when my adult foster daughter moved in unannounced. I too have a small house and wasn't coping at all with the overcrowding, I couldn't sleep as she'd watch tv until after midnight, or get up really early and stomp about, or sleep half the day on the couch in my one and only living room. I still feel bad about asking her to find somewhere else to stay, but I know she has a lot of money (it's in my account) and felt at the age of 28 she should be more independent and looking for a house share situation. I do think she doesn't because it's cheaper to shack up with someone. She'd been staying a long time with someone else rent free, and she would eat the food in her cupboards rather than spend. She's a qualified lawyer so I don't think she's just thoughtless.
Your situation is different.. I think have a long talk with your friend before she moves in, discuss all the potential problems and how they can be avoided. Be as thorough as possible. You're need for space with be the biggest challenge I think..
I hope you guys can work it out, stranger things have happened
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Re: Advice on living with someone.

Postby funky » Mon Dec 26, 2011 9:19 am

shazah, thanks, but the headphones for the telly thing wouldn't work, because she'd just want it on as background. To be fair, she is considerate, and she'd use headphones for her music - it'll just be me having to say, "Do you mind if I turn the telly off if you're not watching it?" You know, not being able to take silence for granted.
I've actually started to do what you suggested, and started to make a list of potential problems for discussion - I'll get back to it! It's as well to get agreement about noise/space beforehand - you're right, lack of space will be the biggie.
It's not going to be easy for her, either, living with a controlling friend with ocd. I suppose that I'm worrying that she won't enjoy sitting in silence for long periods - it's something that's caused problems with friends going back to my childhood - "You're not much fun, you just want to read." sort of thing.
Thanks again, wish us both luck!
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