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predatory behavior

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Re: predatory behavior

Postby isis16 » Sat Sep 24, 2011 1:29 am

Well...whenever I can avoid elective surgery, I try and do so, so there must be another way. I read about just ignoring the N is they come back. That would seem to be effective as he thinks that is the worst punishment he could dole out on a person also. Is it possible, that bc I called him out on his illness tha
t he will ignore me permanently?

I should have guessed there was a problem when he told me he didn't lie but was very contradictory. That's a very clever way of saying that he lies. He warned me!
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby HappyBusyFun » Sat Sep 24, 2011 7:11 am

The only person I've ever informed to their face that they had a personality disorder made my life a complete and utterly unsafe place to be once he knew I had spotted he was mentally ill.


You're choice of language "informed to their face" tends to suggest that this was done in a rather direct and probably brutal way!!

How do you expect someone to react to this news? Even if delivered gently.

I mean come on! Get real! For the most part, a person with personality disorder is (a) probably unaware and (b)if they are suffering from NPD are just going to not believe it and need to devalue the source of that information.

Whether the recipient believes it or not, it is probably earthshattering. Even if they don't believe it, they have a friend, possibly a close friend, who *thinks* there is something wrong with them mentally. If they do believe it, then it is life changing news if they never knew it before.

No one thanks you for telling them something unpleasant but true about themselves.
- Good morning. Can I just say that I'd like you to know that you are so obese that I find it repulsive. You need help.
- Why thank you my good man. That was just the buck up I needed. Good day to you sir.
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby jmdpthebest » Sat Sep 24, 2011 7:41 am

isis16 wrote:That's very disturbing to think that someone would try and discredit you and/or try to hurt you more than they alreay did. When I told N what I thought he was, he didn't really answer. He already had NS lined up so I think it was a moot point to make. He was so high on his new conquest, he couldn't hear me. My concern is when the NS wears off and she realizes he's ill. That's what happened the last time and the second D&D (I believe) was retaliation against me and his other supply for leaving him. I justdont want hims snapping out on me a year from now when I finally feel better like last time. Isn't there a statute of limitations for N's?


hurt you more then they already did?

hmmm...honey you are making this sound as if they should have empathy....you think these creatures are really aware that they hurt you? even if they are aware of this, they dont bother much about it, since they have no empathy at all, it would be kind of impossible for them to deal with your pain.

I dont think you should be speaking out loud about your thoughts, especially not to the person you think has NPD. You should also know that there is still a majority of the population who are not even aware of this disorder, so people might start thinking you are the crazy one for playing to be somekind of sigmund freud on others lol.

share your thoughts on the subject only with people close to you.

If you were dealing with a malignant narcissist and told him that (oh god i hope not) then you might really start thinking about changing your name and moving away.
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby Anais » Sat Sep 24, 2011 12:12 pm

Hey isis16,

Opinions on this will differ based on what kind of narcissist the poster has encountered and whether they believe their actions are malevolent, conscious, and so on. As someone who's known a few but thinks mainly they are simply unaware, no idea what effect they have, living in another universe, and so on... I'd say that-

Most of them just get bored and wander off, especially from romantic relationships (a bit different if they are your parent). If you're not "playing" the way they like, they're gone. It's a knee-jerk thing probably, they don't even think about it. They don't necessarily miss you or think of the past and feel sad the way another person would, that's the main difference. As long as you don't contact him again more than necessary, or annoy him, you should be free! He'll just think you're a nut for your "psycho-babble" - he'll be thinking "I KNEW she had problems!" etc. It's ironic. Lol.

-- Sat Sep 24, 2011 9:17 am --

HappyBusyFun wrote:No one thanks you for telling them something unpleasant but true about themselves.
- Good morning. Can I just say that I'd like you to know that you are so obese that I find it repulsive. You need help.
- Why thank you my good man. That was just the buck up I needed. Good day to you sir.


ROFL. Exactly.
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby isis16 » Sat Sep 24, 2011 9:34 pm

I never played shrink with him. While he was telling me about his NS, I merely said something like "you are so narcissistic and self centered". Lol...I think he thought it was a complement. Anais, I think you're right...he will just go away. I spoke to a psychiatrist who believes that even though he is a sociopath and narcissitic, he is not malignant. I am guessing that's a good thing.

I really hope he doesn't contact me again not bc I am afraid of him in any way physically, but he knows that I am in love with him and I want to let go and have some peace. I was thisclose last time...then, BAM! A year and a half later...back where we started. No contact is the way to go with this one.
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby MissBizarre » Sun Sep 25, 2011 10:37 pm

My recently ex N partner had one go of therapy - after I told him that I was having therapy for my dx borderline blend and that my best friend - a well known person, was also going to give it a try too. I deliberately made the comment that my well known friend (narcs love celebrity) had made a remark to me that 'I bet he (the N) won't be able to do it. Which of course meant the N had to prove my friend 'wrong'. He attended one session and that was it. He could not and would not go again.

