Bittersweet wrote:My mother doesn't respect my boundaries.
ThisEndUp wrote:Bittersweet wrote:My mother doesn't respect my boundaries.
You are on the money with this statement. Probably more then you know.
The amount of respect a person has for you is directly proportional to the amount of respect they have for your boundaries.
And your assessment of your mother is also right- she has no respect for you at all.
What does this tell you about her? It tells me that she has put REAL love on the back burner, in favor of trying to control you. CONTROL is NOT love.
In fact its the complete OPPOSITE of love. Control....taken to its limit.....meaning if you control someone as much as you want or are able.....leads to SLAVERY.
You are not a slave. And your mother has NO right to treat you like this. You also have the power to stop this.
I can give you some ideas here that might help you with dear old mom.
The first thing is you have to know what mom wants. My guess is she wants a relationship with you. This is your currency. This is what you have that mom wants. This is what motivates mom. This is also the currency of MOST boundaries.
The purpose of boundaries is for personal protection. In this case its about you protecting your emotional self. Your mental health. You are defining to mom something which insults your values here.
In essence you are saying to mom, look.....when I feel bad , I need some time alone to think and to work out my feelings. After I have done this, then I will give you time for what is important to you. THIS IS YOUR VALUE. It is also a value that is FAIR, RIGHT, and HONEST for EVERYONE. I say this because to stand up for your values....to DEFEND them.......you have to BELIEVE in them. And you have to believe in them strongly enough to not allow your mother to use GUILT to make you question the rightness of asserting your boundary. The issue of you staying there....is SEPARATE. It has nothing to do with you needing time to yourself. If your mom should bring up you staying there in order to try to make you feel guilty for not giving her what she wants ( to walk all over you) then you need to either IGNORE the separate issue and FOCUS on the real issue , which is your need for privacy, or you can tell mom.......my staying here has nothing to do with my needing privacy, we can discuss THAT issue later.
Its important that you see that these are 2 separate issues. Because you only need to deal with them one at a time. If mom brings up you staying there when you need privacy.....then she is only doing it to control or manipulate you, and that is wrong.
Another thing to understand is that boundaries can act to preserve relationships, but only when they are respected. Something your mother needs to know is that when you give her a boundary......she is then in control of her actions. If she chooses to disrespect your boundary....then SHE chooses to undermine the relationship. NO one can have a loving relationship with someone who they disrespect. And no one should WANT a relationship with someone who disrespects them. So one thing I would tell mom is.....if you do not respect my boundary, them you are telling me you don't want a relationship with me. If mom denys this. Then tell her that the effect it has on you when she doesn't respect the boundary is to want to stay away from her MORE. And you WILL do that.
Boundaries, just like respect, have levels to them. The GREATER the lack of RESPECT someone has for your boundary.....the STRONGER the boundary has to be.
So far, you have only verbally told your mother that she needs to respect your boundary by leaving you alone. Obviously this doesn't work due to her lack of respect. So your boundary needs to be stronger.
Yuo can tell her you will leave for a period of time, if she doesn't leave you alone. You can tell her you will go to your room and not open the door until she leaves you alone. You can tell her you will act as if she doesn't exist until she respects your boundary. But most importantly.......she needs to know that the more she disrespects your boundary.....the more she is choosing to NOT have a relationship with you.
Lets say you move eventually. I would not give her my phone number for a time. You could even change it now. Let mom show you respect....then give her things which let her into your life more.
My point is......you have to change your boundary according to the amount of respect or disrespect you are getting. Its unfortunate.....but in abusive relationships......sometimes the only effective boundary is NO CONTACT.
However I suspect your mother wants contact, and so your boundary needs to be stronger. What you need is leverage......currency. And to use your power to enforce your boundary.
I know her persistence might cause you anger. But when she keeps talking or trying to talk.....try to understand that SHE is the one out of control at that point. SHe is desperate to talk and your silence is more powerful then answering her. Leaving her alone would be even better.
It is NOT disrespectful to her for you to need time alone. Everyone needs time alone. Its good for mom and you. So its fair. You don't have to feel bad when something is fair. ts right......if mom needed to be alone, you would respect her.....fair and right. And its honest because you are telling the truth. There is nothing wrong with what you want!!! You have to be clear about that to defend it. To stand up for yourself.....to enforce the boundary.
As you mentioned you would talk later. Tell her Mom I am in a bad mood. I will talk to you later. If she persists.....leave or be silent. And stick to your guns!!!! No matter WHAT she says. In fact......talk to yourself as she is trying to manipulate you.....listen to your self talk: I deserve time alone I deserve time alone I deserve time alone....and let it blot out any further words from her.
Hope this is helpful. You deserve to have respect. A parent has no right to control you in this way.
I think you may be misinterpreting her actions.
If you want to be alone go to your room and shut your door. It's her house, and it would be nice if you . . considered her.
Bittersweet wrote:How do you deal with any feelings of self-doubt or criticism you may have recieved either from family in particular or society in general?
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