Marg,
I have taken some time to think over your analysis and I agree with your findings. Unlike my initial N.P.D realisation, which I admit I ticked many of the boxes, but seemed to present opposing ideas such as love, or rather the ability to love. And also Empathy, or again the ability to empathies. I have looked at what you have written and come to the following…………………
margharris wrote: Self actualizing is a much better fit for your set of behaviours. A self actualizer has a fully integrated self and operates from birth listening to their own voice. That is where their problem lies. They never believe anyone else can tell them anything worth listening to.
This is so true. My inner voice is always so prevalent that it can dominate my every decision. If I go out walking alone, then the entire time my mind is ticking. My inner voice just speaks and speaks and speaks. The only time I don’t hear it is when I am scuba diving. That’s the only time in my life where I am in the “here and now”.
margharris wrote: The self actualizer is the dipole opposite of the NPD. The NPD has nothing inside to feel with. The self actualizer has so much integration that he can love with greater depth than even the average person.
I have always believed I have a huge amount of love inside, but never felt it reciprocated by any girl that I have offered it to. I guess I just haven't met the right girl yet! I have this stupid ideal in my head of what love should be and I don’t know if it’s just unrealistic or simply unobtainable.
margharris wrote: He can respond to all the flavours that exist. He is the lover of beauty, nature, music, poetry and the arts.His highly integrated self can even experience the paranormal. He has the knowledge and dream to reach his potential.
I have always just assumed that I am intuitive and can read situations well. I seem to have an inbuilt predisposition to understand what a situation is and what people are expecting me to do or say. I have ideas and I believe I can attain them and so I “go for it” often without any thought of what I am going to do next. I think deeply about a situation, then decide on a course of action and then just leap! Music plays a massive part in my life, and I find inspiration and drive from songs. Art and Design has played a major part in many aspects of my career and it has been the fact that I am creative that I have adapted many situations to my own benefit.
margharris wrote: How closely the ideal fits to the real deal will indicate how comfortable, controlled and content he can become, given the fact that he can rarely escape his inner voice.
It rarely does, I rarely meet my own expectations and have to endure failure often. But from those failures I try and find a relevant lesson to take forwards to ensure I don’t repeat the same mistakes.
margharris wrote: That inner voice gives drive but can also cause a restlessness and intolerance of frustration. Without creative and fulfilling solutions, tough times are filtered and interpreted as boredom.
100% describes me to perfection!
margharris wrote: Narcissistic defense strategies will be employed because the ego just cant be wrong and that shortcut to blaming someone is the easy out.
I have been very guilty of this in the past and it was this very point that convinced people around me, and then me myself that I must be N.P.D. The reality of that was hard to come to terms with and now to realise I am not N.P.D, I just have traits, is a pretty exhilarating feeling.
margharris wrote: Shouting someone down always works. You never have to LISTEN then.
I don’t think I have ever shouted anyone down, because I learned a long time ago that to get the best from someone you need to have them on your side. I have tried to be diplomatic, even though my closest friend laughed when I told him that fact! I have tried to listen to people and then get them to take on my point of view in order to serve my purpose. That was a reason I felt manipulative and again that triggered the whole N.P.D realisation.
In truth, there are not many people who can tell me what to do. Unless I am playing willing. If I have an idea, then nobody can dissuade me from that idea. The only way I will satisfied is when I find out for myself. Then I will accept that I got it wrong and expect those who wish to gloat to “tell me so”. That may come across as arrogant, but my inner voice is so strong that I have to go with my own idea. A lot of the time my ideas are good and do deliver results, and I think that does present good leadership skills. I can be dominant, but I do try to take on board other people’s ideas and feelings. The problem is that there are not many people out there who can stand up to my outgoing personality and strength of conviction.
margharris wrote: You will be looking for a success that is based on what you do. This will be based on what your higher self is telling you. You will be guided to reach your potential.
No matter what I am doing, I always tell myself I can do it better. And the I convince myself that I should. That’s often where the trouble starts!!
margharris wrote: Such a person doesn't care what anyone else thinks. There is no audience requirement at all.
