Questions About Relationships From Nons

if you really want your narc back, all you have to do is date someone better than him, physically, and status wise...

he'll be back in a minute.

it'll be such a hit to his ego.

i'm pretty sure your narc in reality isn't so great, most of them aren't. extrinsic and intrinsic value are two very different matters and oftentimes, those with EXTRINSIC value will go for any women ( as long as they're adequate), because they're empty.

so just fish for the flashiest and shiniest mofo out there,have him gush at you or "like" your photos on fb and your narc will be back in flash. make yourself into an object to be admired.

sounds manipulative...yup but it'll work.

the problem here is that you need to work on yourself. no one wants to date someone who thinks the way you do....unless they're a codependent.

now i wouldn't suggest doing any of this stuff cuz it's maladaptive and will never lead to a real relationship but if you must, play the game.

that's what is essential. if you want to date someone like that you have to learn to play the game. now the game will possibly further damage your self esteem but you seem like you're game for it anyhow. the narc will walk unscathed bc he doesn't care...

he's a cipher.

Oh, I'm desperate all right. When we broke up in May I was hopeful, I really thought I could rebuild my life and find someone better. I was so stupid. But 8 months of trying have just worn me out and made me realize what a terrible mistake I made.

greatsupply wrote:Oh, I'm desperate all right. When we broke up in May I was hopeful, I really thought I could rebuild my life and find someone better. I was so stupid. But 8 months of trying have just worn me out and made me realize what a terrible mistake I made.

you can do better.

it's not a mistake. it would be a mistake to go back or to have stayed.

being alone is better than abuse.

period.

Interesting, I have just posted on this forum with a similar question, from the opposite angel. I am a narcissist and wish to maintain my relationship with someone who isn't.

The problem is that no matter how able you might be to fake admiration (once the real version is simply unsustainable), one thing narcissists are really good at is self reflection: I know I am an manipulative and emotionally abusive ass-hole, I just don't care. If he functions in a similar way, he will know when you are putting it on, for he knows when your admiration is simply uncalled for. This is a big red target for weakness that, if I were this person, might simply be to hard to resist. Owning you, using you is the ultimate end-game for someone who cares for no-one but himself. There is nothing morally abhorrent about this, at least not that I have been convinced of, and it would certainly be unthinkable to convince him of that (again, my opinion) and, even if by luck or sheer perseverance you would succeed in relaying your understanding of being the emotionally dominated on, and the sadness it brings you, it would make little difference for owning you, using you is the ultimate end-game.

If you want this relationship, against your better judgement (as my soon to be wife seems to do against her better judgement, of which she should have plenty in my opinion) thicken your skin, find an outlet for your frustrations (he won't have you 'take it out' on him, no matter how reasonable your need to) and open a line of communications so that, at the very least, the situation can be discussed openly.

My partner had a good one, a while ago, when she figured out what my deal was. She demanded that we never had to ignore the fact that my feelings of superiority and selfishness constituted the very core of all my decision making, "Be a ffing asshole if you must but know that you loose the right to ward yourself against my emotional response". Food for thought for sure!

Don't know if it helps. See what you can make of it. Or find a nice boy, one that subscribes to the whole social contract malarkey! There is plenty of those around. Just take a bus and start bumping into nice looking lads, if they turn to you and say "sorry" he's a keeper!

Remy0611 wrote:no matter how able you might be to fake admiration (once the real version is simply unsustainable), one thing narcissists are really good at is self reflection: I know I am an manipulative and emotionally abusive ass-hole, I just don't care. If he functions in a similar way, he will know when you are putting it on, for he knows when your admiration is simply uncalled for.

Seems to be a big reason N's and Nons don't typically stay together for the long term. It seems to all go to $#%^ after this point, for both of them.

Unless the N can believe it, and unless the Non is actually genuine. Blind-sighted perhaps, but genuine.

I don't have to fake admiration. I admire him tremendously. Not his narcissistic ways but many many other things.

How can I open communication with him in a way that makes him likely to respond positively? Thanks.

greatsupply wrote:How can I open communication with him in a way that makes him likely to respond positively? Thanks.

UGH, have you not read or understand anything? it's a losing game with these people. you've already LOST by caring.

the only way to win is to play the game as ruthlessly as them. if you were capable of doing that you wouldnt'' be here right now asking the same repetitive question. the only ones capable of doing that are hpds, bpds ( on a short term basis or if they don't get attached ( unlikely) ) and other narcs.

if you are a non, it's a losing game.

the only way you can be the one that's treated somewhat well is if you are the galatea and innocent, independent and can leave him at the drop of a hat. by writing on here you've already have too much invested in him to care. once he knows that, you're already demoted. even if you are the main girlfriend, he will either cheat on you with new supplies, triangulate with another person who will ge all his attention who is unavailable- he will give her intimacy bc she is safe, oooor you will be objectified as the saint- he will cheat on you or cease having sex with you.

all are losing predicaments and unstable unions. you have to think long term instead of succumbing to the moment of "oh how do i get him to pay attention to me now and be nice?"

you want that? stop caring, give him tons of genuine admiration and see what happens. if he sees that you truly care or are emotionally attached he will treat you like sh#t.

it's a catch 22 really...

you can think of it from an economic model : what are you offering him that other girls can't?

is it value?
is it admiration?
are you beautiful?
are you interesting?
are you younger?
are you convenient?
are you cheap?

what kind of package are you offering this man? you want him, he wants a perfect object? make yourself into an object that he will buy with his fake affection.

you'll hold his attention until a better model comes along. if oyu can deal or believe you can continue to hold his attetion ( doubtful bc you've already failed) go ahead.

i know this because i have many narc traits and can view things from the lens of a narcissist ( when for whatevver reason the guy hasn't been able to trigger my bpdness)...

i just tap into my evil side and think about how i would do it if i had no empathy and didn't want to be intimate with someone. what would be the tactics?

sach wrote:

greatsupply wrote:How can I open communication with him in a way that makes him likely to respond positively? Thanks.

UGH, have you not read or understand anything? it's a losing game with these people. you've already LOST by caring.

Accurate.

greatsupply wrote:I don't have to fake admiration. I admire him tremendously. Not his narcissistic ways but many many other things.

"greatsupply," reread this:

Remy0611 wrote:The problem is that no matter how able you might be to fake admiration (once the real version is simply unsustainable), one thing narcissists are really good at is self reflection: I know I am an manipulative and emotionally abusive ass-hole, I just don't care. If he functions in a similar way, he will know when you are putting it on, for he knows when your admiration is simply uncalled for. This is a big red target for weakness that, if I were this person, might simply be to hard to resist. Owning you, using you is the ultimate end-game for someone who cares for no-one but himself.

No matter how much you don't want to believe it, he has no reason to care. In his mind, why should he? He doesn't want love, he wants admiration, so why continue to feign love or caring when all you give him no matter what he does is exactly what he wanted?

Except because since you admire him even when he knows you shouldn't be admiring him when he behaves certain ways, the value of your admiration has faded or has gone.

And if you mean to say you admire him as a person, separate from what he does?

He will never believe you. Not at that level. And anyways, what use is it to admire a person for no reason? This is clearly "poor supply." Trying to convince him of the reasons you do will likely only make him further repulsed.
You are the one pulling yourself down here, devaluing yourself...