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i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby Camelidae » Sun Oct 09, 2011 6:25 pm

Thanks for the link and everything else. Will look more into the stuff as soon as I feel like being an educated person. Not so much the case now. :wink:
"If you're using half your concentration to look normal, then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you do. Just pointing out something that could save your life. You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself.", from X-Men: First Class
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby narcistfree » Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:25 pm

hi, sorry i did not reply sooner..

i can not tell you that every narcist could get better. the most important thing that changed me was self awareness. when i was an open narcist and my boyfriend at that time told me that i was more worried about what everybody was thinking of me instead what i was thinking about myself. i first was thinking who the $#@%$@ are you to talk to be like that. ( i saw him as somebody less then me and there for did not want to take his words for being true, how arrogant i was) he also told me that i am not all that and that he had better lovers then me. he broke me down and insluted me deeply.
but now sooo many years later i am so happy he told me that. that was the first step. because after him become more aware of how i present myself, but more in the way that i did not say what i was thinking and that i would joke about somebody in my head, feeling better them others but not saying it was more difficult. and that is why open narcist are less dangerous, because he speaks up what he thinks and covert narcist eats his or her self up because they can not speak up what they are feeling so that there cover will not blow.. so they keep them self as the victum so that they get the love that they want.
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby narcistfree » Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:50 pm

i forgot to tell you that you become a narcist because of your parents are controling and busy with there own emotions and busy on not loosing the one that they want to controle. so you as a child are forgotten or need to fill up the hole of attention they need and spoile you so that you will always keep being around because you feel like you have to after all the 'love'' your mother gave you. you not aware of the fact that she is just giving you this so that you in return you will never leave her.
so one of the two.
1. you are being forgotten and have to be the good girl and please your parents in there needs. you are like a machine being controled by your parents and you want there love and so you do as they want so you can get that attention and love that you need to get. (and you become a good 'cover' narcist so you can finally get the love that you wanted so badly from your parents
or
2. you haven been spoiled because the covert narcistic parent did not get the attention she needed from her husband (most time) and so you were the husband or wife she or he never really had. you get the love that she normally have got to give the husband so that you will stick around and give her the love that she misses so much. so you can do everything and she will not give you boundries just as long as you dont leave her and give her the attention that she wants..it is all about controle
and because of that raising of the parents, you are using to get what you want from the one you think loves you and so in a relationship you think you can say and do what you want without being punished for it because your mother never punished you so you really don t know what it is to work for something you want in life, that is why open narcist can not hold a job or friends or loved ones.. and you are used that your mother is doing everything for you and you are trying to get your partner to do everything for you (controling), so that you feel loved. you really dont know what love is. you learned that that is love by your parents. you just dont know any better.

i now know that love is not about controle, and i learn to accept everybody like he or she is without trying to change them or controle them.
i learn to forgive my parents, because i now know that they dont know what love is. and it is really sad. because the never did learn to love themself so they will never learn to love somebody else. i am very lucky that i have changed and i wish that they will change but i accept that not everybody is willing to look at themself and what they are doing wrong. and because i accept them as they are they are making changes, but just little ones. they are older and the habbits are difficult to change. and it always feels safe to stay like you are used to better then to face the unknown. i have to say that i am very proud of myself for seeying the light and i hope that others will see it also and learn to love themself and the people around them as they should be loved.
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby narcistfree » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:05 pm

it is possible to stop being a narcist but it take a long time. and you have to be ready to see yourself and your family bounds in a realistic manner. not in the fantasy that you want to see everybody in!!
you have to become self aware and if you can do that you can also see other for what they are and for how they are. and that is the biggest problem!! as a narcist you did not get the time to get to know yourself. you are forced in a role from the time as you were little. you had to act some way to please others and to be loved by your parents. they learn that to from there parents so it goes from parents to child to your child if you not change. self aware and no more lying to yourself! it is very hard i can tell you because we like to lie to ourself so that we not hurt ourself by the truth. we need the fantasy to survive life. and that is why we loose who we really are. and if we try to become who we are we again will be pushed back by our familly into the role we have got from when we were little. everybody feels safe and nobody in the family wants change.

covert narcist :
you are giving up your own needs to please others in order to get what you want from them ''love'' but it is not love. you only think that because you dont know any better.
when you stop pleasing them and want to show your needs and the open narcist stops you and screams at you and is blaming you. you take the blame in order to keep them around and to use your role of being the victum to make him or her feeling guilty if they want to leave you.
so you playing on guilt.
you built up anger and frustrations but you rarely show them or maybe never so or say the truth in order to keep the husband or wife with you. so you start hating them and loving them at the same time. and when you are hating and showing boundries the open narcist will play nice again for a while.
and so that is who it goes until the open narcist gets sick and bored of it. or when the covert narcist can not take it anymore..
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby narcistfree » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:20 pm

therapy is not the cure for narcist because they are to arrogant to take advise from somebody else. not in the beginning. first you have to have a big faillure in life. you have to hit the floor hard!!!!! and you have to be lucky to find somebody that loves you so much and wants the best for you and tells you the truth without being afraid to loose you.. and will take the risk of loosing you so you can find yourself. that is the best thing what can happen to you. somebody that brings you back to reality..
but not everybody is that lucky and so mostly you have to loose the most important narcistic supply that you have got before you will realise who you are. and what you need to change. and after that you would want to change and it takes time and a lot of effort and patience but you can change and you can stop being a narcist but not over 1 day. it takes years to changed what you learn and who you learn to be from the time you were little. but every little step you make is a step closer to loving yourself and in the end to loving others around you..
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby narcistfree » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:43 pm