100% correct again! I really – mostly – don’t care whether people love me or hate me. I would prefer them to like me, but I don’t really care either way. The reason for this is not narcissistic. There is only one person who can steer my life in order to get me where I want to be. That is me. There is nobody more driven than me to ensure I can succeed. Worrying about whether people love me or hate me is something I just don’t have the need to care about.
I do like an audience though. I love a dance floor and love to show off a little. I guess when people approve or appreciate what you are doing then it ticks narcissistic boxes. That was one of the key reasons that I believed I fit the N.P.D profile. My favourite saying has always been – “love me or hate me, either way I don’t give a s**t!”
margharris wrote: Such a person can have lots of failures that only seem to steel the resolve. They look for something significant to do with their life. Settling for the 9 to 5 isn't an option.
YES – That is true. My attitude of wanting to do my best, and do it better than anyone else has meant a fair amount of failure along the way. I always believed I was destined to good things, and my inner voice has always pushed me to the same end result. I don’t think I could ever do a 9 till 5, because when I get an idea and pursue it, it becomes an obsession and a 24hour per day obsession. I have always believed I am capable of more than most people, because I know I do think different. Again this ticks a narcissistic box and re-enforced my self-believe of N.P.D.
margharris wrote: This is the Bill Gates phenomena. It is just that every SA doesn't hit the success button. Maybe only 1 out of 10. But they are compelled to keep trying because their own inner voice is so strong.
I think that every failure has a lesson, and I will take that lesson and try to make sure I don’t repeat the mistake again. I have always views success as the setting up and running of a business. However my attitude is changing slightly. My studies are my key focus now. I need to prove to myself that I can study, and do well in the process. I am getting top level grades in everything I am doing and this does make me feel amazing. It feels like a partial success. Which I suppose could be viewed as a narcissistic supply. More importantly I am enjoying the study journey. The achievement of my diploma and the masters degree will be the end result. Then I will look to put that into meaningful employment. I want to do a job where I feel I have earned the right to be there and do it. I want to feel earned success.
margharris wrote:
I divide SAs into types based on their focus in the equation 'a means to an end.' SAs can be great problem solvers. They can know the means at their disposal to solve all the problems they will face. They harness their own means and work towards some open ended solution. Then there are the end gamers. There is always a moral hazard here that others will be providing the means.
YES (Again). I am a problem solver. I always seem to find a solution to a problem. It sometimes takes me time, but I usually get there in the end. I use all skills available to me to better myself and to try and bring me success. Some people have remarked that I think I am better than everyone else and that I think I am special. Since discovering about N.P.D, I have associated that behaviour with the disorder. But your analysis of means to end paints a picture so accurate that I cannot dispute it.
margharris wrote:
So from what you have posted, you are very much an SA. You are not NPD or N. You have used anger and flamboyant displays when your ego is out of control. You don't have the posture of any sort of N. That is because your are SA.
This for me is a revelation. I can accept the SA analysis. It’s much more comfortable than feeling like I am not wired up properly and trying to come to terms with that. I was really upset at the prospect of going through my entire life feeling what I associate as love, but then being told that N.P.D’s cannot feel love. It was the same with Empathy. What was I feeling, if it wasn’t empathy? My desire to want to change is another area where things just didn’t add up. I can identify so much more with being a self actualizer, and I can at least still take steps to remove or at least minimise the narcissistic traits and attempt to control them.
It throws up an issue which I have only just considered. I have been blaming N.P.D for the source of my anger and occasional reactions to that anger. I have used N.P.D as the excuse for these actions. I now need to try and figure out where the real source came from? That may be a little bit harder to get to the bottom of.
Another thing that I may have to address is offering opinions in the other threads “from an N.P.D perspective” If I am not actually N.P.D, then I feel I am being fraudulent in my perspectives. I hope that I haven’t done or written anything to make a situation worse instead of better.
Hora Quasi Umbra - Time is but a shadow.
A Self Actualiser, with Narcissistic Traits. – I’m not lost, just Undiscovered…………………..