Update: faced irrational fear of N - new girlfriend!

This may be sketchy because I'm currently drunk lol.

Well I went to the work event sans date and my N was there and quite visible. He has cut his hair and it looks awful. REALLY awful. I arrived late and a little tipsy because I had dinner with my best friend beforehand. Sat next to a good-looking blonde guy who I chatted with most of the night. My ex came over twice to tell us that we should move our cars because they were towing everyone parked next to the white building (every building in the area is white). I had a good time, drank some beer, met some new friends lala. Everything went swimmingly - I just ignored him, laughed, got a little drunk and had a blast. I noticed, however, out of the corner of my eye, that he was sitting most of the night alone with a rather plain frizzy-haired brunette.

So - I get in the car and a friend calls me on the phone to chat and I shared my recent triumph. He then proceeds to tell me that my ex N is now living with the plain girl who has moved from OUT OF STATE to be with him! Oh my. Then, my best friend calls me and tells me she and her husband have known this all along but didn't tell me because they thought I'd be upset!

The thing is, I wouldn't have been half as afraid if I'd known this. I thought all his negative energy was focused on me, but turns out it's most likely focused on telling his sob story to the new girlfriend - all about his evil ex, etc. I am FREE!!! I am rather worried about this new girl though - anyone who would move across the country to live with a new guy after only knowing him a few months is a little messed up. Sounds like codependent fresh meat to me. But I am not responsible for the other hearts he breaks and there's nothing I can do anyway. I need to focus on healing me.

Not sure how I feel about all this. I'm no longer afraid to go to work events, so that's a triumph. But a new girlfriend? Already? I never thought that would happen.

I applaud you

Or maybe he's just not shallow..?

Thank you friggle. It was quite a triumph. Funny the things we think are so scary turn out to be small monsters.

thelasttry wrote:Or maybe he's just not shallow..?

Are you suggesting I am? I'm sure I do come across that way while writing posts drunk. My ex picks women for what they can do for him. His ex-wife was from a western european country and offered him the opportunity to live overseas and learn a new language. Frankly, I was an arm piece. And treated as such by many of his colleagues even though I am an intelligent, successful person in my own right. I guess I'm just wondering what this woman is doing for him exactly? She is in his field apparently - but her plainness and willingness to move here to be with him makes me think that he's merely chosen her because she's easy to control.

I'm still wrapping my head around all this. I mention the hair because his hair was much longer and is now very short. HIs head looks odd to me. Sorry if that sounds shallow.

Well, now that the alcohol has worn off, apparently I'm not as okay with this as I thought I was. They are living together. After only knowing each other a few months.

I'm so nuts that no man will even date me.

I'm supposed to be over this. Completely blindsided.

For what it's worth, though, you went to that do alone, had a laugh with a good looking man, acted as if you couldn't have cared less about your ex, and gave him the impression that you were over him, which knocked his complaints that you were stalking him into a cocked hat.
It's bound to throw you, seeing him with someone new, because it puts him in a new phase, whilst you're still stuck in the old one. But he doesn't know that you feel stuck. Let this give you the push you need to start trying to enjoy yourself again. At least you don't have to be scared of him again - and just think, he doesn't even look good any more.

Yeah, it was a good night overall. He doesn't have to know I'm having a hard time with the new girlfriend thing. It was odd how he kept sticking himself in front of my face and addressing the group I was talking to - as if to gauge my reaction. I just sort of looked away and ignored him. Lol, I bet he went home and sulked all night to his poor new girlfriend.

A friend on the BPD forum mentioned that I'm probably having some sort of re-abandonment issue going on. Like even though I don't want him, he's abandoned me for someone else so I have to reprocess it. It's upsetting though - it's giving me this illusion that he is capable of a grown up functional relationship and I'm not - making me second guess myself AGAIN and think I must just be crazy and that's why I'm not in a new relationship yet.

And yeah, his hair is hysterically bad. That helps.

Why is it taking so freaking long to get over all of this? That's what I keep kicking myself about - it shouldn't take this long. What's wrong with me that I can't just move on?

In lots of ways you are the better person than him. You are proving that you are strong enough to cope alone for a while, without a relationship to prop you up. This proves that you are not needy, and stronger and more resourceful than you think. He, on the other hand, seems to have picked someone just for the sake of having someone, which says a lot about the person that he is - shallow, needy, insecure and maybe a little desperate. You are right, the other girl's potential heartbreak is not your problem. She will learn for herself. You went into the event with your head help up high, attracted the attention of a hunky man, got a little tipsy and showed him that you can have fun. (one thng though, please watch the drinking and driving, it's not worth the risk! Sorry, I had to say that)

Yes, you feel lonely now, and insecure that you do not have a relationship, but time on your own discovering yourself will be cathartic and healing and allow you to grow,and help ensure that you don't fall into the same trap again. It hurts that you still have feelings for this man, and this is normal. You have to allow yourself time to grieve, and then you will find the strength to move on. Nurture that inner part of you that he could not touch. Allow it "Expressive Creation", Expressivecreative!!

Share your feelings on here, for there is always someone to listen. Your feelings are valid, real, and it is good that you are in touch with them. You WILL find someone right for you, who will see into the inner part of you and actually nurture that part. You have so much to give. Please try not to waste your love on someone who does not even know what the meaning of love is.

I had a situation like that with an N ex. I'd send over a friendly email... I did that maybe 4 times in a year. And she told people that I was stalking her (which is what she said every guy does to her, clearly #######4). Then I saw her at a party and ignored the hell out of her after it was apparent she didn't want to play at being friends.
She left soon after but not before she tried to get me to pay her more attention.
Felt good, also felt bad. At least it was over.

So yeah, I can relate, sorry if I came across sounding like a dick.

Nah, last try, you didn't sound like a dick. I can sound very shallow sometimes when I start talking about appearances - but you have to understand this is a physical attraction thing, so appearance does come into play. And I'm rather vain in that I'm not unaware I'm foxy - I use it. Guilty as charged. That said, I don't choose men or friends based on appearance - it's more about what's inside. So I'm not entirely shallow - just a little bit.

The appearance thing initially, was the only leg up I felt I had on the situation. I mean - she's really not that attractive and he has, for some reason, made himself less attractive as well. I think part of it is that he's just desperate to prove he can have a normal relationship with someone, since ours fell apart so bad, that he just played the first girl that seemed remotely malleable.

And he'd be looking for someone with a weakness - someone who would benefit him in some way but at the same time has codependent tendencies or some sort of low self-esteem. But MOVING IN with her? That's pretty drastic behavior for the N I knew. Really out of character - if you can say there is a character - I guess it changes continually.

Ah, I'll get over it. I was just sort of blindsided by the whole thing. I am scared for the girl though - she's got nothing but heartbreak to look forward to. And he'll have one hell of a tangle moving his stuff out of her apartment. I thought N's wanted easy ways out? Once you move your stuff in, your stuck.

Of course, I wasn't good enough to move in with. Here I go again . . .