well played. his little girl is growing up and is thinking with a mind of her own.
he's going to have to make some hard choices soon. wish you well, still a long road ahead.
Thanks, you have no idea how different this is, I always tried to do what he wanted to make him happy and keep the peace, but after 12 years, I realize there is no peace here, there is always something to bring about the hostility.
The situation is impossible.
You must leave each other. This will not get better, but worse.
And your children are suffering the consequences of all this as well, as I know that you know.
I have always felt this was an impossible situation, I know I need to go, I just have to figure out how. I am making plans, but it is gonna take some more time. I feel that I could just lose my mind and I am very impatient and wanting to leave immediately, which I have to keep reminding myself not to.
I notice he is trying on some level by telling me that he is sorry when he states his opinion about how my decisions are wrong. Funny thing, every decision I make is wrong, but at least he is not yelling and pointing his finger and repeating himself over and over and over and over. I don't have much faith, but he told me the other day that we are both going to be in the "poor house" if we can't work this out. It is always about money-the all mighty dollar is his focus and motivation.
Everybody is narcissistic. Everybody gets smug, arrogant, angry, rationalizes, etc...also people tend to forget that empathy only applies to one person's identity group. Every power group loves to define the exact life experiences of the "other" for them...so there's the barbarian, gender roles, etc under layers of oppression. To this day, many people are still voting on what rights a person should have.
Where the PTSD comes into play, is that I have an increased sensitivity to any narcissism from anybody. Its not just criticism its any negative rationalizing behavior, and I can easily see how "normal" people do all kinds of damaging things to each other on a daily basis...just they are incapable of doing such damage if they can't rationalize it away so they need a social element to it so their guilt doesn't kill them.
I agree that everyone is narcissistic at some level, I even agree that a there is a healthy level of narcissism. I have strong narcissistic traits and some are better since this situation, and some are worse. In a lot of ways, (and this may make no sense) I feel that the NH and me are very similar in our woundedness, but in the opposite direction. In being raised by a NM as the golden child, I was smothered and overspoiled. I didn't have a real connection but I was a part of my mother's perfect mommy/perfect daughter fantasy. I internalized and blamed myself for everything, which in my compliant people-pleasing/niceness was superficial and narcissistic. My H on the other hand was beaten and criticized for nothing and was the only child in the house who was, so he was the scapegoat, he projected and blamed everyone on the outside. Either way, we are both just adult children who were not taught anything because of crappy parents.
I also agree that PTSD plays a role. I often wondered why he was like a war-vet. He has those things that trigger and you can see the anxiety and anger building. I guess his childhood was a war, I wish he could understand that this is not just his personality as he says.
I am definitely not who I would like to be at this point in my life. As a mother, I truly am so stressed out that I can't function like a normal human being. I really need to leave. I am looking for a full time job and I am going to look at a place this week. I have no idea how I am going to afford it, but if I have to go to the state for help for a while, I guess I will. There are worse things in life than being poor.
"Two loves have made two different cities: self-love hath made a terrestrial city, which rises in contempt of God; and Divine Love hath made a celestial one, which rises in contempt of self. The former glories in itself-the latter in God.”
-Saint Augustine, Father and Doctor of the Church