As I changed - he worsened. No longer feeding his joyful pastime of playing with my head and not getting any reactions from me - he attempted devaluation by ignoring me completely. This lasted a week before he made contact again - telling me he was seeing another psychiatrist (a complete and utter lie) and I responded saying I never wanted to see or hear from him again. That no healthy, confident woman would want to be around a man like him who had cheated and lied - and that this was the reaction I should have had - cutting all ties with him - had I been able to do so back in the days when I knew he was cheating and I was still very borderline and not able to do so. That I was doing it now.

His reaction was a joy. Approached in a way where he had no response at all to someone who was speaking and behaving like a well adjusted adult - he didn't even attempt his usual 'you are imagining it all, I have never cheated on you - you are sick' fashion and simply was unable to say anything. His admission was simply saying nothing - well other than a sound that came out like 'errrrrr'.

He then told me he would ring me later - when he thought he had gained my interest again by telling me he was seeing another shrink. He never rang and went straight into devaluation mode again, which I had anticipated. I had already composed a text message to him ready to send once he didn't ring me. It simply said that I was enjoying his devaluation schedule immensely and could he possibly get a restraining order against me after my text because I would not be contesting it or appearing in court - but that I doubted any court would take very seriously a malicious six year old attempting to get an order placed against an adult.

He probably has one more comeback attempt left in him - after he's had a good sulk and sought out some alternate supply that won't quite come up to scratch - he misses me as a fully functioning borderline but knows I am not coming back in that guise ever again or would have done so by now. His last attempt will be pretending to be having a nervous breakdown - or actually having one - cos he won't be able to find the perfect personality blend of opposing disorders that we had going, in just a few weeks. Well not unless I am really lucky!

He will play the man 'who needs help'. Thankfully part of my therapy has retrained me into knowing that you can't save Narcissists.
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby isis16 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 1:39 am

Miss B, sounds like your narc is in full devaluation mode! Spoke to my Dr today, who explained that N's love to ignore. They think its the most horrible punishment in the world...especially if you care for them. They love to frustrate those that care, it gives them a sense of power. Funny thing, ignoring them is the only way to get them to leave you alone also, bc they HATE to be ignored.

He probably does have another round left in him...I think mine does too. May not be today, may be a year from now. Just be prepared to ignore any and all attempts for him to weasel his way back into your life. My doctor is concerned that he will try again when the NS doesn't work out, and has advised me to never again respond to him again...even in a friendly manner in 10 years! Apparently their sense of time is also warped. I can totally see that. A year was nothing to him, a week, a lifetime. I wish I had never known him. :|
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby MissBizarre » Mon Sep 26, 2011 2:30 am

Isis, it's amusing that he still uses the old tricks - but hey, if they worked in the past? It's funny that they work to that same old outdated stuff. They are very predictable. He knew one of my pet hatreds was being ignored! He doesn't seem to have any unpredictable patterns that I've seen at least, and we were together for three years.

It's even more amusing to me now because it actually suits my goal, which is to not have contact with him - so him doing something that achieves that - whilst under the delusional illusion that he is hurting my feelings and teaching me a lesson is kinda really funny :-)

I do agree that no contact ever, if you are lucky enough not to have children involved or working with them is the only way to go.
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby isis16 » Mon Sep 26, 2011 12:59 pm

No, thankfully this man has not managed to reproduce. I think some N's like the idea of having children as supply, but mine viewed them as competition! His NS has a child and I am sure that will annoy him sooner or later.

Its the predation I can't reconcile myself to. Its like a lion hunting. They can see small differences in you that might not be screamingly obvious....but to them its like a neon sign that says "hey, pick me to chew up, spit out and destroy". I have met a lot of people in my life, some good, some bad, and I can honestly say that this is the one person in my life that I wish I had never met. Ever. It was an experience I could have passed on.
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Re: predatory behavior

Postby alita128 » Tue Sep 27, 2011 6:23 am

I have been trying to figure out myself whether suggesting that to my ex would be a good idea..but since nasty devaluating degrading has been going on recently and still fresh I doubt I will be attempting such a risky feat, much like going to the police station to report police abuse I would guess.

My choice now, since I have kids and still have to count on a great deal of colaboration from her if I want to see them and spend time with them, is to lay low in the radar, avoid any contact beyond logistics (closest I can get to NO contact, a dream...) and just try and get back my life bit by bit and cut any possible chance of her petty feelings being stirred.

I have considered international abduction and would like to be advised by some mod or Dr about the benefits for kids (not growing up with a narcissistic mother) against the harm (of not being able to see the mother but once or twice a year)

Thanks
R
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