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Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borderlin

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Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borderlin

Postby Run » Sun Sep 18, 2011 8:27 pm

I recognise in myself some borderline tendencies and I googled and found this:

Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borderline?

Does anyone know if there is a correlation between narcissistic parents & borderline children? My mom has a narcissistic personality disorder & I have borderline personality disorder. I’m wondering if it’s common for narcissistic parents to have borderline children.

- spiritualjourneyseeker
Yes, there is. Both are ‘disorders of the self’ which means in the early years 0-3 there was developmental trauma which prevented formation of a stable sense of self. A parent who does not have a stable sense of self cannot perform the good enough mothering skills generally to have her child develop her ‘self’.

A good book that talks Narcissism and Borderline is Search for the Real Self by James Masterson. It is worth reading.

- Itunu
Yes I agree there is a direct corelation.

Your narcissistic parents gave you “conditional love” as they only saw you as an extension of themselves and not your own person with needs. Because of this you had to supress your own needs to give them what they needed (eg attention, admiration) and so lost your “sense of self”. Borderlines have a shifting sense of self and so are very emotionally unstable. You will, however, improve as you get older and also the more stable things are in your life eg job, partner, home then more stable you will feel.

http://www.zimbio.com/Narcissistic+pers ... r+children

Maybe this is a eyeopener for people here, like it is for me.

And that's not all, the borderliner often chooses a narcissistic partner:

Perfect Match - The Narcissist Marries a Borderline Personality

When a narcissist chooses a marital partner, he/she makes sure that this person will adoringly follow his lead in every aspect of their lives. The narcissist expects to be mirrored perfectly---to receive from his partner: absolute loyalty, adulation, compliance, selfless service. There is an unspoken understanding that the narcissist will never admit mistakes, nor should his faults and failings ever be pointed out, even in the vaguest of terms. Narcissists often choose marital partners who suffer from borderline personality disorder. These individuals are emotionally dependent and have a fragile sense of themselves as valuable individuals. The narcissist is the master; the borderline, the servant. That is the arrangement. The partner will be constantly lied to and betrayed. The narcissist holds the threat over the head of his borderline spouse that he or she can be disposed of precipitously

The individual suffering from borderline personality disorder lives in perpetual fear of abandonment and psychological annihilation. Borderlines fuse psychologically with others, often to the point where they are emotionally unable to distinguish between their identity and that of their partner. This grave psychological impediment is described as a boundary issue. Psychological boundaries are necessary for each person to have a firm sense of who he is and to distinguish and respect the individuality of the other. The borderline has not reached this stage of development, often due childhood trauma. His growth was arrested. Inside, he feels like a very young child, desperately hanging on, begging a parent to pay attention to him, to promise not to hurt or abandon him again. The borderline suffers from a fragile sense of self and feelings of worthlessness. They are emotionally dependent on others and have poor impulse control. Some of these individuals go through periods of delusional thought and paranoia, have psychotic breaks and end up in psychiatric hospitals. Higher level borderlines function quite well in the world despite their psychological dependencies and unconscious feelings of worthlessness and instability. Unlike the narcissist, the borderline is capable of feeling deeply for others and can be highly empathic.

This is a marriage made in Hades. The borderline acquiesces to the demanding, perfectionistic, self-entitled narcissist. Beneath the yoke of his psychological burden, the borderline despises his spouse the way he unconsciously hated his parents when he was a child. He repeats this pattern in adulthood, hoping to get the love and respect that he deserved so long ago. The borderline has come to the wrong place. He will not be accepted and loved for himself here. He will be exploited. Many borderline spouses stay with their abusive narcissistic mates because they are in so much psychological pain, suffer from low self esteem and are accustomed to being treated abusively. The cruelty of this marital arrangement mimics the familiar painful psychological patterns of childhood. The cycle continues until the narcissist decides to discard his current spouse for an updated, more attractive, compliant model. The used up spouse is ejected to fend for himself. The narcissist moves on to his next great excitement without memories or regret. For him, it's a relief: a one handed flick of a fly off the face.


http://ezinearticles.com/?Perfect-Match ... id=1351464
Last edited by Run on Mon Sep 19, 2011 5:52 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby AlAtBar » Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:10 pm

Good information. Seems like there are lots of ways it can play it, borderline being one, new narcs being another, many other possibilities.
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby Greatexpectations » Sun Sep 18, 2011 9:49 pm

postby Run

Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borderline?

YES, YES,YES,
I now realize my last partner was borderline. His mother was a full blown narc, his father could be violent.
The children of this unfortunate union did not do well, my partner had huge abandonment issues, his brother (scapegoat) is seriously mentally ill. Such a shame because I believe them both to be fundamentally good people. The eldest brother (golden child) has survived fairly well.

I am biased I admit, but I think many mental health problems can be blamed on narcissism. This insidious form of emotional abuse, the lack of empathy, ridicule, invalidation, a unloved child only used for narc supply, that they see as a mere extension of themselves. Its not good.