i fell in love with a narcist and i told him directly that i was like him, but he did not believe me. and when we were in a fight i told him i will take the blame because i understand that you are not ready to take responsibility to look at yourself and what you are doing wrong. i helped my ex that was an open narcist by being needy and take the blame until he was sure that he had me safe and sure that i was not leaving him. then i told him that i was going to leave him and he wanted to do everything for me to stay ( narcistic supply) then when he was 'weak' i told him everything how i was like him and that he is insecure and blaming me for his faults and wants to make me feel guilty and that i bore him by being nice and living a calm life and that he always takes without giving and that it is all because of his parents raising him spoiled because they need something from him
and he listen to me. and he realized every thing. i always was telling him that i was like him and i understand him but he never believed me. and when i told him enough is enough it came like a shock. i know that i hurt him but i did it so he could finally love him. i took the risk of loosing him so that he can find hisself, he now is very angry and thinks that i never loved him. but i did more then he will ever know. he thinks that because i dont love him for his looks or for his controling manners that i never could love him. i did and stil am loving him for the parts when he did not want to controle the situation when i forced him to try to relax and when he was hisself i loved him with all my heart. he is still in the silent treatment. and he thinks he can controle me by it. he thinks that i will contact him and beg him like i did to get his trust. he will in time understand that i will not come back. and that he needs to become stronger and contact me. and if he dont i will be not sorry it end likes this, because i deserved to be loved without being controled. i only let him to win his trust and show him who he is. i did it out of love and if he now is becomming closer to who he really is i am happy even if he never will contact me. now that he lost controle over me ( what he never had) he dont want it anymore because now i am the stronger one and he needs to be stronger to keep up with me.
i want him to love him self even if he will be happy with some other woman. i will find love again. and i will not waight on him to change, because i love him but i also love myself and even if i want the best for him i also want the best for myself..
so you can help somebody but you have to be strong and have to take the blame and be sweet and willing and pleasing for a while until you know for sure that they are trusting you. then you tell them that you dont want this anymore and then they will listen..

-- Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:46 pm --

remember i want to love him and give him my love and be sweet to him and i want him to follow his dreams and i want him to have succes in life, but i also want somebody that wants the best for me and treat me the best he can. treat me like i treat him.. so i was not faking it.
i only took the blame when he could not take the blame for his faults..
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby narcistfree » Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:58 pm

CAMEDEALA

I think you have a big chance on changing him by being like this and you are right about not being the one that needs to save him!! you are not a therapist and if he dont want it hisself them it is to bad for him let him pity hisself and his life like his parents are doing! maybe you can tell him this.
with a narcist you have to be hard and very clear. then he will listen otherwise you dont have a chance.
tell him the truth dont lie to him. he needs someone that tells him the truth. that loves him and wants the best for him even if that means that you could loose your relationship with him. that is the biggest sacrifes for love.
but dont forget loving yourself so you dont have to 'safe' him. he needs to want to safe himself you only can tell him the truth so he has got the tools were he could work with.
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby Camelidae » Tue Oct 11, 2011 2:29 pm

Hey narcistfree, no problem about the late reply. I´m late myself.


narcistfree wrote:you have to be strong and have to take the blame and be sweet and willing and pleasing for a while until you know for sure that they are trusting you. then you tell them that you dont want this anymore and then they will listen.


I think I´m already doing this naturally. Thanks to his ways I´m just as good as him when it comes to getting my way and being stubborn. :mrgreen:

but dont forget loving yourself


I think that´s an important point you mention here. I´m currently working on that one.


Thank you for your very detailed reply and the encouragement. :)
"If you're using half your concentration to look normal, then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you do. Just pointing out something that could save your life. You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself.", from X-Men: First Class
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby narcistfree » Tue Oct 11, 2011 3:12 pm

Oké, i am happy i can help without Wanting something from It. I think you know What to do.
About loving yourself It is just THE most important thing you need to do loving yourself in à healthy way that means you have to care about yourself without being selfish. It is à 50/50 deal..
I am à moslim ( hope that you dont have something against It) because i want to share à vers from THE qoran that really helped me in finding my own love And how to love others.
Here It is: nobody is à true believer unless you desire for your brother or sister that Which you desire for yourself.
Beuatiful isnt It??
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Re: i am no longer a narcist, thank god!!

Postby Camelidae » Tue Oct 11, 2011 3:24 pm

Of course I don´t have anything against you because of your religion.

It´s a nice vers. I wouldn´t consider it exceptionally beautiful, though, because it seems like a natural thing to do. It´s pretty universal, too. I think the bible says something similiar about loving others in the way in that you love yourself and treating others the way you´d like to be treated yourself. I´m pretty sure there are other sayings like that in other religions as well. I´m not religious, though.
"If you're using half your concentration to look normal, then you're only half paying attention to whatever else you do. Just pointing out something that could save your life. You want society to accept you, but you can't even accept yourself.", from X-Men: First Class
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