IMO it is a major cause of depression, anorexia, bulimia, OCD, anxiety, low self esteem, ect.
To be told, as I was that I was rubbish, ugly, fat, stupid, '' that 'no one will ever like you' and 'if it wasn't for you we'd be alright'.
Mother hated me, loathed me, was jealous, of her own daughter!
That one in particular 'If it wasn't for you we'd be alright' Um, read to me 'if I wasn't here they'd be happy, so, I might as well commit suicide'.
It doesn't help that often these parents make sure they look 'perfect' to the outside world, so any attempt to explain the abuse is a waste of time. No one will believe you. You will just be perceived as a bad child.
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby MissBizarre » Mon Sep 19, 2011 3:45 am

Yes. I am a dx borderline and my Mother is a dx narcissist. My brother is an undx narcissist. I often wondered if I landed being a borderline instead of a narcissist, because my Father really did love me and because I was fortunate enough that my narc mother didn't bother loving me. She was too busy trying to get my brother to fall in love with her and turning my Father against me. She only half managed that one.

-- Mon Sep 19, 2011 1:18 pm --

What I think I tried to say there is I wonder if you become a Narcissist if you are OVERLOVED by a narc parent. If you are the one they choose to make their boy or girl object of emotional incest. And maybe narcs save actual physical incest for the least valuable child who then becomes a borderline.

Dunnoooo?
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby Anais » Mon Sep 19, 2011 9:53 am

Hi Run,

I don't see any borderline traits in you, as I know you on here anyway. There may be some there, minor ones, but lots of people have these.

I think BPD is thought of as like a half-way house to narcissism. BPDs have the false self and the instability, but they didn't develop the narcissistic defence (the part where the narcissist believes they are awesome). Maybe they inherited some genes and not others. There are people in my narcissistic family with borderline traits - for example there is a much higher than usual number of lesbians and homosexuals in my extended family than there would be in the general population. This isn't a popular idea any more because it's pretty awkward but previously sexuality "disturbances" were seen as borderline traits. Sometimes psychs call borderlines "the borderline narcissist" so I think it's closely related. My sister in law is dx borderline, she is the only person is our families to have a dx. I have read that the heredity rate for narcissism is estimated to be somewhere from 40 to 85% and that fits with my family as well. "Genetics loads the gun, environment pulls the trigger"

MissBizarre - I had an engulfing mother so I've wondered if I'm not a narcissist because I was never maligned or ignored. I was too little to understand the backhanded comments and snide remarks that no doubt were always there, all I registered as a true little one was the "love" - verbal and physical. But then like you there are ACONS who were ignored and rejected who are not narcissists. So I think it's mainly genetics?
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby Anais » Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:16 am

Greatexpectations wrote:I am biased I admit, but I think many mental health problems can be blamed on narcissism. This insidious form of emotional abuse, the lack of empathy, ridicule, invalidation, a unloved child only used for narc supply, that they see as a mere extension of themselves. Its not good.


Agree with this as well GE. It's like sexual abuse was in the past. A child who tries to explain will be labelled the problem themselves and the storyline will be masterfully manipulated by the narcissist to fit their reality (and it seems it's pretty much 100% subconsciously, which makes it even worse, because we're sort of left with no one to be angry with - the ultimate "screw you" from the universe, gah).

I hope awareness of this will increase, especially in schools. It's shocking to think that all children are told by teachers and counsellors "listen to your parents, they want the best for you. You can always trust your parents." NO. You can't.
Last edited by Anais on Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby Run » Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:18 am

Anais wrote:Hi Run,

I don't see any borderline traits in you, as I know you on here anyway. There may be some there, minor ones, but lots of people have these.



You don't know me good enough! I recognise from my adolescent years: the moodswings, and yet in one day I can be depressive and happy. In the past when I was frustrated, I could smash with things and I recognise that when I meet new people I can admire them and when they disappoint me, I think they are crap. Childish behaviour, searching for compliments of others, that sort of things. I have become very aware of this behaviour in the past year(s) and it's under control nowadays.
I can relate this behaviour to my upbringing, especially that my voice was not important in the family and that I was to blame for the unhappiness of my mother.
Last edited by Run on Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:24 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby Anais » Mon Sep 19, 2011 10:23 am

Yep, I get you. This is just a message board, real life is much richer. It's good you're looking into these things if they might apply for you, Run. Good job. I think though that at our end of the spectrum, given our experiences and beating-down, we're also at risk for the old "I have every disorder" Disorder, so don't get that, Run!! I have that, lol.
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby tomster » Mon Sep 19, 2011 11:01 pm

Of course - I doubt anybody can be 'normal' after being raised by a narcissistic parent, there's just too much emotional and manipulative stuff to handle.

End up as another PD, codependent or even a narcissist (my dad is one.. yet i can't see the bad side)
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Re: Can narcissistic parent cause their children to be borde

Postby Friggle » Tue Sep 20, 2011 12:35 am

I agree with the whole "parent loving you too much" thing (particularly the opposite sex parent) creating a new narc. I think that for some people, having a same sex parent who is a narcissist will create a borderline personality. That parent would probably compete with the child.

My mother is more than likely a narc/borderline split evenly. My father is a psychopath. Both displayed narcissism (I recall looking back on some of their common behaviors) but I became N while my older brother became a psychopath.
Brother was my dad's little tool of destuction, he did whatever my dad taught him to do and get away with it.
My mother was always complaining and telling me that I was better than all the other girls in our family.

Even though she liked to leave at will and my father and her would hash it out in front of us.
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